Really a JavaScript solution isn't a very good answer for this problem. If someone wants to post their 'first' comment they can just disable javascript and if you don't have any server side validation the spam will still reach the site. The second bad reason for javascript is that users can see what words you consider spammy and just self sensor them (f!rst...etc). That being said if there are many different ways you could do some more heuristic spam detection which I will detail below:
black listed terms - sort of like your example, if you do:
if(comment.indexOf(' bad phrase here ') !== false) { return true; }
you can figure out if a comment contains a term...not just is equal to the entire content. honestly the no regex clause is really hurting you in terms of what you can do with content detection but this should at least get you basic phrases within what a user types. This isn't fool proof though as you might end up with a situation where you get false positives for words like 'Classic' :)
comment length - consider the fact that anything less than 50 characters or so might not be constructive...that won't stop people from going "first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...you get the idea" to break your filter though. Definitely trim the white space around the user input to help ensure it is a little more secure.
Those are just a few basic ideas but honestly there is no point is doing just a fix for this on the client side. Trolls will be trolls and will always try to find away around your script if the server isn't willing to back up the client's rules.
That being said. Comment approval/moderation is the only sure fire way to ensure the content you want shows up on your site and honestly that is not a very good user experience when trying to take part in a dialogue online. It really should only be used in an environment where you need to protect people from content (like maybe if you are working on some product page marketed to kids).