Following the Egregious pop culture perversion of programming, what is the most outlandishly insane technobabble you have ever heard, either in fiction or real life?

Extra points to those unfortunates whose real life stories beat Hollywood.

Note: feel free to sketch out what would be necessary for such gibberish to actually work.

+15  A: 

I work at Best Buy in the computer department. Often times people will miss-pronounce Gigabytes, "Jigabytes." So people often ask me:

"How many jiggs does this one have?"

It takes every fiber in my body to not laugh at them.

"Jiga" makes me laugh too. Reminds me of Doc Brown in Back To The Future
Wes P
Thank you Back to the Future for forever implanting the mispronunciation of Giga into our culture.
1.21 jiggawatts!
Chris Charabaruk
On the other hand, if you're talking about exactly 1.21 GB, I think you're legally required to pronounce it "jigabytes"
Electrons_Ahoy, you make me wish I could upvote comments. Over 9000 internets for you, sir.
Chris Charabaruk
Jigga, while not my preferred pronunciation is a perfectly acceptable pronunciation, and used to be dominant in technical fields. (Used to be, being pre-1950s...)
I think that Doc's pronunciation is the correct one:
Pre-1950 is pretty much before any of this began existing, thus cn be ignored ;)
@Chris Charabaruk - thanks!
Here in Brazil the G has a J sound. Everybody here says Jigabytes. To sound correct it had to be written Guigabytes :)
Marcio Aguiar
"jigawatts" is actually the correct pronunication.
Would that be 1.21 decimal GB? "One point twenty-one Jibibytes" just sounds weird.
how is mispronounciation considered technobabble?
Because people are talking about this technology and don't know how to pronounce it.
It's pronounced "one-gigga-bitty" (according to Lily Tomlin).
@MusiGenesis What is that a reference to? Sorry if I should already know this.
@jjnguy: She did a variant of this sketch with Al Gore a few years back where she cracked him up by pronouncing "gigabytes" as "gigga-bitties", but I can't find the video anywhere.
+23  A: 

When ordering an IBM PC AT with a 20MB HDD in 1985, I asked the salesman about the access times of the HDD. He responded that the access times had been ordered, but the shipment had been delayed...

Brian Stewart
+74  A: 

CSI New York "VB GUI Interface"

“I’ll create a GUI interface using VISUAL BASIC, see if I can track an IP address.”

Link has gone dead! I wonder how they came up with that... Googled for some technical words and then concatenated them into something completely absurd?
I died laughing when I heard that. Seriously. Had to leave the room.
Greg D
Updated the link
Click Upvote
Reading/Hearing that sentence makes my heart sad.
+6  A: 

Salesperson - "The website crashed."

Me - checks site

Me - "It seems like it's up. Is Internet Explorer up?"

Salesperson - "Yeah."

Me - "Try to pull up our website again."

Salesperson - "No, it's not working."

Me - "What's not working?"

Salesperson - "I can't log-in to our e-mail! I don't know what it's called!"

-Actual conversation

This is the point at which you cry into your shirt, right?
I'm really sick and tired of people using ignorance as an excuse to not learn about technology. What's so hard about it? Click here, click there, BAM! You just created a new operating system! *rolls eyes*
Hey, clueless folks *do* keep helpdesk employees, well, employed.
Dean J
+12  A: 

May not be on exactly the right track, but I have a PM who knows lots of computer terms... but not what they mean. So he likes to chain a bunch of those together into a request that ends up being gibberish:

"Why don't we inherit that web service from the garbage collector? I don't want to spend any resources managing memory here. That will also let us reuse this code in - insert ASP.NET component name here - later."

What color does he like his databases?
Chris Charabaruk
Your PM sounds like a real PHB.
Bill the Lizard
He's a lot like that. Nice guy, but totally inept, technologically. Problem is, he likes to put his two cents into EVERY problem, no matter how small or technical. And little interest here in solving problems. If it makes the UI symptom go away, that's good enough; time to move on to another task.
We had a "developer" like this. He got promoted. thank goodness!
+9  A: 

I had an aunt ask me, with complete sincerity: "How many Megs does it take to get into the Internet?"

THAT conversation went a little longer than she expected.

I would say, "32."
Greg D
Nah...even more...42
Maybe her name was Aunt Meg. So your're like, "just one!".
Josh Buedel
lol that was funny Josh
+38  A: 

I'm not sure if anything can beat Sen. Ted Stevens' "Series of Tubes"

Actually I don't think the statement was all that horrible if taken as an analogy.
I agree, but the whole part about being e-mailed "an internet" is still entirely cringe-worthy.
Chris Charabaruk
The analogy is largely correct.
Stefan Kendall
It seems to me that, when the pros talk about pipes, we can be merciful when people not in the field talk about tubes.
David Thornley
If, God forbid, my Father ever asked me to explain how information moved on the internet, I'm not sure my analogy would differ so much.
Michael Wilson
+3  A: 

"I have this Linsky rooter here..."

Jason Baker
I'll forgive them on that one.route: Path from a -> b pronounced ROOTroute: To kill remaining enemies Pronounced ROWT.So why is a device which processes ROOTS pronounced ROWTER?
Because "route" as a noun is "ROOT", but as a verb it's pronounced "ROWT"
James Curran
I always call it 'rooter', but that's probably just a difference between British and American pronunciation :)
Phill Sacre
Nobody accused the english language of being consistent. :)But to me the bigger issue is that they call a LINKSYS router a LINSKY router.
Jason Baker
to kill remaining enemies is ROUT not ROUTE
Rout doesn't mean "kill remaining enemies". It just means to disband/defeat/make them flee. "to disband completely". "To defeat decisively or disastrously". "to drive out". In fact, routing the enemy almost always means that you made them flee, not that you killed them all.
+2  A: 

Youtube comment: How much RAM does this program take on a CPU? (inquiring about the size of the program on the hard disk).

myeah, in the right context this could be seen as a very advanced question referring to whether the program is so optimized that it would fit in the cache
too true QBziZ. I was thinking the same thing
you can't take youtube comments seriously :)
Marcel Tjandraatmadja
Ever consider that english wasn't his first language, and he knew that CPU could mean computer? (Play video games much?)
Stefan Kendall
@Stefan, so he's asking how much of the program will be loaded onto RAM storage at any time?
Razor Storm
@Razor Storm, doesn't that make sense? Pandora currently is using 50MB of my RAM, in what a non-english speaker might call "RAM storage". It's a very legitimate, clear question. I fully believe the language barrier caused the CPU/computer confusion.
Stefan Kendall
i think from the context you could tell that he meant hard disk, not RAM. I don't remember anymore though.
@Stefan, that makes sense then, and he/she is simply inquiring about how much RAM the program typically requires. Of course the answer is dependent on the size of the RAM the amount of virtual memory and paging settings, but I agree that it is a very clear question if taken from that perspective.
Razor Storm
+115  A: 

An engineer at SGI told me about a customer that called in to complain that "circle mode" on her external CDROM was not working. He said "Tell me more about circle mode". She said, "Well, there's a switch on the back with a line and a circle. It works in line mode, but not in circle mode." The engineer told her "Just leave it in line mode, circle mode hasn't been implemented yet."

Brian Stewart
Ha this is funny.
That is too ridiculous to be made up. I love it!
Matt Rogish
wow, just, wow. that beats the "cd-rom coffee cup holder"
+35  A: 

Customer: We want RSS for the news on our site.

Me: Ok, cool, we'll do that.

Few days later...

Me: The RSS is done.

Customer: Were can I find it? wait, what exactly IS rss?

Me: Rss is bla bla bla...

Customer: No, we don't need that, we need a newsletter.


OTOH as a consultant you should know better than to take requirements from a customer at face value.
John Nilsson
@John Nilsson, RSS is like, e-Mail, telephone, you don't ask for clarifications when someone ask for your phone number, you don't expect then to later ask wait "what is a phone number?"Also if someone uses a word you expect they use it knowing what it means, else why would they use it?
Pop Catalin
"We want RSS for the news on our site." is a pretty specific requirement.
Kirk Broadhurst
I would assume that someone who knows the term RSS knows what it means. (Or at least I would've assumed it before reading this.)
You should still have asked what news should go in, etc, etc, and probably they would have twigged
+14  A: 

My wife used to always talk about "dark side" application programs at her workplace. I always thought it was some suite of "evil" apps (a la Star Wars).

I later found out they were terminal emulation windows. TN3270 FOREVER!!!

Matias Nino
Oh, I though it was going to be Lotus Notes.
TN3270 is close enough to the Dark Side for me. Down that path may lie COBOL.
David Thornley
I too thought it would be Lotus Notes.
Lotus Notes
+2  A: 

The one that irked me the most was in an episode of X-Files (a show that is actually targeted at geeks...).

There is this room that is supposedly the heart of a big computer system or somthing like that where the three tech nerds that helpds with various things are tasked with helping out. They reach under a desk or something pulling out computer in a naked midi-tower chassi and then there is a zoomed in view of how they cut the powercord to a hard drive followed by the line "We've hacked the mainframe".

John Nilsson
Those "three tech nerds that helpds with various things" were the Lone Gunmen. I like how you cleverly(?) inserted some technobabble into your answer. :)
Bill the Lizard
Well... They definitely "hacked" off the main line ;)
And another Lone Gunmen classic (from their spin-off series): "What's that he's typing? It's gibberish." "Wait a minute, that's not gibberish, it's Linux!"
Dave Sherohman
+6  A: 

It's a toss-up between Spore's DRM and Google Chrome's original EULA.

Bill the Lizard
+45  A: 

This is actual marketing copy from MSDN

"With BizTalk® Server installed, you arrive at your office in the morning to find that a shipment of door handles that you did not even know you needed is already on your receiving dock ready to be stocked. Not only that, the shipment has already been paid for and your database has been automatically updated."

If anyone has actually worked in manufacturing company and believes that this a realistic scenario feel free to vote me down. Personally, I just giggle like a little girl everytime I read it.

Darrel Miller
I don't know that this is technobabble so much as marketing, but imagining this kind of control of my inventory and money being controlled by MS would scare the living bejezzus out of me. "OH MY GOD! WE HAVE NO MONEY FOR OUR PAYCHECKS THIS WEEK...but that's okay, now we have door handles that I didn't realize we needed, and which are clearly of a higher priority."
In some sectors it is a realistic scenario though I doubt door sales are one them. It's an offshoot of just in time delivery. The perfect example of where this is desired is in the vending machine business - it's expensive to be holding onto extra stock that is not actually in a machine somewhere (especially if it's perishable), but when a machine does run out of something, you want the inventory to replace it *yesterday*. The description sounds a bit off because it's directed at upper management - to them it was ordered all by itself, but in reality BizTalk asked a clerk to confirm the order.
@David I don't doubt that it might work for some companies out there. Anything is possible. The real irony to me is that Biztalk itself is a giant format transformation engine with workflow/routing component. There is no built in supply-chain management intelligence in it. So to credit Biztalk for successfully delivering a product on schedule is like crediting Microsoft Word for helping you win a Pulitzer Prize.
Darrel Miller
+8  A: 

I saw an IT guy tell a user her computer was crashing as her bag was on the power cable and it was stopping the electricity getting though.

I laughed at his joke, but then he just walked away. It appears he wasn't telling a joke!

To be fair, I've given some pretty bogus explanations to people who demanded them while working in IT simply b/c it would have taken too long, and been too confusing, to explain what actually happened. (That's code for "we did it wrong and it would have embarrassed myself or a colleague.")
Greg D
Unfortunately his fix didn't fix the issue and was back a couple of hours later!
+13  A: 

George W. Bush using the word "Internets." I always get a good laugh from that one.

Erikk Ross
Almost as good as his (and now Palin's) use of 'nucular'. Less technology related but equally as stupid.
Geoffrey Chetwood
I want to upvote your comment! I couldn't help but cringe every time she said that in the debate
Mike Stone
I always liked when GWB said "terrorists"; his accent was strong enough to sound like he said "our resolve against the tourists must be strong", which was hilarious almost every time.
Dean J
Sadly, TSA and CBP also thought he was saying "tourists", and implemented airport screening and immigration procedures accordingly.
+20  A: 

Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. In retrospect, it seems like a hilarious read, but while I was actually reading it, I was this close to biting my own elbows off. Not at all recommended for angry nitpickers.

I second! It is hilarious to look back, but eye-burning when you're reading it.
This comes as a disappointment because I had heard that it was technically accurate and was looking forward to reading it... :-\
Dan Herbert
I've never heard of it, but now I really want to read it, if only for the humour aspect.
Graeme Perrow
Whoever said it was accurate was probably on Mr. Brown's marketing department. Go for Cryptonomicon if you want a good tech book.
@Graeme Perrow. Don't do it. I read "The Da Vinci Code" to give it a fair try and ended up throwing it against the wall multiple times. Not cool considering I borrowed the book from a friend.

Guy walked into Dick Smiths Electronics Shop with a floppy disk and asked staff if they could copy the internet on it for him.

+6  A: 

I went to interview for a position at DoubleClick. They deal with Flash Advertising. The interviewer wanted me to know that from time to time you get odd requests. He showed me one: " ... And we would like the the widget to feel Ajaxy." ( referring to the way modern web apps are visually designed these days )

Even worse I had a 'peer' at my work who whats a big phoney. I have no idea how he was able to last so long. Just imagine a programming position where someone who didn't know how to program could hold his job!

Some of the gems this person said were: (in response to adjusting game play) "You know, I've just got to change up the classes."

"Man, I love this Boolean Package, it makes so much sense." (in reference to the boolean object)

"I don't get it, this book says the AS2 code would work in AS3" (after copying and pasting as2 code into as3 and trying to compile... the equivalent of copying C++ into or Javascript into JDE and compiling)

Yeah, the boolean object is a bit tricky, but once you wrap your head around it you can move on to the "big boy" objects that actually require _multiple_ bits to express.
J c
@Change up the classes. Read Strategy pattern, before you mock. It can be applied pretty trivially for different functionality in game programming.
Stefan Kendall
"Ajaxy" I'd accept as truly descriptive, just about the same if they said "I want it to feel all Web 2.0ish."
Dean J
+2  A: 

See Movie: Eagle Eye.

Or better still, don't see it!
That was a painful movie to watch, but yet I couldn't tear myself away. Mind-boggling.
+7  A: 

I once worked on a computer for a guy at his house - while describing a problem he was having copying files, he indicated I should go to "the red zone" to see what he was talking about - in this case, "the red zone" was his desktop, where his wallpaper was the old Win9x "redbricks" image scaled to the size of the desktop (and thus very pixelated). It took a great deal of willpower not to let a chuckle escape...

Erik Forbes
*This* is true awesomeness.
That whole job was full of painful stuff like this, but the 'red zone' stuff was the most memorable.
Erik Forbes
+36  A: 

A recruiter once asked me if I had "C" "pound" experience.

Red flags, red flags!
Erik Forbes
I prefer to call it "Coctothorpe".
I've been asked about C-hash experience...
Arnold Zokas
I was asked also if I had any .NET experience after we had spoken about my work with C pound/c # for a while. I actually laughed out loud...
+2  A: 

On craigslist today

On behalf of our client, XXXX Recruiting is searching for intermediate C++/Pearl Developers
you are strong in C++ with good exposure to Pearl or PHP programming.

Martin Beckett
Well, after Larry Wall shot down the name "Gloria" for his language, he did name it "pearl" for a short time.And there actually is a Pearl language, for Process and Experiment Automation Realtime Language. Look on wiki.
@pookleblinky: The odds of them actually meaning Pearl are, well, really slim.
Dean J
+33  A: 

There's a Star Trek: Voyager episode where Kim's trying to create a replacement holographic doctor, but the immense size of the medical database is overloading it. The solution?

"Computer, install a recursive algorithm!"

Problem solved.

Josh Matthews
This database went on to become this site, and was named therefore appropriately.
David L Morris
As its many fans claim, LISP is the answer to everything!
Zan Lynx
Many situations in Voyager episodes were solved with a recursive algorithm; they are extremely powerful in the hands of a Starfleet officer!
Alex Barrett
My favorite line from Voyager: "Doctor, get this cheese to sickbay at once!":)
Mark Bannister
+13  A: 
Dead link. -----
Thanks, fixed it to my own hosting.
@Raelshark: Redistribution in whole or in part prohibited. :)
Oops. (Shhhhhh)
+39  A: 
"And what's worst: all our base are belong to them!!"
+9  A: 

At a previous job when we were demoing some 3rd party software, the lead technical guy from the other company kept ensuring us that their software was of the highest quality and they didn't use any "if" statements. I guess if statements are bad for performance.

Every if statement creates another logic branch that requires testing. Also creates bubbles in the CPU execution stream. A program with no ifs at all would be perfectly testable and fast! Not too useful though.
Zan Lynx
Using an 'if' means that you are unsure what your program should do.
Rafał Dowgird
Perhaps an extreme use of ternaries?
Chuck Norris doesn't allow IF statements in his programs. They just obey, no questions asked.
Nathan Long
I dream of a programing language that has no IFs (especially nested if statements) ...if is the new age goto, creates spaghetti code, the less you use it the better.
Pop Catalin
@Rafał Dowgird: Really? When I write an if statement I know exactly what I want to do, it just depends on a condition.
Ed Swangren
@Ed, that is true.
Why would you use a Chuck Norris for a programming joke when you have Jon Skeet?
Lotus Notes
+7  A: 

Why do an alarming number of computer illiterates refer to a PC tower as "the hard drive"? I always answer "Where did all the other bits go?" Blank look follows.

CAD bloke
I more often hear the case (tower or desktop) referred to as "the CPU". Regional variation, I guess.
Dave Sherohman
I'm a reservist working at the disposal warehouses for the government, all towers, laptops, and server boxes are CPUs. I feel so sad throwing away millions of dollars of PC parts every month (they get auctioned as scrap).
It's just a synecdoche, referring to part of something as a representation of the whole.
It's possible to fix this situation - after years (literally) of careful conditioning, I was finally able to get my mother to stop calling the tower the hard drive.
Erik Forbes
I always kinda' wanted to call it "The Stack," like the space shuttle stack on the launchpad.
Greg D
Back in the day, way back in the day, when hard drives were the size of a dorm fridge, components were scattered out in different boxes. Yu had a box for the drive, a box for I/O, the terminal etc. The CPU was actually often a single box apart from all the others. Eventually as components shrank, they started putting everything in the same box as CPU so that the CPU became the entire system except for the monitor and keyboard.
+15  A: 

From the "Good Times Virus" hoax email:

If the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop - which can severely damage the processor if left running that way too long.

"nth-complexity infinite binary loop" makes me laugh every time.

"if left running that way too long". Right, because you always want your *infinite* loops to finish quickly.
Graeme Perrow
+5  A: 

It's funny that this just came up since we've been talking about this at the office. Another guy here said his next e-mail was going to contain most of these terms:

The most baffling IT terms, part II

Here was my stab at it:

"I just wanted to let everyone know what happened with our unexpected e-mail downtime. We run a virtualized, rack mounted server farm that runs in the cloud and is hosted by a third party company. Outlook points to this via an IDN. Their WEP key was changed as part of their normal security procedures via a 3G VPN connection, which caused the ASCII bytes normally sent through to be incorrectly encrypted. This generated gigs of logs files which eventually crashed their server. They had to back up these log files onto a blue-ray drive before being able to reset and restart their servers and reset their internal IP addresses. This problem has been addressed and fixed so that it will not occur in the future."

Paul Mrozowski
+2  A: 

Saw a b-grade sci-fi movie on well sci-fi channel.. a skinny dude (obviously referred to as a hacker) whistles into a cell phone and retorts "here long distance is free on this. .forever"

Sridhar Iyer
'The Core' - a classic elbow biter.
I saw this piece of tripe in the theater..... Though at first glance it would appear to have been a waste, the five minutes my friend and I spent laughing at the scene where 'lightning' surrounded the statue of a horse and rider (during which both my friend and I were convinced it was going to come to life) made up for most of it.
Erik Forbes
This is actually a real hack,
Jasper Bekkers
What makes it entirely unbelievable is the cell phone part - 2600 Hz inband signalling wasn't used on mobile networks.
+4  A: 

We're way off technobabble here, but the responses seem to have devolved into general computer cluelessness humor...

My dad was having trouble with his PC and decided to take it into a shop for "tune-up" (he's far away, so I can't perform any laying on of hands). I gleaned from his questions that he was getting ready to take the monitor, but I gently guided him back to taking the tower!


+2  A: 

When someone ask me : What's your computer's pentium?

+7  A: 

Many years ago, in high school, my friend babbling me about his programming skills:

-- You know.. I'm quite competent at Regedit!?

+4  A: 

I think I have most of these beat. If you want to talk crazy nonsense, I worked at a computer store when I was a teenager.

For some reason, there was this fad where everyone called the desktop, the "modem." We have all heard the "harddrive" phrase or of course "cpu" but here they always, several, several different people, uses the word "modem."

Well, for one customer, this was even more difficult to remember, so she referred to her computer as "the Imodium (as in the diarrhea medicine).

+2  A: 

This isn't exactly computer babble, but stupid enough for the spirit of the thing.

My father in law works with the studios.

He had a project with Fox (I think) and told them he would need...

"Four Lifts With Outriggers.

A few days later, the lifts show up, but no outriggers.

He calls up and asks "Hey, where are the outriggers for these lifts?"

They reply: "What!? You said without riggers! Can't your crew rig them?

+20  A: 

I can't believe nobody mention this yet, but in the movie Swordfish when the hacker is asked how he managed to break into the DoD network in only 1 minute he answers:

I dropped a logic bomb through the trapdoor.

That movie is full of similar pain... Blech.
Erik Forbes
"Let's see, just a little more Descartes in the payload, and... launch!"
Nathan Long
Yeah, "pain" is certainly the word for anyone with any technical knowledge watching that movie.
It's a multi-headed recursive algorithm.
Dean J
Are you sure he didn't just say "multi-threaded" quickly?
This is my 'favourite' hated movie line.
+8  A: 

There was a great one in 24 where they knew something had happened to a character because "she hasn't updated her cron jobs, she's meant to do that every 15 minutes but she missed the last one!" It's like they ALMOST knew what they were talking about.

In real life, my high school computer teacher told me that a multi-sync monitor was one that tipped forwards / backwards as well as swivelling. When I went to buy a PC I caused the shopdude to look at me very strangely when I said "so is this monitor multi-sync? [fx: swivel, tilt] Oh yes, good."

[Edit:] Oh, and I can't believe I forgot - I received a call from a recruitment agency trying to get me to interview a guy whose key skills included "He's very experienced in the tee-see-pip programming language".


So, the guy of hackers-through-electrical-network fame once proposed a fantastic method to protect his intranet from hackers: the bastion host had to be a IRIX machine. After the bastion host, another computer with Linux was present. This linux computer was followed by a HP/UX machine, the HP/UX followed by a FreeBSD.

His idea is that a hacker, in order to access his intranet, had to be competent in all the operating systems at once to be able to crack all of them, meaning that he would be trapped in this deceiving tarpit of informatic despair. He called it "multilayered firewall".

I mean, not that is a bad idea, but I think that it's enough nonsense for many other reasons.

Stefano Borini
Seems to make some sense. Place a number of polarizing lenses at random angles and it's unlikely that much light will get through.
Stefan Kendall
@Stefan Kendall: yes, it makes sense when you have a crew competent in every operating system you use, as well as support contracts with each company. A bit expensive, and a bitch to find the right employees
Stefano Borini
+1  A: 

My wife's sister:

  • Asked me how photos can be added to The Facebo.
  • Using Mozilla Firefox on Linux she said: How strange is your internet.

Somoebody I do not remember:

  • As you know, Bill Gates invented the computer, so... (At this very moment I stopped listening)
+15  A: 

I personally like Swordfish for the visual representation (three big cubes) of a hacker putting together a virus. Particularly the point where they turned nice colours and glowed to let him know it was working.

P.S. I would love to be able to code like this. IDE writers, if you're watching, please take note...

Do you really think anyone would want to see VS, EMACS, VIM or Notepad being used in a movie (that isn't a member of this site)
Matthew Whited
I'd watch an ASCII art movie, done purely in notepad...
What is more to it is that he uses actually uses a pretty old computer for storing his worm: "In the movie Swordfish, Stanley the hacker stores the code for his worm on a PDP-10 in a file room of Caltech that was kept online, and on the internet, for "historical sake"."
+9  A: 

I saw this one in a bollywood movie. Our hero was busy romancing with his gf until his friend informs him about upcoming college exams. So, he decides to get examination papers by hacking into his college network. This is how he goes about it:

Enters Lab. Opens up a command prompt window. Types - Hack System

And that's it!!...A window pops up- System Hacked

He gets access to all papers and returns to his gf for a romantic song :)

Nice!! :D

(Give him +1 for at least opening up the command prompt instead of doing it in notepad) :D

It was nice of them to include a `hack` program with the OS. I wonder what other options you could pass in? "Hack Pizza Delivery" would be a good one.
Nathan Long
$ man hack; No manual entry to hack :(

I was once informed that a computer had 5 IEs of speed and then asked how to get more IEs.

+1  A: 

It's not the worst, but it's still painful.

Pretty manager lady's technical advise to an HTML guy: "We should use ASCII coding to protect the e-mails."


In a computer shop, circa 1997:

Me: Do you have internal ZIP drives?

Salesman: Yes, here it is (shows me a ZIP plus drive, which had two ports, parallel and SCSI)

Me: This is an external drive.

Salesman: Well, this one is external and internal at the same time.

Me: Eeeh... thanks...

He's not fully wrong, as the zip drive is inside his own box...
+3  A: 

I called my ISP tech support for an unreliable connection. I'd run some pretty intensive tests and discovered serious packet loss.

Me: The connection is dropping packets

Tech: What else is it dropping?

I just gave up after that.

Neil Aitken
yeah... sounds like it was time to get a new ISP
Matthew Whited
I stuck with that connection for another year, sadly every ISP in the UK is utterly useless.
Neil Aitken

We must imagineer the system’s REVPAR model with our non-rational uniform B-spline to reticulate a grid mesh that correlates availability with rates in a multi-dimensional revenue cube so that the business consistently synergizes it EBITDA.


The Vice President of my division, many jobs back, would somehow get a list of buzzwords in his head that were always backwards. We'd print up bingo cards before meetings, which made pep talks by this guy much easier to endure.

"We're only limited by the size of the widthband" was my personal favorite, followed by "our transformation to a high-baud organization" and "Lotus Notes is the future."

Dean J

NOT computer related: I heard a salesman telling some customer who asked about oversampling on a DVD player that it was the number of times it read the data to make sure it got it right.



Preparing for an integration project:

Me - "Ok, so we should talk to your partner to know more about their web services"

Customer - "Sure, you know, they have a whole X and ML department. This will be easy"

+2  A: 

Stargate Atlantis

They're communicating with some Aliens which want to send some data. Dr. Weir: "Download it to a non-networked, firewalled computer!"

Maybe the non-networked computer is just running Windows XP, which has Windows Firewall on by default?
@Evgeny: The real question is, how do you download data to that PC? ;)
Hmm... over serial cable?

Check out this video:

Our hero does performs an impossible security hack..using Windows media player! :-)

+1  A: 

"Global impact paradigm shift" as spoken by my former, retarded, CEO.

el chief