Nobody likes waiting but unfortunately in the Ajax application I'm working on at the moment, there is one fair-sized pause (1-2 seconds a go) that users have to undergo each and every time they want to load up a chunk of data.

I've tried to make the load as interactive as possible. There's an animated GIF alongside a very plain, very dull "Loading..." message.

So I thought it might be quite fun to come up with a batch of 50-or-so funny-looking messages and pick from them randomly so the user never knows what they're going to see. The time they would have spent growing impatient is fruitfully used.

Here's what I've come up with so far, just to give you an idea.

var randomLoadingMessage = function() {
    var lines = new Array(
        "Locating the required gigapixels to render...",
        "Spinning up the hamster...",
        "Shovelling coal into the server...",
        "Programming the flux capacitor"
    return lines[Math.round(Math.random()*(lines.length-1))];

(Yes -- I know some of those are pretty lame -- That's why I'm here :)

The funniest I see today will get the prestigious "Accepted Answer" award. Others get votes for participation.


+17  A: 

"Scanning your hard drive for credit card details. Please be patient..."

I wouldn't use that one due to obvious reasons...
+10  A: 

Creating Time-Loop Inversion Field

or "Field Inversion Loop-Time Creating"
Chris Upchurch
+6  A: 

The traditional line: "Loading a virus, please relax while your life's work is being deleted..."

I also wouldn't use that one due to obvious reasons...
+108  A: 

"Scanning your hard drive for pr0n. Please be patient..."

counting b00b1es on the intrawebs.
@whatnick ERROR: Integer overflow.
@Aistina followed by "Please wait while we recompile with long ints"
+52  A: 

"The gods contemplate your fate..."

Yes, although the quote might not be 100% accurate.
"The Gods pause for a moment to contemplate your fate." Viva la DosBox!
That was a game!
Was that from Nethack?
@lagerdalek, it was from Moonstone.
+89  A: 

"It looks like you're waiting for a website to load..."

this one made me irlol
"... Can I help you with that?"
Dalin Seivewright
You should totally drop that and try ...
+194  A: 

Reticulating splines

I remember this from WAY back at the first "Sim City" games.
I first saw it in The Sims 1. I still don't know what it means, if anything. I don't know what a spline is or why it needs to be reticulated or what reticulated even means.
Thomas Owens
see here http://stackoverflow.com/questions/182112/funny-loading-statements-to-keep-users-amused#182139
Jeff Atwood
Man, I miss those old Maxis games.
That's a classic
Joshua Carmody
I still have some of the old ones, like SimTower, all 8bits of it graphics suck but its fun to script it to run in the background and build the tower.
@Unkwntech: You can script SimTower??
Michael Myers
You can do anything you want when you can programmaticly move the mouse and simulate KB events. :)
SWEET! I love that one. Or Re-reticulaing splines.
Spore has quite a few of these too.
You also get this message from the Mozy Backup Client...
SimTower was awesome! SimCity2000 best sim game ever IMHO!
Steve Tranby
+1 for SimTower and SimCity 2K :)Old maxis was the best.
+1 for the best loading message of all time. I had seen a few references to this on SO and, for some reason, it sounded so familiar.
Evan Plaice
+2  A: 

"Computer shutting down in ..."

"Please wait whilst your harddisk is erased ..."

"How did I get sucked in to writing out silly loading lines?"

+90  A: 


SimCity 2000 was the first sim game to feature the semi-nonsensical phrase "Reticulating Splines". Will Wright stated in an interview that the game does not actually reticulate splines when generating terrain; he inserted the phrase because it "sounded cool". The phrase has since been featured in SimCopter, SimCity 4 and The Sims, as well as being referenced humorously by a status message in Mozy, an off-site backup solution offered by EMC Corporation. It is also parodied in the game Spore which features the phrase "Reticulating Spines" in some of its loading screens.

video clip of female voiceover from simcity 2k http://tinyurl.com/5x8xz6

Jeff Atwood
I remember first seeing it in SimCopter. I thought it was helicopter terminology.
Mark Cidade
Splines are also supposedly "reticulated" in the PS3 game "Tiger Woods Golf" while it creates a 3d model from a user-loaded photo, as part of the "Player Game Face" feature.
The nice part of this one is that Mozy actually does reticulate splines when it does its change set calculations but nobody believes it.
+2  A: 

... we're holding our sausage hostage... please be patient...

+67  A: 

Measuring the cable length to fetch your data...

Haha, you could add something like "One inch of cable length. Two inches of cable length. Three inches of..."
+70  A: 

Futurama Rules!

Reconfoobling energymotron

You found my weak spot! Futurama reference gets the upvote :-)
... or whatever.
Kevin Panko
+3  A: 

Please pick your your nose and look disinterested at the screen...
Thank you!

+7  A: 

Sorry my binaries are swapped, busy re-sorting them now....

+54  A: 

"HELP!, I'm being held hostage, and forced to write the stupid lines!"

PS, I got this in a fortune cookie once.
Yeah, thought I heard this before
Pablo Marambio
Reminds me of Apple's Blue Meanies: "Help! Help! We're being held prisoner in a system software factory!"
+71  A: 

Maybe some recursion:

"Want to see a funny loading message? Take a look here"

Chris Boesing
DOH, now don't I feel stupid, I clicked the link and was like "WTF?"
It's funny because it's true, granted in my defense it is 4am, and I've not yet gone to bed, damn hobby projects.
Hahahaahaha - Up Vote!
HAhaha, THAT was funny! Im looking at u Unkwntech :P
Aw crap. [I fell for it too]
DOH +1 got me too ...
grrrrrrr and me
Mark Cooper
i was reading the jokes section before this post, and that one got me :) so thankfully this didnt :D
+1: And me. Plus, I had to do it again, just to make sure.
This page looks awkwardly familiar ...
+8  A: 

"Communing with nature"

"Spinning the wheel of fortune"

Dare I suggest "I'll be back"

Pick a few more famous movie lines....

+34  A: 
  • Why so serious?
  • Er, there is something on your teeth.
  • Are you ready?
  • Prepare for awesomeness!
  • It's not you. It's me.
  • Ouch! Careful where you point that thing!
Prepare for awesomeness. Hihi
+1 "Why so serious?"
Nader Shirazie
+5  A: 

Hmmm, on a Futurama style theme, I've always wanted to say something like this:

"Let this abomination unto the Lord begin"

Phill Sacre
+3  A: 

Just taking the doggy for an urgent walk...please be patient!!

+260  A: 

"Loading humorous message ... Please Wait"

You went meta on that
Varun Mahajan
For a long while my mailing list sig was "WARNING: SYSTEM FAILURE! Unable to insert amusing tagline."
Chris Upchurch
@Varun: Never go full meta.
+1  A: 
  • "BRB"
  • "BBIAB"
+45  A: 
  • Waiting for the system admin to hit enter...
  • Paging for the system admin...
  • Warming up the processors...
  • Reconfiguring the office coffee machine...
  • RE-calibrating the internet...
  • Your underwear has conflicted our DB. Please change daily.

Although not that original I really like this idea. I've been wating for a client that would let me use this kind of "features" for a while now. The possibilities are endless.

Note: not my native language so not sure about the spelling etc.

"Waiting for the system admin to hit enter..." is the best one in this thrad.

In my opinion, you should just use the animated GIF alongside a very plain, very dull "Loading..." message. I prefer to be informed, not entertained. The only exception would be if the page in question would be some kind of funny entertainment page - in that case the light entertaining style would be appropriate as it would fit the overall page style, but in a normal "serious" page I would prefer real information.

It's never that black and white. There are a lot of "serious" apps that people use every day for "mission critical" tasks where a humorous comment here and there would very much improve my day because waiting for data to downloading is a godless task.
"in a normal "serious" page I would prefer real information"Yes, because everyone reads the tooltips for a product.
Adriano Varoli Piazza
+1 - I wouldn't have posted a response if I'd seen this first.
-12 for this answer?? sometimes I don't get the abusive downvoting. this guy might have answered incorrectly, but the answer still starts with "in my opinion"... a simple -1 would have been enough...
This is normal. The most up-voted answer gets most up votes, most down voted one gets most down votes. Moreover, this answer is not "incorrect", it rather questions the whole question. It is very likely people reading this question are those who like the question, therefore it is no surprise they do not agree with me "questioning" the question.As this is community wiki (no rep. impact), there is no difference if this gets -1 or -11.
Just think of Google, isn't it big? Isn't it good? Have you seen its error messages? Specially on orkut... Like "Bad bad server, you won't get a donnut"... Something like that.
Felipe Fiali
-1 because I was smiling until I saw this boring, political, have-to-express-my-opinion-because-i-disagree-and-dont-add-anything-to-thread-really, while the question asks for creativity/humor with loading lines, which I believe is a fun and personal touch between all the horror in developing an application. I would've voted -100 if I could.
“I prefer to be informed, not entertained.” — As long as you’re not the sort of humourless dickcheese who inflicts his dull preferences on everyone else by putting in rules against things having some character, fair enough. Otherwise, pull the stick out of your arse and apply your energies to stopping things that actually cause harm.
Paul D. Waite
@Paul: I am not putting any rules, I have just state my personal opinion and preference (see "In my opinion" or "I prefer").
Bravo! That’s alright then.
Paul D. Waite
@m_oLogin: a downvote is just that: a downvote. It may mean *wipe this person from my planet* or *I politely disagree*. Apparently, people who don't want to be entertained are not very popular right now :)
+10  A: 

"Adjusting data for your IQ..."
"Generating next funny line..."
"Entertaining you while you wait..."


"Improving your reading skills..."
"Dividing eternity by zero, please be patient..."
"Just stalling to simulate activity..."
"Adding random changes to your data..."
"Waiting for approval from Bill Gates..."

+134  A: 

"Warming up Large Hadron Collider..."

Cooling down Large Hadron Collider
Matt Price
Dusting Large Hadron Collider. With a toothbrush. For a Barbie.
Ates Goral
Look up "Bose Einstein Condensate" in the context of powerful fluctuating magnetic fields. The LHC has such fields and is surrounded by 700 tonnes of liquid helium, which is a BEC. I'm not sure that's so funny.
Peter Wone
"Donning tinfoil hat"
David Heggie
Cleaning icono-synclastic infundibulator
Opening hyperdimensional door...
"Detecting presence of birds ............. DONE (NONE FOUND)""Warming up LHC ......."
Nicholas Kreidberg

"Back in 5..."

+74  A: 

"Press Alt+F4 for a quick IQ test"

(this has the added bonus of being able to waste some time on making your loading messages User-Agent specific...)

If only I could do this without getting fired...
Ahh, Alt-H was the good old one for the Bulletin Board days with a 1200baud modem. That caught me out a couple times actually!
how about Press CTRL-ALT-DEL for a quick IQ test?
Talkers/Muds equivalent "type qu for quote of the day" <user has disconnected>
Chris J
@Jian Lin:cross platform only!M$ things are not OK.
This one is FUNNY !!
+54  A: 

"Searching for Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything"

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy eh? I like it.
Noah Goodrich
Count it up to 42 while doing it.
Daddy Warbox
...or show while waiting an animation of a white mouse in a running wheel !
Tom Carter
"... please make sure you don't find the question"
Pablo Marambio
or... constantly count up to 41, wait a couple seconds, and then reset to 1. Repeat indefinitely.
Don't count up to 42 - use '.'s to make a line that grows to a length of 42: ..........................................
Chris Lutz
42, this question have found it's answer. please don't vote further :)
+5  A: 

"Please wait while the punch tape loads..."

+3  A: 

Nowadays I'd rather frighten users by mentioning RIAA, not viruses :)

Something like "scanning your hard drive for pirated movies"

+180  A: 

Animate this:

Testing RAM..............OK
Testing CPU..............OK
Testing Primary Disk.....OK
Testing Patience.......FAIL

Peter Wone
It's a bit too much to squeeze through in the time, but that's a lovely idea for a longer waiting period.
I'd say forget the out of patience error, just keep writing dots after testing patience indefinetly.
You could omit the first three lines and just keep writing dots, as per SpoonMeiser's suggestion. :)
USER ERROR: OUT OF PATIENCE! Performing memory dump...
Cristián Romo
How about a shockwave animation of Clippy (the annoying paperclip from Office) tapping on the screen (complete with sound) and saying "It looks like you're running out of patience. Would you like to write a letter?"
Peter Wone
USER ERROR: OUT OF PATIENCE! Please wait while we submit error reports.
Your users will not be amused with this message/error
Click Upvote

Although some are too specific to the game for general use, Auto Assault had a good list of loading messages, which has been archived here

Dave Sherohman
+2  A: 

Now diluting data to match transmission capacity - please wait.....

The Baby's crying, please change nappies while I am starting up...

I've been wondering lately, don't you get lonesome staring at me?

+8  A: 

Cybernet loading self awareness....please be patient;

Starting missile launch sequence in 10, 9...;

Increasing speed to 88.8mph;

+1  A: 

Please wait a moment, deciphering your intentions...


This is direct for men audience:

Loading data sequence....

Generating female bitmap..................

Undressing female......

Rendering image....

Preparing to show......

Putting data into ram....

Preparing to draw....


Lukas Šalkauskas
If I were in the US I would mark this as offensive. I'm in Argentina though, so it's fine.
+3  A: 

Contacting HAL9000 for authorization... I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

R. Bemrose
+5  A: 

Accommodating poor back-end SQL query. Please wait...

Fake Jim
LOL, funny cause it's likely true.
J c
+77  A: 

Time is an illusion. Loading time doubly so.

Nice DNA reference, except, s/dually/doubly/
fixed it. I couldn't remember which one it was. blasted English language.
I thought that was a Hitchhiker's reference.
Matt Ball
It is a Hitchhiker's reference. DNA was Douglas Noel Adams, the author.
+4  A: 

To speed up process turn crank attached to computer.

+23  A: 

QUIET !!! I'm trying to think here !

Tom Carter
+7  A: 

The bits in [] are optional. Alternatively, they can show up after some time:

Waking up the AI... [Error: COFFEE_BIT not set]

Starting [sub]pixel analysis...

Loading loading messages...

Trying to give priority back to actual processing from the loading message handler...

This is a haiku
Your content is now loading
Be patient, will you?

only if be pat-i-ent please orbe pat-ient puh-lease
It's hard to do this in a non-phonetic language like English.s/please/will you/ as necessary.
+2  A: 

Illegal software found on your hard drive! Never mind it's a photo of Chuck Norris...

+6  A: 

"Computing chance of success"

+272  A: 
  • Do you suffer from ADHD? Me neith- oh look a bunny... What was I doing again? Oh, right. Here we go.
  • The last time I tried this the monkey didn't survive. Let's hope it works better this time.
  • Testing data on Timmy... ... ... We're going to need another Timmy.
  • I should have had a V8 this morning.
  • My other load screen is much faster. You should try that one instead.
  • The version I have of this in testing has much funnier load screens.
Rob Allen
love the timmy one
Upvoted for timmy. Also like the monkey one. :)
Man how long has it been since I even thought about Timmy :) thanks for the laugh.
Ron Tuffin
Just in case the "Timmy" stuff needs a reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwVA698Hx2g
Rob Allen
AA for the Timmy one. I managed to miss that before. Almost had me on the floor in fits of giggles.
I like the last two because they are funny, but not region-specific. Never heard of Timmy, only heard of V8 because I spent last year in the US, and the first two aren't really that funny.
Airsource Ltd
lol +1 for timmy
I think the monkey one is a reference to the infamous "Scratch Monkey" story. See http://www.cs.utah.edu/~elb/folklore/scrtch.monkey
@Ted.dennison - Funny story, but not what I had in mind.
Rob Allen
well...it should have been. :-)
It should be 'Me neith-', not 'Me eith-'
Charlie Somerville
I kid you not. I was on an interview for a consulting job. The IT Director had this large glass window that stretched from floor to ceiling. A rabbit hopped by the window and I interrupted her and yelled, "Oh, look a rabbit!". She laughed and gave me the job right then, because, in her words, "I wasn't the serious type," and she wanted someone she could work with."
+21  A: 

Yes there really are magic elves with an abacus working frantically in here.

+3  A: 

Press the Any key to continue.

No not that one, the "Any" key.

Ha ha, gotcha again.

  • "All your pages are belong to me/us." (pick which you prefer, me or us)
  • "Sending up the codes."

I can't think of many more at the moment, but I'm sure I will later. I know they aren't completely original, but as a gamer, it still amuses me (and some of the music videos people make are funny)

+37  A: 
  • Waiting for Godot...
  • Please don't move...
  • Working... no, just kidding.
  • Working... hey, come back here!
  • Working... So, how are you?
  • Behind you! Ha, ha, gotcha!
  • Please count to 10...
  • Are your shoelaces tied?
  • Exercise: enumerate your shopping list as quickly as possible
  • Working... unlike you!
  • Working... well... you know...
  • Doing something useful...
  • null
  • Oh, yeah, comments! Good idea!

Ok, that's it for this time.

Carl Seleborg
Do you have a bit of rope?

preparing to format hard drive...

+2  A: 
+9  A: 

"Caching internet locally..."

Rik Garner
+3  A: 
  1. Spinning up gerbil wheel
  2. Mounting a scratch monkey
  3. Counting an infinite number of monkeys
  4. Stretching an owl
  5. Buying the world a Coke

Sorry, I don't know how to help in this situation. Maybe you should try asking a human?


Awaking the Computer..

Ramesh Soni

Lo-lo-lo-lo-loading.... Sorry to stammer, I do it every time when I have to wait for something.


"Prepare yourself, for the season of the Moonstones is upon you!"


"Do you think this page will load?"

"Ahh.... kidding"

"No, seriously"

Mohit Ranka
+5  A: 

Just use a line from Portal's "Still Alive", bonus points for audio:

"This was a triumph

I’m making a note here: huge success

It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction

Aperture Science

We do what we must because we can

For the good of all of us

Except the ones who are dead

But there’s no sense crying over every mistake

You just keep on trying till you run out of cake

And the science gets done and you make a neat gun

For the people who are still alive"

Or the ever wonderful, "Code Monkey" by the same artist, Jonathon Coulton:

"Code Monkey get up get coffee

Code Monkey go to job

have boring meeting with boring manager Rob

Rob say Code Monkey very diligent

but his output stink

his code not functional or elegant

what do Code Monkey think

Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write goddamn login page himself

Code Monkey not say it out loud

Code Monkey not crazy just proud"

Abyss Knight
+2  A: 

Please wait... Rebooting the Internet

Taking the red pill...

Jaap Coomans
+1  A: 

"insert progress message here"

"message intentionally left blank"

"lorem ipsum dolor..."

+6  A: 

Centralizing the processing units...

Randomizing memory access...

I think, therefore I am...loading!

I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that

Steven A. Lowe
+184  A: 
Loading Infinite Monkeys....
Monkey 1....................Loaded
Monkey 2....................Loaded
Monkey 3....................Loaded
Monkey 4....................Loaded
Monkey 5....................Loaded
Monkey 6....................Loaded
Monkey 7....................Loaded
Monkey 8.........
Matthew Scouten
My favourite kernel panic message was "Enraged Monkey Error: Out of bananas!
Peter Wone
I just wonder when people start asking each other "How many monkeys have you got?"
+20  A: 

"Brain the size of a planet and all you want me to do is recite a funny loading message..."

+12  A: 

"You shouldn't have done that."

"Remember, beer and email don't mix."

"I found a typo! Sending..."

"Your time is important to us. Please hold."

"Warning: Do not set yourself on fire."

"Beauty is skin deep. Have a bag."

"Recording IP address... Checking cookies... Scanning browser history... Generating ad content... Enjoy the goats!"

"Loading new loading screen."

"Making you a cookie."

"Stealing bucket."

"Photographing cats... Attaching signs... MEME complete!"

"Loading new loading screen." I've seen that in a Hard Disk Recovery program.
+1  A: 

All your base are soon belong to us ...

Charlie boy
+1  A: 

Flooding the InterTubes...

Jason Miesionczek
+11  A: 

Recalculating PI....

+1  A: 

a "reticulated spline" is a valid geometrical entity. They're used a lot in terrain modelling. Because you can get non-reticulated splines, someone wiseguy obviously thought it good to start reticulating them.

+1 interesting, -1 not a real answer (so I'm not actually voting)
Lord Torgamus
+10  A: 

Courtesy of [Insert website here]. Sending you to the future one second at a time since [insert current timestamp].

Or just the trimmed version:

"Transporting you into the future one second at a time..."

+63  A: 
  • Are we there yet?
  • Insert quarter
  • 1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall...
  • Hang on a sec, I know your data is here somewhere
  • Well, what are you waiting for?
  • Are we there yet?
  • Have you lost weight?
  • Congratulations!
  • Are we there yet?
Jeff B
++ for the bottles of beer on the wall and hang on a sec
+1 for "Insert quater"
Matthew Whited
+361  A: 

The MIT campus map has a bunch of good ones:

(All loading messages are prefixed with "Please wait")

  • 640K ought to be enough for anybody
  • the architects are still drafting
  • the bits are breeding
  • we're building the buildings as fast as we can
  • would you prefer chicken, steak, or tofu?
  • pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
  • and enjoy the elevator music
  • while the little elves draw your map
  • a few bits tried to escape, but we caught them
  • and dream of faster computers
  • would you like fries with that?
  • checking the gravitational constant in your locale
  • go ahead -- hold your breath
  • at least you're not on hold
  • hum something loud while others stare
  • you're not in Kansas any more
  • the server is powered by a lemon and two electrodes
  • we love you just the way you are
  • while a larger software vendor in Seattle takes over the world
  • we're testing your patience
  • as if you had any other choice
  • take a moment to sign up for our lovely prizes
  • don't think of purple hippos
  • follow the white rabbit
  • why don't you order a sandwich?
  • while the satellite moves into position
  • the bits are flowing slowly today
  • dig on the 'X' for buried treasure... ARRR!
  • it's still faster than you could draw it

EDIT: MIT has since updated their campus map. The old map can still be found at archive.org, and the old loading messages can still be found here (for now).

Adam Rosenfield
I like the gravitational constant one.
checking the gravitational constant in your locale is the best! LOL!
Pablo Marambio
Please wait we're testing your patience. ... haha
ha I used to work someplace where we *did* need to check the local gravitational vector, actually stored in a db indexed by lat/lon :).
Doug T.
The last one is the best, period.
Andrea Ambu
"a few bits tried to escape, but we caught them"
+1 for "don't think of purple hippos"... grrr, that coffee goes for $3.50 a cup! ;-)
first I didn't get it on MIT Map, but then I clicked on right arrow and wow it was there! "the serve is powered by a lemon and two electrodes"
"we love you just the way you are." Aww...now I don't mind waiting.
I'm guessing gravitational forces vary depending on distance from the core...
Love the last one- "It's still faster than _you_ could draw it". +1
+1  A: 

Locating infinite improbability drive...

Disengaging Genuine People Personalities Protocol for your sanity...

+1  A: 

For anyone who played Everquest this might be familiar:

"Teaching Snakes to Kick"

Esteban Brenes

"Please stand by, application name is grunting a sculpture"

Chris Ballance
+69  A: 

"Press play on tape."

Daniel Auger
Dammit - I'm old enough to get this. Good one. +1
CAD bloke
Yeah, me too. *sigh* +1
Or similarly, "Please Turn to Side B and press Play"
LOL. +1 I remember using those... and when it finally loaded you'd change your mind and choose another game.
+1. hahahahahah. I'm with the other oldies...
Mitch Wheat
+1 I feel old. I wasn't even a teenager when I had to follow that instruction. *sigh*
+1 ... and don't forget the ,1 in ,8,1 :)
Skaldrom Y. Sarg
Man I remember those. I used to start loading the program before I would go outside to play. That way I could play games when I was done outside (an hour later). I was always so happy when I could find the games on cartridge instead of tape.
+1  A: 

"Contemplating the meaning of life"

+17  A: 

"Counting backwards from infinity"

+12  A: 

You are in a maze of twisty loading screens, all alike...


"The longer it takes me, the better it will be for you"

+1  A: 

"I have experience with [insert random program on system]. I can see [program] from my directory."

Robert Rouse
+2  A: 

Waking up your lazy processor.

Having a quick byte to eat ...

I'll be with you in a bit ...


Jeopardy music


I was trying to think of Flight of the Concords lyrics (I love that show too):

This is Bowie to Bowie, do you hear me out there man?

This is Bowie back to Bowie I read you loud and clear, man.

+2  A: 
I like animations like this, if loading doesn't take long. There may be copyright issues though on a commercial website.
+2  A: 

"Baking cake..."

“Look behind you, a Three-Headed Monkey!”

LOL! Great quote from Monkey Island!
Andrea Ambu
+1  A: 

Searching for an external observer required to conduct Turing Test ...

Ryan Delucchi
+8  A: 

"While you're waiting, why not head over to http://stackoverflow.com?"

Rodger Cooley
+3  A: 

Charging capacitors to 1.21 jiggawatts...
Initializing loading message database...
Entertaining possibility of continuing...

+7  A: 

Checking prime directives...

  • "Serve the public trust"
  • "Protect the innocent"
  • "Uphold the law"
  • (Classified)
s t
+1 (Classified)
+1  A: 

"Gnarfling the Garthok"

"Having fun storming the castle"

Had to give you a +1 for the Princess Bride.

(Most should probably begin with "Please wait...")

  • Fixing glitch...
  • Going the distance...
  • Searching for dragons...
  • Hitting your keyboard won't make this faster...
  • Generating 20 Questions...
  • Releasing hamsters...

Also, on a separate but very important note, this post now shows up first in Google when searching for "funny loading messages". Go SO!

+2  A: 

"Drink and be merry for tomorrow this site may load"

"Et tu RAM"

"This site is like a box of chocolates, you never know what page is gonna load."

"Don't press back ... pretty please"

"All your web browser are belong to us"

Ohh ya and. "If you load it; they will wait"
  • checking your assets
  • checking your collection
  • ordering XYZ book from Amazon...
Milan Babuškov
+3  A: 

Some lame ones:

  • The loading screen is a lie.
  • Houston, we have a... oh, hi. All fine here.

"Queueing bird songs" "Coloring flowers"

Online image editor Picnik has a bunch of cutesey loading messages like this.

Why did anyone downvote this?
+59  A: 

"It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue."

Erik Forbes
+1  A: 

Sid Meier's Sword of the Samurai anyone:

"Cultivate a stoic calmness"

See http://www.links.net/dox/warez/games/microprose/samurai/pix/interstitialcalmness.gif for how looked it.

There were other koans which I forget.


Loading... Please be patie... OMG! Your dog is on fire!


"Calculating time to load site..."


Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?


If it's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.


Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.


The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

+4  A: 

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.


We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

+17  A: 

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?


Next year the government will start deporting all of the weird old people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run, my friend, RUN !!!

+125  A: 

How about randomly generating a phrase?

[verbing] [adjective] [plural noun]

And then have a small dictionary for each of these three slots: { "transglutinating", "fine-tuning" }, { "injector", "radiant" }, { "goatherd", "post-processor" }.

Do you know the Firefox plugin "Firesomething"? Brands each Firefox window with a new name - like Moongnu, Poweroyster etc. Sadly it's not available for FF 3
Oh yes! I used to use that back in FF2. :D
heh, or "Im in ur [random]z, [random]ing ur [random]z!"
Make sure you figure out what the most inappropriate combination is before deploying :)
Dining Philanderer
**@Olaf:** http://quitt.net/Mozilla/Extensions/firesomething-1.8.0-fx-patched3.xpi
Alex Barrett
Is it just me, or does `transglutinating the radiant goatherd` just sound ...
Sean Vieira
In soviet Russia [random noun] [random verb]'s YOU!
Ahh... and I thought I was the only one that wrote stuff like that...
  • AjaxApp is starting...
  • AjaxApp is shutting down...
  • Calculating time to load...
  • 99.99% complete...
Mark Stock
+2  A: 
  • Preprocessing...
  • Parsing...
  • Compiling...
  • Coffee time!
  • Linking...
Mark Stock
If I ever get to write a compiler for something, I think I'll insert this.
+5  A: 
+1  A: 

Why write your own? Find a good fortune.dat file,

#include "fortune.h"

And take it from there!


It's not really suited for your problem, but I always liked the dragon ball bodokai 3 loading screen. - Playstation.

With time passing by little, monster came out of the soil.

If you twisted one analog stick, they came quicker and more of them came. If you twist both analog stick and use both controlers you get a very decent rate of aliends digging out. (It also depends on the twisting speed)

The controllers cried for mercy. Yes they did!

+5  A: 

Searching for the Amulet of Yendor

Preparing for hyperspace jump

Slaying a Balrog

Going to DEFCON 1

Searching for the... OMG, what the heck is THAT doing there?

Chris Latta
+1 for Yendor reference
+5  A: 

Computing 6 x 9...

Estimated time to completion: 10 million years. Please wait.
Joe White

Photophlow has some amusing loading messages. Check it out.

Jauder Ho

"the Matrix has you, $USERNAME"

"follow the white rabbit"

+124  A: 

The NetPositive browser on BeOS had some great error messages! They were all written as Haiku and could be modified to suit your app or at least provide some inspiration:


  The web site you seek
  Lies beyond our perception
  But others await.

  Sites you are seeking
  From your path they are fleeing
  Their winter has come.

  A truth found, be told
  You are far from the fold, Go
  Come back yet again.

  Wind catches lily
  Scatt'ring petals to the wind:
  Your site is not found.

  These three are certain:
  Death, taxes, and site not found.
  You, victim of one.

  Ephemeral site.
  I am the Blue Screen of Death.
  No one hears your screams.

  Aborted effort:
  The site, passed this veil of tears.
  You ask way too much.

  Mourning and sorrow
  404 not with us now
  Lost to paradise.

  Not a pretty sight
  When the web dies screaming loud
  The site is not found.

  Site slips through fingers
  Pulse pounding hard and frantic
  Vanishing like mist.

  The dream is shattered
  The web site cannot be found
  Inside the spring rain.

  Bartender yells loud
  Your site cannot be found, boy
  Buy another drink.

  Chrome megaphone barks
  It's not possible to talk
  Not yet anyway.

  Emptyness of soul
  Forever aching blackness:
  "Blah.com not found."

  Click exciting link
  Gossamer threads hold you back
  404 not found.

  With searching comes loss
  And the presence of absence:
  The site is not found.

  You step in the stream,
  But the water has moved on
  The site is not here.

  Rather than a beep
  Or a rude error message,
  These words: 'Site not found.'

  Something you entered
  Transcended parameters.
  The site is unknown.

  Stay the patient course
  Of little worth is your ire
  The server is down

  There is a chasm
  Of carbon and silicon
  The server can't bridge.

  Chaos reigns within.
  Reflect, repent, and retry.
  Server shall return.

  Won't you please observe
  A brief moment of silence
  For the dead server?

  First snow, then silence.
  This expensive server dies
  So beautifully.

  Seeing my great fault
  Through darkening dead servers
  I begin again.

  Visit the home page
  It can't be done easily
  When the site is down.

  Cables have been cut
  Southwest of Northeast somewhere
  We are not amused.

  Site is silent, yes
  No voices can be heard now
  The cows roll their eyes.

  Silicon shudders
  The site is down for the count
  One big knockout punch.

  Yesterday it worked
  Today it is not working
  The web is like that.

  The ten thousand things
  How long do any persist?
  The file, not there.

  A file that big?
  It might be very useful
  But now it is gone.

  To have no errors
  Would be life without meaning
  No struggle, no joy

  Errors have occurred.
  We won't tell you where or why.
  Lazy programmers.

  The code was willing
  It considered your request,
  But the chips were weak.

  Error reduces
  Your expensive computer
  To a simple stone.

  Server's poor response
  Not quick enough for browser.
  Timed out, plum blossom.

  Login incorrect.
  Only perfect spellers may
  Enter this system.

I recall seeing this message somewhere: "A file of that type? / It might be very useful. / Here it will not work."
Michael Myers
Oh wow that really was the greatest thing I have ever read.
+1 just for the death and taxes one
Lord Torgamus
I love haikus. Teary sniff.
A lot of these are just sentences split unnaturally into "haiku", which actually requires a measure of 5-7-5 morae, not syllables. </pedant>

Setting the modulating fibulator to full polarity...


this page was crafted from only the finest ascii...

+2  A: 

Sorry. Our server is a few bytes short of a file...

Don't throw out that cat! Get me some pliers quick...

Waving the rubber chicken over the server. please wait...

This page brough to you by the Letter Q...

Come to Ralph's Wonder Lama Emporium....

+16  A: 

Don't panic...

To be written in large friendly letters.
I always imagined the large friendly letters to be Comic Sans...

Unpacking data package...


Reassembling atoms...

+4  A: 

Waiting for more electricity...

+177  A: 

Two animated gifs, one that runs twice as fast. A button that says 'Turbo Boost'. On click swap in the fast gif for a few seconds after which swap back and briefly display 'Turbo boost exhausted, click again to re-enable'. Reduce time enabled after each click.

Randomly introduce messages 'Are you sure this is helping?' and 'Must go faster, must go faster'.

making a game out of waiting is a great idea.
Definitely need an "Overheated!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfnzVm0StsU
This one is really original
ROFL, this was the funniest and +1 for the originality.
Rakesh Juyal
Nice!!! ----------------------
cool, this is really creative and original
Class, I'm very tempted to add such a thing to my sites.
The Strike Commander CD-Rom-Edition featured a Breakout-like game during the rather lengthy loading times the single-speed-CD-Rom drives of its time in which you had to keep a spinning cd from falling of the bottom of the screen using a red line as paddle, controlled by the mouse. You only had one cd, so when it dropped of the screen, you had nothing left to do during the loading time.

Chazz: Night is a very dark time for me Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, idiot! Chazz: Not for people who live in Alaska. Or people with night-vision goggles

Chazz: Personal philosophy: Clothing optional.

Chazz: It makes my hair shine like the Belt of Orion.

Chazz: My victory in Boston was as sweet as the cream pie from the city it's named after.

Chazz: They laughed at Louie Armstrong when he said he was going to the moon, and now he's laughing at them from up there.

+1  A: 

Press and hold your power button to improve your productivity.


Still there?

Yeah, I had a feeling you'd wanna do(click) this

Waiting for that butterfly in the Andes...

+5  A: 

Rewinding the DVD...

+2  A: 

"brb, need to pee"


Put the kettle on. It's going to take a minute.

+1  A: 

From Office Space: "PC Load Letter!? What the $#%& does that mean?"


I would like to program a loading screen that makes you believe that you have a killer behind you. Should of course use the webcam.

Daniel W
+1  A: 

Loading.......one sec .....hold on....... ..............a minute or two....... what are you doing?.......here comes

Saif Khan
+4  A: 
Ravaging drive C: ......... done.
Ravaging drive D: ......... done.
Federico Ramponi
  • Sometime your agony will be over ..

  • How much time do you have ...

+10  A: 
Federico Ramponi
well, not exactly suited for a 2 seconds pause...
Federico Ramponi
Your animated BSOD is a JPG...
+1  A: 

Dyslexics of the world untie!


say the alphabet backwards out loud to continue...

+3  A: 

Anno 1701 (a real time strategy game) has some funny messages:

  • Salting Sea Water
  • Hiding Treasures
  • Filling up Mountains
  • Creating Weather Forecast ....
They're rather specific to the game, though. Anno 1404 has some new ones, by the way.
+11  A: 

I would go with funny messages but I'd also have a lookup table somewhere in the manual for what stage they actually represent. That way when it crashes on "Initialising Giant Laser...", you know that it's actually reading in the file asdfx.dll.

You don't seriously have a file named asdfx, I hope...
It stands for Alternate Storage Disk Format eXecutable
Brilliant! That way the user even has to read the dummy message to you out loud, which will make both feel incredibly awkward! :)

Initialising Murphyonic Field...

Corrupting Files...

Burning out microchips...

Tangling Cables...


is that the time already?


"Keep smiling , we found your smiley face cute :) "


"Reading AUTOEXEC.BAT..."


"Preparing the Matrix"

Code Trawler
+2  A: 

"Time is relative.."

+1  A: 

"Lost my way to your desktop...Please Wait..."

Rajeshwaran S P
+11  A: 

"So, do you come here often?"

+1  A: 

The dilithium crystals are fading fast...

Aaron Palmer
+2  A: 

The MMORPG Everquest uses a bunch of these while the game loads up. A few favorites of mine are:

Warning. Half Elves are now 49.99999 Elf....

and this:

Hitting your keyboard won't make this faster....


Tsss You fancy a beer too?

+2  A: 
  • histone sequence acetylated
  • chromatin decondensed
  • pol II loaded
  • transcription commencing
  • transcription paused
  • transcription resumed
  • transcription completed
  • post transational editing
  • commencing intron splicing
  • completed messenger export
  • start codon recognized
  • translation and polypeptide synthesis commencing
  • stop codon detected
  • post-transational configuration
  • protein transport
  • enzymic reaction
  • product synthesis
  • product complete

Coffee time!

Minesweeper time!

User patience ending...

Burning your belly fat...

Connecting to BSA main server...

Making fun of you...

Feature unavalaible. Try again in 30 minutes.

Downloading the Internet... ERROR: puny disk detected.

Scanning the Internet for virus...

Watching TV...

Sending all your porn links to your mom...

Poking a hole in your pants...

Scanning Mars for life signals...


Trapped in "Loading..." factory, send help.

+20  A: 

Loading ... Please Wait Attentively (which is what you agreed to in the Terms and Conditions)

+9  A: 

"Creating Universe (this may take some time)"

(from a really old game on an Acorn called Star Commander or something like that)

Peter Mounce
Hehe, that reminded me of making world in FreeBSD :) http://www.freebsd.org/doc/en/books/handbook/makeworld.htmlAlways felt good doing that.
Reminds me of `Reality.sys corrupted. Reboot universe [y/n]?` :)
+8  A: 

From an old one:

Water detected on drive C:\, please wait. Spin dry commencing.

+1 for reminding me

Winding up the rubber band...

+4  A: 

Saw this on a stock webapp the other day

Shorting to afford data transmission


I used to use a DTP program (Caxton Press?) that displayed the following while zooming in...

Please wait while I explode...

Always made me chuckle...

+43  A: 

I'm up for a code-challange!

create table data
    word nvarchar(50) 
    ,type int

insert into data select 'recalibrating', 0
insert into data select 'excavating', 0
insert into data select 'finalizing', 0
insert into data select 'acquiring', 0
insert into data select 'locking', 0
insert into data select 'fueling', 0
insert into data select 'extracting', 0
insert into data select 'binding', 0

insert into data select 'flux', 1
insert into data select 'data', 1
insert into data select 'spline', 1
insert into data select 'storage', 1
insert into data select 'plasma', 1
insert into data select 'cache', 1
insert into data select 'laser', 1

insert into data select 'capacitor', 2
insert into data select 'conductor', 2
insert into data select 'assembler', 2
insert into data select 'disk', 2
insert into data select 'detector', 2
insert into data select 'post-processor', 2
insert into data select 'integrator', 2

select  top 1
    v.word as verb
    ,a.word as adjective
    ,n.word as noun
from    data v, data a, data n
where   v.type = 0
    and a.type = 1
    and n.type = 2
order by newid()
I wouldn't do that in SQL! (unless I have thousands of rows in each category)
let pick xs = fmap (xs !!) (randomRIO (0, length xs-1)) in mapM pick [ [ "recalibrating", "excavating", "finalizing" ], [ "flux", "data", "spline" ], [ "capacitor", "conductor", "assembler" ] ]
wasn't this something from BOFH?
it needs 'repolorizing'
+1  A: 

Please remove your shoes and belt. Place laptops in a single bin. Camera film will not be affected.

In an alternate dimension you're somebody important.

Screen full. Please shake vigorously.

Summoning the vorpal bunny...

+1  A: 

You might want to make some application-specific ones, like some of the MIT examples. For example, for an email application, you might want something like "Please wait while we scan all your emails into our computer", or the much more sinister "Please wait while we read through all your emails for credit card and social security numbers".

+1  A: 

How about:

Loading data.
Would you like a game of global thermonuclear war while you wait?


+5  A: 

Loading: one Mississippi Loading: two Mississippi Loading: three Mississippi

+5  A: 

"Waiting for magic to happen..."

But a serious question: is one or two seconds enough time to appreciate a funny message? In my highly subjective opinion, a too-short wait with a message that isn't obviously "loading, please wait" makes it look like you're popping up an important message and the user is missing it. I'm not suggesting you increase the wait time for the messages, though that could be an interesting thought experiment (what's better, two seconds+boring message or ten seconds+interesting message)

+5  A: 

"Please wait...time not important; only life important."

Fifth Element

+6  A: 

I have a game that gives you tips when loading; there are certainly tips that you could put, unless your application is extremely straightforward. GMail puts tips under the inbox, for example; I'd read them if it put them in the loading messages. Get two things done at once: don't make your users uselessly wait AND make sure they can get things done faster. Now that I think about it, there isn't a single program I can think of that has a loading screen that shouldn't have tips there.

+15  A: 

from XKCD:

Starting WiFi autoconfig...

searching for WiFi...

Found no open networks. Found secure net SSID "Lenhart Family"

Trying common passwords... Failed.

Checking for WEP Vulnerabilities...None found.

Connecting to Bluetooth phone... Calling local school... Found Lenhart children.

Notifying field agents. Children acquired.

Calling Lenhart parents.

Negotiating for WiFi password...


Replace Lenhart with the waiter's last name and you have a deal.
Cristián Romo
+5  A: 

On data-load: "Making stuff up. Please wait...".


"is this the way to amarillo?"



Give the users somewhere to enter their own 'funny' text - just make sure you vet them before making them live!

Or download some headlines from DIGG's API

Robin Bennett
"Vet" do not make sense here..But it would do in a sentence like "Vet du vad klockan är?" ;)
+31  A: 

"Program loaded. Please enter the square root of 598309209839 to continue."

"Press any key to continue" User presses a key. "NO! Not that key!"

++ for the second one.
I've always preferred something along the lines of "Enter any 11 digit prime to continue:"
773 504.499, I google everything.
+3  A: 

"Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated."

+2  A: 

Klingons on the starboard bow.

+1  A: 

Please, hold your breath and start praying.

Nelson Reis
+6  A: 

The internet is full... Please wait...

+1  A: 

"Just a sec, I need coffee, okay?" "Now where the hell's that kitty!?"

+1  A: 

There is the classic advent line:

"Go read a book while I get my act together".

Jon DellOro
+1  A: 

Could be worst... Hotlines make you pay for it.

+1  A: 

"Reticulating Splines" -the sims

+2  A: 

"Calculating meaning of life...."

Then at completion flash up 42.

+2  A: 

I once did something like this for the initial test version of an integration tool which would display its results in XML. The tool would take anywhere from 1 to 5 seconds or more (mostly depending on the speed of the database(s) being connected to) and I would display the following in the results field while the tool was processing:

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:SearchForDoubloons xmlns:Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirate"&gt;
      <FortuneSays>That special someone loves to see the light in your eye.</FortuneSays>

Each time it ran it would draw a different fortune from a list of real fortune cookie fortunes.

This was very well received by everyone, but removed once the tool "matured".

+1  A: 

What we have here... is a failure to communicate.

+2  A: 

Firing up the hyperspace quantum overdrive...

The Alpha Nerd
+16  A: 

World of goo has some of the best loading messages I've seen

testing ozone.

embiggening prototypes.

deterministically simulating the future.

testing for perfection.

Neil Aitken
"Placating Publishers" is my personal favorite.

Get the World of Goo demo, they do something like this while loading and some messages are really nice

+2  A: 

Insufficient disk space. Reformatting drive C: to allocate space...

Mike Hofer
+7  A: 

Display a random (or sequential per user session) sentence from your EULA - that'll teach'em to read it... uh.. ^^

Or build a database with tips and tricks that aren't related to the app but rather for helping the user be more successful as a person.

Did you know that...

  • exercise makes you smarter?
  • and so on..

...the modern inspirational posters equivalent - any geek will hate it, but most "normal" users will likely take to it a bit (they're hard to understand though, them users ;)

Oskar Duveborn
+2  A: 

Oops... I accidentally the whole system.

+8  A: 

The people responsible for the previous please wait messages have been sacked.

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

We apologize again for the fault in the messages. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.


Right - Freeze ray!



Adapting the application to your heart frequency

We know you like these, we're sorry they don't last enough.

We're sorry you aren't waiting enough.

Did you know we make you wait so you can see the ads?

Remember to take some food with you.

I'll be right back.

Sorry for the bad smell.

Andrea Ambu
Well, now that I see this, passages from "Still Alive" would make some decent loading messages. :D
+23  A: 

Loading completed. Press F13 to continue.

Press Any key to continue. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Any_Key
Eduardo León
I've had a keyboard with a F13.
Loren Pechtel
@Loren - I didn't say there weren't such. But they're relatively sparse nowadays, so I like to use this, and then get people to convince me otherwise ;-) (if I remember the model I had had quite a lot of those function keys, up to, I'm not sure now, F20 ?)
shift+F1 is actually F13...
@Algorias: on what system? That's not true on Windows boxen, no idea about any others.
Joe White
My Mac keyboard goes up to F19. I use it on my Windows boxen, but it doesn't recognize them, I think.
lol! for some strange reason i looked down on my keyboard! doh!
@LnDCobra - rofl :)))
+10  A: 

Maybe I'm a bit of a curmudgeon, but users can very quickly lose their sense of humour when a system isn't working as expected. So I'd be very careful and make sure you know who your users are before trying to do this in a real system.

+18  A: 

"We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked"

Oh, this is great :)
Monty Python is always a good idea!
Flávio Amieiro
+81  A: 

Sammyo's answer

Yes there really are magic elves with an abacus working frantically in here.

is the only way to be possibly funny every single time. You need ONE centralizing concept, like elves inside, and then you work with that.

This derives in:

  • Happy Elf and Sad Elf are talking about your data. Please wait.
  • All the relevant elves are on break. Please wait.

etc. etc. As long as there's one concept in there, the user will feel it's funny because they've "gotten it" and then you can go out on further and further tangents.

  • Elf down! We're cloning the elf that was supposed to get you the data. Please wait.
Heh, that's a nice concept.
I like that concept there
Andrew Marsh
+1 I like the **concept** idea, and deriving the variations from it
Really, it's also how to be funny in a room full of people.
+7  A: 

"I'm quite drunk, loading might take a little more time than the usual! Please be patient!"

Stop shouting already!

"Look behind you!"
"...tell me about your mother..."

+2  A: 

...main screen turn on

...we get signal


...what happen?


...How are you gentlemen !!

...All your base are belong to us.

...You are on the way to destruction.

...You have no chance to survive make your time.

...You know what you doing.

...Ha ha ha ha....

...Page was beginning...

+2  A: 
  • Loading Data
  • Verifying Data
    • Data checksum verified
    • Unpacking
    • Release the hounds
    • Data found in tree
  • Verifying User
    • Press any key
    • User is paying attention
    • User is sentient
    • User IQ > 80
    • or
    • User IQ < 80
    • Enable vegetable mode
Zan Lynx

Totally loaded. (I am, you are, but NOT this application...)

Peter Perháč

On one of the Formula1 team site http://www.forceindiaf1.com

Fuelling, Please Wait

+10  A: 

Not sure if this one's suggested:

Commencing infinite loop


Commencing infinite loop (this may take some time)

+2  A: 

"Bending the spoon..."

+3  A: 
  • Searching for the Any key...
  • Searching for answers...
  • Looking for exact change...
  • Giving it all of got...
  • It's around here somewhere...
  • Stretching first. I don't want to pull a muscle.
  • Paper or plastic?
  • Calculating the odds...
  • Look! Over there -> ->
Brent Baisley

Instead of this one:

Not panicking

+1  A: 

Please wait while the system allocates resources to show the loading screen...

+2  A: 

World Of Goo has some pretty funny loading statements. Here is some that came up when I loaded just then:

Image: World Of Goo Loading Screen

Simon Hartcher
+3  A: 

There's always the Unix fortune program

David Plumpton
+5  A: 

"Downloading the whole Internet. Please wait..."

+5  A: 
Testing RAM..............OK
Testing CPU..............OK
Testing Primary Disk.....OK
Testing USER IQ........................
Insulting your user is never a good idea.
Kevin van Zanten
Having users with lack of humour is also a sad thing :)
This is just insulting. Not humorous. Testing USER PATIENCE maybe

I've had the idea of giving user a simple game to play while loading. This has an added bonus that users who wait longer have more time and can thus score higher. And keeping a score would be a hilarious benchmarking of site loading times.

This site is a perfect example of what I had in mind.

Bloody hell! However much stuff are you loading if you can squeeze a quick game in there while it loads?!
What kind of game could you play during the 1-2 seconds specified in the question?
Joe White
1-2 seconds is not enough time to warrant such loader, but 20 seconds and more is enough for a bit of Arkanoid or fast shooter. :)

"We're working on making this page load faster"


"please wait while scanning your hard drive for movies .... "

lol .. tat will freak out some users :D

+6  A: 

Reading GoF, please wait...
Hello Clarice.
Good evening, Clarice.
I just ate your data with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Closer, please. Clo-ser...
I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here.
Stupidity isn't a virus... but it sure is spreadin' like one!
About your data... I lost it... in a volcano.

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry
Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups. -- Anonymous
"To go forward, you must backup."
"The more I C, the less I see."
"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."
"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"
"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"
"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."
"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."


Kevin Bomberry

Please wait... Your data is currently being probed by the CIA, NSA, Mossad, MI5 and Al Queada. Don't go anywhere.


Stop. Hammertime.

And now it's time for a breakdown.

Joe White
+1  A: 

What about this:

ramdomly select some funny dll name (UILoad.dll, PamperUser.dll, MagicMouse.dll, etc)

and display following messages:

PamperUser.dll got hotter than the normal range - temp above X degrees....

cooling down... please wait....



* EMERGENCY * - putting an ice bowl on the CPU could help...

+1  A: 

"Please wait, while going back in time..."

The malicious thing to then would be to stop the system clock or reset it to the start time on completion, so it would seem the operation took less time.

Avihu Turzion
  • Deleting "1984" by George Orwell
  • Deleting "Animal Farm" by George Orwell
  • Purchasing "New Kindle" by Jeff Bezos
  • Accessing "Mastercard Data" by Browser History
+1  A: 

You're the most lovely person on earth.

You're a great person.

What is your purpose in life?

Your life has meaning.

  • Cleaning your room
  • Dusting
  • Loading...
  • Still Loading (with an OK button activated that'll close the loading screen)
  • Starting Refrigerator
  • Doing your homework
  • Waiting....
  • Just hit that damn OK button, it's been there for a while now!!!
Matt S.
+1  A: 

"The Elders of the Internet are contemplating your request" "Yes, the elders of the Internet know who you are" "Yes, they also know everything you look at" "Yes, they do accept bribes"


"Setting us up the bomb. What you say?"

+1  A: 

prompt("Please enter pi");

+2  A: 

Please Wait...

Please Wait Some More...

You're Still Waiting, Right?

You still there?...


Oh there You are...

Still Waiting... huh

Dum dada dee dum dada...

Am bored, gonna look through your stuff.

hmmm, found Kernel32.dll

scanning kernel32.dll

kernel32.dll is useless. Deleting...

Ta Da... oh wait am not done yet.

Red Serpent
+1 for gonna look through your stuff, our client would panic :)
should add a "Ha! Just kidding!" after that deleting thing :p
+1  A: 

Please send towels .. LOTS and LOTS of TOWELS.

Tim Post

Quit Explorer and use Firefox!

5secs more.. Still you are here.. Time to change your service provider.

5secs more.. When did you upgrade your hardware last time?

5secs more.. Oh boy, you must be using the OS which was built a decade ago. Try Mac.

5secs more.. I have stopped loading, pls navigate to a site which is compatible with your speed!


Wait wait wait. I'm meant to DO something?!

The total Awsomness

Out of Cheese Error! Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly!

Kelly French
  • Loading ... go potty before you go potty
  • Loading ... haven't you anything better to do than to read absurdly long and boring messages
  • Loading ... do you like cricket
  • Loading ... the information superhighway appears to be gridlocked
  • Loading ... time for a coffee
Phillip Ngan

Actually Loading... Please wait.

this. __curious_geek
  • CPU on fire? please wait.
  • PC LOAD LETTER. please wait.

"Listening to the sound of the human nature"

Victor Hurdugaci
  • "Loading times too long? Karma for something you've done bad"
  • "Someone put some money in the meter, it's stopped again"
Jamie Keeling
+1  A: 

TIP OF THE DAY: Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

+4  A: 

99 bottles of beer on the wall

Changes to

99 bottles of beer

Changes to

Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall

Changes to

98 bottles of beer

And so on... Did someone already write this answer? With 9 pages already and too little time, I was too lazy to check.

Christian Madsen
If you want to see it for yourself, http://www.99-bottles-of-beer.net
Great. That eases implementation a lot :)
Christian Madsen
+6  A: 

I can't believe that in nine pages of answers, nobody has said

Please be patient. The program should finish loading in six to eight weeks.

Lord Torgamus
+2  A: 

Out Of Cheese Error! Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly

Kelly French

"Suggest putting time until completion to good use. Maybe learn to play the violin?"


How about some questions, like:

  • Do you know where the flies sleep?
  • Do pigs ever have a headache?
  • Why does a bidet not have a lid?
  • Do mice have colour-vision?
  • How many bytes is a petabyte?
  • What's the square root of 256?
+5  A: 

"Loading the Loading message.."

this. __curious_geek

Google might try this :

Search query initiated, scanning the whole internet for a match, might take a while........................

+2  A: 

Just a few ideas:

  • Loading the enchanted bunny...
  • Please wait while this nice progress bar fills to 100%...
  • Let me tell you a joke, two CPUs walk into a bar...
  • Greetings Earthling!
  • I know this is painful to watch, but I have to load this.
  • Go get a cup of coffee or something... (after a while) Did you get it yet!?
  • Go read a book, I'm nearly finished.
  • Oh, no! Loading time...
  • Really sorry, it needs work I know...
  • Buy more RAM...
  • Loading screen... If you can see this then it's already loaded.
  • Starting in 0...1...2...n...
  • Hello!!! Why did you click that button?!
  • Kicking Mort from Madagascar! Please wait...
  • Busing through the motherboard, will arrive soon...
  • Hello this is the CPU: The first core and the second core are working! What!? You got a third core...
+6  A: 

While you're waiting, how about a little riddle for you? scalar Navier-Stokes equation

Explanation to spoil the pun: This is the scalar Navier-Stokes equation, that is related to the Navier–Stokes existence and smoothness problem, which in turn is one of the Mathematics' Millenium Prize Problems.

The above mentioned 'riddle', however, is nonsense without further explanation.


Quakelive is over 9000


Are you still sure you wanted that feature instead of performance?



+3  A: 

That that exists exists in that that that that exists exists in.

I don't get it...
I do. +1.......Wherever you go, there you are.
Robert Harvey
+2  A: 

I would never put these in a public application for commercial usage (yet I find them funny)

"The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad ass enough dude to rescue the president?"

"So Sorry! I feel asleep! Continue?"

"You fool! You gave cheese to a lactose intolerant volcano god!"

"All your base are belong to us" (ha ha ha)

"Sorry, but our princess is in another castle!"

"I am Cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole"

"If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me. 'Cause I'm like a sex machine. "


"A Slime draws near! Command?"

"Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed."

Pinky: "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!"

"Utilizing satellite technology and these 2 clamps, we will redirect all global telephone communication into an endless voice mail system. And once a person is on the line, the array and amount of choices will render them occupied, busy, and unable to defend the earth for a full 72 hours - more than enough time for a well-prepared mouse to seize control of the planet."

"Come on little buddy, let's get that crazed surgeon to switch our heads back."

"I challenge you to a game of chess!"

"I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."

"It's today!" said Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh.

"Dear MacGyver, enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking straw, please save my dog."

"What's a cat doing up here?" "Probably asking that same question about four turtles!"

+2  A: 

Not exactly funny, but Stephen Fry’s iPhone/iPad app (‘Fry Paper’ — now that’s funny) presents this text:

Just clearing my throat...

when loading, which seems nicely in keeping with Stephen Fry’s persona.

Paul D. Waite
+1  A: 

Keyboard error. Hit F0 to continue.

Ben Gartner
Is the joke that any keyboard with an error must have an F0 key?
It's more like that it's impossible to do, I think.
F13 might be better. Only some keyboards have them :P
F13 was in my initial draft! Didn't make it past my editor though. :)
Ben Gartner
F13 exists on Mac keyboards. At least this one...

First time I saw anything like this was in the game World of Goo. Highly amusing but I'm still waiting on my first opportunity to use the idea.

Some cracking ones in here too :)

Daz Lewis
is this suppose to be a answer

Please wait..while we are going to make you an offer that you can't refuse

Huzi--- Javiator
+2  A: 

Are you bored? Me too.

Waiting for something in the server.

Have you considered another ISP?

I'm tired, please be patient.


Wait, me worry?


+5  A: 

Just use the BOFH excuse server: http://pages.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/bofhserver.pl

Nathan L Smith
Yeah, those were really funny; But what was asked for was loading statements - not "unknown error" replacements.But you'll get a +1 from me anyway ;)
+5  A: 

"Go get a coffee or something. This is going to take a while."


So what you had for break-fast? [After few seconds] That sounds great! [Just like Dora the explorer] ;)