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When I teach introductory computer science courses, I like to lighten the mood with some humor. Having a sense of fun about the material makes it less frustrating and more memorable, and it's even motivating if the joke requires some technical understanding to 'get it'!

I'll start off with a couple of my favorites:

Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

And the classic:

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

I'm always looking for more of these, and I can't think of a better group of people to ask. What are your best programmer/computer science/programming jokes?

+32  A: 

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that know binary & those that don't"

James Curran
There are 11 kinds of people in this world. Those that know binary, those that don't, and 9 subtypes of those who really don't care one way or the other.
gnud
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that know ternary, those that don't and those that think it's binary.
Even Mien
There are 1 kinds of people in this world, those who understand optimization. Everyone else is the default case.
ReaperUnreal
i have a tshirt like that
Hugo
What about the other 1000 people?
some
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that know binary and those that have girlfriends.
CodeFusionMobile
+161  A: 

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”

The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Galwegian
I laughed...then hated myself :)
Richie_W
"And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space, because that's exactly how much difference there is. :-)" -- Larry Wall
excellent observation, mamama
peterchen
Ohhh.... a *bit* off.
Mark
omg lol....i'm a bit off set myself XD
crosenblum
Two bytes meet; the first looks quizzically at the other and says "You're not looking quite like yourself today. Are you feeling okay?"(Leads++ into the punch line, ne c'est pas?)
Jim Dennis
+570  A: 

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Galwegian
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that was so funny!!! ++!
Filip Ekberg
Software is like sex: It's better when it's free. (Linus Torvalds)
Pascal Thivent
It ain't free when it comes with religion attached. I prefer my free software as free as a free beer.
peterchen
Like using tabs in makefiles.
mataap
Lessons Learnt the Hard Way
THEn
How does Linus know that free sex is better than sex you pay for?
Thomas
i wish it has version control system so it can rolled back lol
nightingale2k1
@pascal: ..but Linux is free only if your time has no value :-)
Jan Remunda
Some of us have to support other people's mistakes though ...
C. Ross
This is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. +1 for epicness.
Alex
Software is like sex: It's never REALLY free.
dtroy
I've never seen that "free beer" You guys talk about. _CITATION NEEDED._
Camilo Martin
Right, TANSTAAFL!
Vinz
@Jan I use GNU/Linux on my personal machine for many years and I don't have to reinstall it regularly because it becomes bloated unlike another poor OS, I don't get viruses, I don't need to reboot after fixes, Linux performs better, etc. It looks like my time is more precious than yours >:)
Pascal Thivent
@mataap: Like allowing tabs in Python. Our BDFL still hasn't quite recovered from that. And it doesn't look like Python 3 got rid of that mistake either.
Alan
@Pascal: These days my Windows install doesn't become bloated either. But I think it's mostly because I rarely ever use it anymore (other than to play games and submit my taxes -- btw: thanks, German government, for making that one exclusive to Windows).
Alan
@Alan Yeah, not using it is a good way to keep it clean :)
Pascal Thivent
+513  A: 

so this programmer goes out on a date with a hot chick

Kevin
hah. not the best way to motivate the students though =P
Claudiu
HAHAHA. Wonderful!
Patrik
thank you, I'll be here all day.
Kevin
i dont get the joke =(
Chii
Programmers don't go out with hot chicks....
Trap
Or to be more accurate, hot chicks don't go out with programmers.
Dour High Arch
Simply, the best one.
Juanma
I almost hit the "offensive" button there.
Hugo
<smug>They do, you know. She's downstairs watching TV.</smug>
Peter Wone
I have to take offense, my wife is smoking hot and I had to go on a date with her once.
DL Redden
I agree my girl is hot and we dated also before we started a more ...
fmsf
Why teh friggn hell are the best jokes so accurate.
sammyo
Haha! Priceless ;)
Israr Khan
You just got a gold badge for this!
Karl
I don't take offense. I just infirm it :P
Andrei Rinea
frigging downvoted. I go out on dates with hot chicks every week
Click Upvote
People like him are the ones who promote crazy stereotypes like this, and they're also the ones who make us programmers think that there's something 'wrong' with us and we can't date hot chicks. Wtf? The words' richest and most successful people were programmers, FYI.
Click Upvote
I'm a programmer, and I go out with plenty of hot chicks.
Josh Stodola
Click-upvote and Josh, good for you. I'm impressed that you found girls that were both hot and liked programmers with no sense of humor.
Kevin
Awesome comeback. +1 for that alone.
Beska
Chick upvote! Chick upvote! :))
mlvljr
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/article2439786.ece
Tim Matthews
Steve314
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shimmy
@Josh: He's not talking about KFC Zingers.
Craig Young
Haha @Kevin, the comeback was better than the initial joke!!
Pool
I actually tell my girlfriend programming jokes I read on stackoverflow...
danilo
@danilo:she has hot chicks?
Behrooz
What if the programmer is a hot chick?
c_maker
@c_maker then she'd be the holy grail
WarmWaffles
+44  A: 

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you would have to do is call the light-bulb-change method.

Steve Fallows
None: It's a hardware problem.
dalle
As someone else posted here - there are many flavors of this joke. Just depends who you want to take a poke at. :)
Steve Fallows
AMEN! I hate getters and setters!
moffdub
C++ doesn't have messages...
sebnow
@sebnow: terminology issue - member function/method calls are conceptually the same thing. Fixed.
Steve Fallows
@dalle But c++ is a low level language, it should interface directly with the hardware.
Joe D
+858  A: 

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, that's a hardware problem

Steven A. Lowe
I was in the computer lab, and another student couldn't get her mouse working. I asked her to check the cable. That fixed the problem. I asked why she didn't think of that, and she responded with, "I'm in software, That's a hardware problem". When jokes happen in real life, they are even more funny
Kibbee
I've also heard the punchline: None, they just change the standard to "Dark".
Schnapple
@Schnapple: that's the "how many microsoft programmers..." variant ;-)
Steven A. Lowe
One to cast it.
GenericTypeTea
And the corollary:Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, it'll be fixed in the drivers.
Not Sure
How many Managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they like to keep the devs in the dark...
Pondidum
Wait, there are light bulbs?
Mark Schultheiss
It takes three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
NealB
NealB: that's the Polish/blonde version, depending on whether you're culturally insensitive or just an anti-feminist bastard.
Roger Pate
And how many testers? None, they just report "it's dark"
schonarth
Reading this tread it seems like changing light bulbs is a common task...
MyGGaN
How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None,.. they can't fix shit
Senthil
+16  A: 

http://www.workjoke.com/programmers-jokes.html

http://www.jokes.net/shortprogrammerjokes.htm

I think these 2 links answer the question.

Daok
+174  A: 

Q: how many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

Steven A. Lowe
It's not a bug, it's a feature!
DOK
Just restart the computer if you want to reset it to black as well. Restart fixes everything.
corymathews
I heard a different version:A: None, Bill Gates just declared darkness to be the new standard
Asher
"Did you try to plug it off and on again?" /IT crowd/
Arnis L.
This question has already been answered http://blogs.msdn.com/ericlippert/archive/2003/10/28/53298.aspx
Mouk
hahaha!! Very nice!!
Bragboy
Better: they just make darkness(c) a standard
FUZxxl
Is darkness the blue screen of death?
The Elite Gentleman
+389  A: 
char*lie;

    double time, me= !0XFACE,

    not; int rested,   get, out;

    main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;{

        signed char lotte,


dear; (char)lotte--;

    for(get= !me;; not){

    1 -  out & out ;lie;{

    char lotte, my= dear,

    **let= !!me *!not+ ++die;

        (char*)(lie=


"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snot\n\0sed GEEK!");

    do {not= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;

    #define love (char*)lie -

    love 1s *!(not= atoi(let

    [get -me?

        (char)lotte-


(char)lotte: my- *love -

    'I'  -  *love -  'U' -

    'I'  -  (long)  - 4 - 'U' ])- !!

    (time  =out=  'a'));} while( my - dear

    && 'I'-1l  -get-  'a'); break;}}

        (char)*lie++;


(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;

    get *out* (short)ly   -0-'R'-  get- 'a'^rested;

    do {auto*eroticism,

    that; puts(*( out

        - 'c'

-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));}while(!"you're at it");


for (*((char*)&lotte)^=

    (char)lotte; (love ly) [(char)++lotte+

    !!0xBABE];){ if ('I' -lie[ 2 +(char)lotte]){ 'I'-1l ***die; }

    else{ if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **die[ 2 ])) *((char*)&lotte) -=

    '4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!


get; !out; (char)*lie  &  0xD0- !not) return!!

    (char)lotte;}


(char)lotte;

    do{ not* putchar(lie [out

    *!not* !!me +(char)lotte]);

    not; for(;!'a';);}while(

        love (char*)lie);{


register this; switch( (char)lie

    [(char)lotte] -1s *!out) {

    char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':

    *((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';

    this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;}}}

    get - !out;

    if (not--)

    goto hell;

        exit( (char)lotte);}

This entry is the Obfuscated C Contest for 1990, is a true classic. Ignoring that fact that it's a C program that actually compiles & runs, the source code is in the form of a hilarious conversation between a man & a woman.

James Curran
wow, that's impressive, what does the code do?
Jan Gressmann
http://www.ioccc.org/1990/westley.hint
Joeri Sebrechts
I don't know why, but I died a little after reading that code.
moffdub
thats very cute and creative!!! i love the occcc
Chii
I couldn't get it to compile! :-/
rascher
Brilliant! It uses the 's' suffix for integer constants, though, which probably means 'short', but gcc doesn't accept it. Apart from that, it compiles fine (and segfaults).
Thomas
according to the hint, replace 1s with just 1 and give it a positive integer as the first argument
BlackShift
I like the judges comment: This is a good counter-example to peoples' complaints that C doesn't have an "English-like" syntax.
Zitrax
That is absolutely amazing. And yes, s/1s/1/g and it compiles and runs correctly xDBrilliant. Many thanks for the links.
Groxx
" Also obviously, (char)lotte and (char*)lie are incompatible types..." :D:D:D:D
Kevin D.
"warning: eroticism unused in function main".
Vasily Korolev
Wow, the fact that that's acutally rather readable really speaks volumes about the processing capability of human mind...
Ilari Kajaste
This is awesome!
Andrejs Cainikovs
What does it do when run with a integer input?
phkahler
@phkahler Compile it using `gcc -o YourGirlFriend file.c` and run the resulting `YourGirlFriend` with an integer argument. You are gonna love it
Amarghosh
I used to know the guy who did this. Very nice, quiet guy. You'd never connect him with a star of the IOCCC.
David Thornley
That's amazing.
bcat
+6  A: 

There are 2 types of people.

Those who understand binary; those who don't; and the ones who understand ternary.

dove
What about those that understand binary AND ternary?
TM
this feels recursive
chakrit
In need of some Boolean operators.
Unniloct
I think this would be best saying "there are 2 types of people" then list those three"
thecoshman
@thecoshman nice one, that'd work better and will give it a spin.
dove
@dove oh do tell me how it goes down! </smug sense of satisfaction at being a bit of a sarcastic git>
thecoshman
+673  A: 

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

Robert Gamble
....It's true :(
TraumaPony
I don't get it. Sounds rational to me ;)
Kevin Fairchild
I'm not so sure...if they were designer clothes, he might have been able to sell them for more money. Besides, a bike sounds like exercise.
Beska
He's a CS student. He wouldn't KNOW they were designer clothes. Bikes are more efficient than walking. Less rolling resistance (except for REALLY round CS Students)
Atømix
trauma what's true about it??
hasen j
reminds me of the talking frog Joke
Bob The Janitor
John, that's just silly. She'd be nearly impossible to transport without the bike, plus now you have to feed her for the rest of her life, which makes it a substantial net loss.
CaptainAwesomePants
By dying before her (the sooner the better) you can limit your net loss.
User
All your base are belong to us!
Andrew Siemer
I guess it depends on the type of Bike. I might be more inclined to take the clothes...
Richard Clayton
Why the hell didn't he take her?!
@Senthil: *facepalm picture*
John
Am I the only one who noticed she didn't say he only had to have one thing?
eyelidlessness
Please describe this "anything"."you want" - well, mostly.
Mark Schultheiss
@User: If you don't factor in "loss of life" as a loss...
Geoff
Am I one of the few that saw the joke as the CS student not taking **her**?
Matt Joiner
@Anacrolix: No, everyone understood the joke. Please go win the Darwin Award.
Camilo Martin
Is she really beautiful?
Jronny
@Richard: kinky!
Bob Jarvis
pics or it didnt hapen
j_random_hacker
This joke was clearly meant to apply to an economist.
bmargulies
This took me so long to understand.
joshli
Did anyone consider the students might have been girls themselves?
Plumenator
By the extent of the discussion, I can tell this joke was posted on a programmers' forum.
Isaac Lubow
+9  A: 

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we can work around it in software.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we'll just put it in the manual.

How many technical authors does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the customer will figure it out.

Mark Baker
+35  A: 

There are no shortcuts in life, unless you right click and find one...

Gulzar
+368  A: 

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.

Roman Plášil
Not to be a humor pendant, but ... "those who know binary and those who get laid."Delivery is a huge part of humor :)
Ovid
I like Quiark's version better, personally.
Blorgbeard
Ovid's answer ++
num1
@Ovid, you understand binary, don't you? :)
Aaron Palmer
Ovid's answer ++
Cristian Ciupitu
I think I understand the original joke. People who don’t know binary have the kind of sex that can be recognized by some finite state automaton? (Sorry, I don’t get the "laid" reference at all.)
Jeffrey L Whitledge
So is the joke saying that a regular sex guy will actually understand 10 types (or whatever number it is) of people while a binary guy only sees 2 types of people?
Martin
The joke is saying that regular sex guy doesn't know binary (hint: 10 in base 2 == 2 in base 10).
thenduks
The joke is saying that those who understand binary have kinkier sex.
alastairs
What about those that understand Hex?
Valerion
I'm sure the original is simply: 'There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.'
Dalin Seivewright
Ovid's answer ++
DoctaJonez
Ovid's answer ++
Dmitri Nesteruk
Shorter version: those who use reg ex and those that have reg sex.
Gamecat
In modern chat clients, this joke would have to be followed by "SAD FACE".
Mike Burton
Actually, this is two separate jokes jumbled together, which rarely improves any of them.
Tor Haugen
I did not get it :-(
Avi
those who understand regular expressions and those who have regular sex.
Amarghosh
I prefer the optimized version:There are 1 kinds of people, those who understand binary, the rest are the default case.
ReaperUnreal
@Ovid Not to be an English pedant but what exactly is a "humor pendant"? Humor that you put on a chain and hang around your neck?
Andrew
As opposed to IRregular sex?
CodeFusionMobile
there are 10 types of people in the world. those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who confuse it with binary
vedang
The really funny thing about this one is everybody trying to explain it.
xpda
I want to forget how to understand binary... =)
Jronny
Personally I prefer the original version to Ovid's. You're expecting the tired old joke about confusing ten and two, and the sudden unexpected ending jolts you. For me, the stark ordinariness of "have regular sex" breaks the expected rhythm even more than "get laid", so it wins by a nose.
j_random_hacker
regular (recurring) or regular (traditional)?
dotjoe
I prefer this version: There are 10 times of people in the world, those who know binary, those who know ternary, those who know quaternary, ..., and those who know n-ary.
Alex
+180  A: 

Keyboard not found ... press F1 to continue

Gulzar
because back before hot swapping you couldn't just plug it in. you had to turn the power back off... hence no F1 could be hit 99% of the time this error happened.
J.J.
if ( ( tp.getAge() - tp.getAge( FIRST_COMPUTER ) ) > spec( USB ).getAge() ) funny = false;
_ande_turner_
compiler error, undefined variable tp, funny, FIRST_COMPUTER, USBlink error, could not find spec
CiNN
@TraumaPony : What if the keyboard is plugged in but the local controller is toast? Plug ANOTHER one and press F1?!
Andrei Rinea
A coworker had a similar issue in VS. "This operation is waiting for another process to finish...Press cancel to exit this process" And the Cancel button is greyed out :))
Fry
where's the "any key"!
Hugo
@j.j: Wrong, it has always been possible to hot swap a keyboard at any time (even on the first 4.77MHz IBM PC). (You might be thinking on the first generation of the PS/2 mouse interface, where you had to reboot to get the mouse working again after a reconnect)
some
In any case, it's still funny. If it said "Keyboard not found, plug a keyboard in and press F1 to continue" it wouldn't be funny.
Vinko Vrsalovic
@some — That isn't categorically true. I've used a number of computers which had USB keyboards, but for which "Legacy USB support" (i.e. USB support without first booting a USB-aware OS — this was several years ago) was turned off. On those systems, plugging in your keyboard did absolutely nothing; it wasn't possible to "CONTINUE", only to reboot. On the worst ones, it would give "KEYBOARD NOT FOUND" even if a USB keyboard *was* plugged in; you had to find a PS/2 keyboard to boot at all (and hopefully disable the keyboard warning in the BIOS first so it wouldn't happen again).
Ben Blank
+1359  A: 

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….

“Java.”

:-o

Galwegian
Pow! Right in the kisser!
Maxim
Haha, a new classic.
The Wicked Flea
bwahahahaha! love it!
Steven A. Lowe
I'm definitely using that one :)
Mike Akers
Its funny because its true.
Jason Jackson
Man, you made my day with this one! :)
ya23
I don't get it :-(
Orion Edwards
java is slow! (not true actually, but its funny tho!)
Chii
Took me a while as I'm running on Java :)
Goran
its not funny because its not true
Mark
that definetly got to be flagged as offensive :)
Frederic Morin
JIT pause gags could be a completely new genre.
Calum
Yes it is true, and you know it. You java-sympathizers.
psoul
Snake! Mongoose!
Spencer K
We like to pretend Java is slow because it gives us a reason to hate the language :-P
Dan
HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Made me laugh ;)
Israr Khan
OOOH SNAAAPPP!!! That was funny! :D
Filip Ekberg
true! it's cracking me lol
manetic
It's funny mostly because of the Java programmers whining about it.
finnw
But with the Jit... `)
Liran Orevi
should be modified to PHP which is 20times slower than Java
ivan_ivanovich_ivanoff
Downvote. Recent versions of Java are not slow. You C/C++ people will forever base your opinions on old versions of Java and its VM.
Ricket
Upvote to counter-act your lack of a sense of humor. :)
GMan
Most of this ones upvote's are probably because of Ricket's downvote.
Macha
Upvote for agreeing with TonyF. And also the 60 seconds it takes for Rational Clear Quest eclipse client to load...
Clay
There's lots of things why Java should be hated, but slowness isn't one of them. JVM rocks.
egaga
Java isn't that slow, comparing to other scripting language like Python or Ruby
ZelluX
It was funny... in last century maybe
lispmachine
@zellux - And I'm not slow compared to a really really fat kid...
SnOrfus
I was attending NEJUG meeting at Sun Microsystems in Burlington ,MAThey had a teller machine to check yourself inSome of us chose that while others were getting checked in manually by a person.The machine was so slow !!!!And we were all joking - its because that has been coded in java :)
RN
I thought that was a 2 in 1. 1 the JVM beeing considered slow...obvious for programmers, 2. Java...the hole in the ocean
George Profenza
Flag it .
Click Upvote
AWESOME. me likey
knittl
OMG! this is a great one~~
That would've been a great joke 10 yrs ago!
OscarRyz
PRRRRRRRRRROOOOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shimmy
Should be changed to Python or Ruby these days, but in any case, neither of those languages can make the joke as funny as Java.
MAK
1024 Votes at the time of my viewing - lol
Moshe
Was probably true with early versions of Java. Still, I guess it's funny even if I'm going to make it my main language ;)
James P.
I think most comments miss the point. It is the JVM startup that is (still) slow, especially in very public facing applets. They are working on it: http://blogs.sun.com/alanb/entry/is_the_jdk_losing_its
Yishai
Upvoting this while JBoss takes more than two minutes to startup, after Eclipse took more than one minute to start up :)
Agos
my fav hands down. LOL
TheDarkInI1978
It's absolute truth.I don't know why java guys like the language.
Behrooz
I'm a Java lover and I love this joke. It's soo stoopid but it makes me laugh everytime I hear it.
Cliff
1337 upvotes. Congrats!
Auguste
+28  A: 

The new (insert current fast processor, but when I heard it, the value was "cray") is so fast, it can execute an infinite loop in only 3 seconds.

thursdaysgeek
I think the modern equivalent is "Chuck Norris".
Peter
A good compiler will make it run in less ;)
Liran Orevi
@Peter, no, it's Skeet.
Jonathan C Dickinson
Peter, you mean "The new Cray is so fast it can execute Chuck Norris in only 3 seconds?"
Ölbaum
The new Chuck Norris is so fast, it can execute an infinite loop in only 3 seconds.
THEn
The new Cray is so fast, it can execute infinite Chuck Norrises in only 3 seconds.
Axarydax
+715  A: 

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

Mark Baker
Yes! I've been telling that joke for YEARS!
Electrons_Ahoy
Alternate punch line:The programmer said "Why don't we all get out of the car, get back in, and see if it runs?"
John at CashCommons
That punch line fits a related, but not the same, joke. The engine wasn't the issue, the brakes were.
akdom
Alternate punch line: "Let's close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and see if it repros?"
Windows programmer
Hilarious. FYI a spanner is a wrench
Mike Henry
Not always, sometimes a spanner is your boss or a colleague
Jeff Yates
ouch ffpf, bitter!
Shahin
@Mike: What's a wrench?
Adrian Pronk
@Adrian - It's the feeling of regret when you have to part with someone, as in "He knew then that this was the last time he would ever see her, and he felt an enormous spanner."
Daniel Earwicker
Haha that's exactly what I would have said!
Peter Forss
Earwicker, your comment is the funniest thing I've read so far on this page!
hatfinch
I am a programmer :D
Shishant
spanner is close to spammer :-)
dusoft
Is the punchline that the "bug" exists, and asking for a reproduction is unreasonable?
Andrew Grimm
+393  A: 

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

Adam Neal
Jesus saves, but only Buddha makes incremental backups
MrZebra
+1 for that comment
Bryan Anderson
Ahem - is it just me, or are the GOOD guys cheating?
Treb
Saving your work is cheating?
moffdub
No, not saving your work, but wasn't that lightning bolt rather suspicious? Especially given that God (the father of one of the contestants!) was right there at the scene? Means, motive, and opportunity!
Thomas Padron-McCarthy
He may save, but does he use version control?
Adam Jaskiewicz
Of course he does. Have you not heard of the Apocrypha?
Sam Kington
@Sam: I think the Apocrypha are more like commented-out code than version control. Maybe they're like Visual Source Safe.
MusiGenesis
+1 for MrZebra's comment :)
Dmitri Nesteruk
upvoted for MrZebra comment
Juan Zamudio
MrZebra FTW! :D
Arnis L.
...then Linus Torvalds comes in, and lectures all three of them for twenty minutes on how Git would have made everything better, and how stupid they are for not using it.
fenomas
But for every backup that Budda makes he makes a nonbackup.
Jeff O
I did a summer course in high school, just after grade 9, and during one of the first on-the-computer programming tests, the teachers purposely cut the power on the the whole room. One of the best lessons they could ever teach.
Neil
@NeilWell, that would certainly drive home the lesson.
Sukasa
@Neil, and it didn't affect anyone right, because they all had UPS's under their desks
Nathan Koop
I prefer "Jesus saves, everybody else takes full damage" :P
Thorarin
Jesus saves... Passes to Moses, SCORE!
Nikko
At risk of providing a serious response to a classic joke, this one's loosing a little edge these days. (1) Editors autosave these days (2) I've got a $40 UPS under my desk. Between those two innovations, I haven't lost a single character to a power outage in years -- despite having suffered several power outages on the job.
Frank Farmer
@Neil: Yes. The lesson was that non-journaled filesystems react really badly to sudden power outages. The next lesson was a hands-on workshop on file system repair, OS reinstallation and not telling the department chair about lesson 1.
Logan
+48  A: 

IT is a funny industry. Can you think of any other group of people that would make an acronym as an excuse to say sexy (SCSI) and have everyone mispronounce it as scuzzy.

Rontologist
The previous name for that interface was SASI. So scuzzy fits the already established style.
Darron
@Darron - I know, but that doesn't make a good joke. ;)
Rontologist
As a matter of fact, the IT industry has SECS -- the Semiconductor Equipment Communications Standard. We do pronounce it as it should, but must suffer the endless jokes.
TonJ
The solid state department at my uni used to be called "Solid State Experimental" (SSEX) until they changed their name to EXSS for some strange reason.
Markus
@Rontolgist A good joke shouldn't need to make such a hash of words like that.
thecoshman
+1291  A: 

It's not a bug...

cjm
I won't lie - it took me a second to get this one... :-)
It took me many more seconds :-) We call it "Maggiolino"
Federico Ramponi
Its not a bug, its a feature.
Brad Gilbert
No, it's a bug that's been mislabeled as a feature. ;)
Robert P
I've also seen /DEV/RX8 and /DEV/BMW driving around. I'm sure there are others along those lines.
Alan Hensel
Doesn't help that we call them "Beetles" in the UK :-)
andygeers
Do we? I call it a bug lol.
Richie_W
This isn't remotely funny.
Rayne
In Sweden that car is called a "bubbla" (bubble)
John Nilsson
This one instantly made my day, very funny!
Quintin Robinson
oh, it's a BUG... *blank stare*
PintSizedCat
I think that car's only called a "bug" in the USA....
Jimmy J
why is this the highest voted answer? I don't get, it's not really funny.
hasen j
For english speakers who doesn't know the 'popular' jargon is not easy to catch it (ie: not native people). It will help some text below the photo.
eKek0
I had a prof in college who drove a Renault Le Car with the plate "LA CDR". After I stopped sputtering, we became good friends... but I don't think many people in the real world got the joke.
RBerteig
aaaaahahahahaha
Joel Martinez
Wow. This one answer earned about the same as I've made with 200 answers (28 accepted) and many dozens of hours of work. Obviously I'm picking the wrong questions to answer!
Curt Sampson
@Rayne, is it locally funny?
Don Kirkby
Hahaha! Brad Gilbert, didn't Microsoft use that? "It's not a bug, it's a feature!" LOLFunny thing is... I've recently used that as an excuse and it actually worked!
baeltazor
I thought it was Volkswagen with Feature ? :)
nightingale2k1
Wait, you mean Americans call this car "bug"? How are other people supposed to get it?
hasen j
It's not only called "bug" in the USA. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volkswagen_Beetle#Names_for_the_Type_1
dbkk
That's not a joke.
Loadmaster
Link broken :( .
mnml
Its a bug thats been around so long its become a feature :)
You have to give this one a little credit: it's a classic. Seriously, it's been making the rounds for at least 15 years. It's practically an internet relic by now.
Frank Farmer
Its called a Bug in Australia, UK, etc its in the popular lexicon, putting text below just ruins the joke. If you don't get it you will after a single google search.
Anonymous Type
I used my last vote of the day for this one. But it was worth it. ^^
gablin
Rolled back to V 1 as image was not visible in other versions.
akjoshi
cjm
@cjm : Yes you are right, its due to some blocking. But still I would like to revert it to first version as same would be the case with many others too, a lot of websites are blocked in companies now a days.
akjoshi
@Rayne: Why do you lack a sense of humor. Please sudo apt-get install it now.
inspectorG4dget
This has one upvote for almost every reputation point that I have
inspectorG4dget
+600  A: 

Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

A: Inheritance

Claudio
LOL!!! thats a good one!!
Chii
Ha ha!! Thats true and good one +1
Shoban
haha +1 from me dude very funny
baeltazor
+1, dude this one's good
Need to grab someone else's private property.
fastcodejava
Just make sure it is not pure virtual
cory
I prefer multiple inheritance.
phkahler
for the c++ guys: become a friend to get the private fields
schoetbi
+2  A: 

Not a joke per se, but a supposedly true story full of WTFs.

Heard this told on This Week in Tech podcast (in all seriousness with no sarcasm) as a true story illustrating the awesome programming skills of Bill Gates.

A number of years ago Gates and some other major geek competed to see who's a better programmer. Their programming challenge was to draw circles. Gates used Basic. The other programmer used assembler.

Bloodboiler
Actually, it was several other top geeks. Each could choose their own development env. The assignment was to split the screen into four panels and display different things in each one. The assignment for three of the panels were text; the fourth panel had to have "circles of different sizes" (cont)
James Curran
Gates, using MS's lastest Basic offering at the time (QuickBasic or VB) won. Charles Petzold, using C, came in second. Other contestants used TurboPascal or C but didn't have a graphic lib with them. Charles used ".","o" and "O" as he's circles, so was able to do the entire thing in text mode.
James Curran
and this is funny why?
Aardvark
Poster kind of missed the point. The joke was that the questions were rigged to reflect the most recent enhancements to the language Gates was using.
Kevin
I would have used a compass.
Laykes
+44  A: 

A programmer to his friends (also programmers):

"I met a hot girl last night. I brought her home and we began kissing furiously. I sat her on the keyboard and ..."

"You've got a computer at home? What's the CPU?"

Martin Cote
Who here can honestly say they'd ask "What's the CPU?"? It's not 1993 anymore.
Dominic Bou-Samra
agreed, we'd be asking, "so what size is you monitor?"
Nathan Koop
I think nowadays you would ask "Mac or PC?"
ApoY2k
Way back when a programmer would be surprised by another programmer having a computer at home, neither Mac nor PC was constructed (and the CPU took half a room) ...
Rasmus Kaj
No it should be GPU! With new stuff like OpenCL its all the rage.
thyrgle
@ ApoY2k: One would think you'd already know, if you were talking to your friends...
Isaac Lubow
+8  A: 

Programming joke in Swedish: Det var två programmerare och en stack.

dalle
It's a word game, "There were two programmers and one stack" but could also mean "There were two programmers and one left". The word "stack" is Swedish for "left" (as in leave), "stack" (haystack), "stung" (bee sting).
dalle
My Swedish isn't so good but I believe this translates to "Two girls, one cup". I'm not getting the joke so let me just do a quick google to see what comes up and ... oh GOD! This is NOT funny!
Hobo Spider
+328  A: 

Here's one I came up with many, many, many years ago:

I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about it - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

*groan* horrible. Lol =)
Erik Forbes
Oh god, thats... oh god!
Ólafur Waage
I usually don't go for puns, but that is a good one.
Jim McKeeth
can someone explain it?
Seun Osewa
buff (v.) - to polish. a buffer is a polishing machine. The janitor couldn't allocate it because he couldn't find it because he forgot (i.e. memory error) :(
Jimmy
That's horrible. I can't believe I enjoyed it as much as I did. :)
Adam V
I want those 30 seconds of my life back!
alastairs
This is going into my collection. It will come in handy during those long car trips...
freespace
That was actually better than I thought it would be. Also, @alastairs, how in the world did it take you 30 seconds to read? :\
Unniloct
If anything like me, Alastairs spend most of the thirty seconds trying not to throw up :)
Binary Worrier
The best part is the commentary on the entry--we know it could never work since they're incompatible types.
jeffamaphone
lol that was a great joke not the best but it made me crack up
baeltazor
Please retire early
CodeFusionMobile
+127  A: 

Old C programmers don't die, they're just cast into void.

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

Vi, vi, vi - the editor of the beast.

Sherm Pendley
vi, vi, vi - the editor of the beast! yep.. that's right :) (ps: i love vi)
unkiwii
vi is a subset of evil
Matthew
and C# (or Java) programmers don't die either, they are garbage collected :)
Thomas Levesque
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Ferruccio
+1110  A: 

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Adam Neal
That one's so stupid it underflows and becomes awesome
Mike Akers
Awesome, never heard that one before.
robsoft
This one actually made me laugh out loud!
Fry
I'm up-voting this because it's a new one for me.
Barry Brown
That is now in my top ten list. Thanks for the laugh!
Rick
That joke is spectacular! I'm going to tell it as often as I think people will get it
rwmnau
@rwmnau: no, I think you should actually tell the joke.
MusiGenesis
I liked @Mike Akers' comment above as much as the joke itself!
Jon Schneider
@mike: underflow!! LOL
Mauricio Scheffer
That joke is so bad I have to give it an up-vote.
tpower
I'm pretty sure it's the first comment on this answer which is the actual joke.
Justice
Came here to post this one. You've won this time ;)
Logan Capaldo
As I look at this answer I see it has been upvoted 666 times. Fitting that it is a SQL joke!
objektivs
That's a good one! :D
Cshift3iLike
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?", "yes naturally".
Jonathan Swift
"Yes, naturally", said the first table. The other one left.
erikric
"Do you join both ways?"
Paul Williams
To which the one of the tables replies, "No, but you can enjoy the view!"
Ryan Hayes
left outer join?
Behrooz
I really like this one
Phil
+228  A: 

I like to believe that I invented (or more likely independently discovered) this joke.

Q: Why don't jokes work in octal?

A: Because 7 10 11.

Matt Ellis
Hahahaha, that took me a minute!
The Wicked Flea
The best part about this joke is I haven't been able to figure out a good way to tell it verbally.
Matt Ellis
That would be a problem, but I told it to my dad who's a long time techie and he got it. (Though, anyone who can do math in another base can figure it out, given enough time.)
The Wicked Flea
Darn. I don't get it yet. Should I be reading it "Because seven eight nine?" "seven ate nine?"
Corey Trager
This is one of those great jokes, but it just makes you sigh.
moffdub
Should... should somebody explain it to Corey? o.O
Erik Forbes
i don't get it either
CiNN
what is 10 in octal? figure that out and you will get it.
corymathews
I'll have mercy on Corey and CiNN. It's a play on the old "why is six afraid of seven? because 7 8 9" joke. The joke doesn't work in octal (base 8) because the next number after 7 in octal is 10. Thus "7 8 9" becomes "7 10 11" and the pun is lost.
Nathan Strong
Let the record show that I figured it out on my own, as evidenced by me having written "seven ate nine". It's just that I thought, "That couldn't be it, could it? It couldn't be THAT lame, could it?". It could and is. The beauty of Matt's joke is that its prerequisite is a lame pre-school joke
Corey Trager
Could the first line be better as "Why isn't 6 afraid of octal?" to better reference the original joke? Seems to me the "Oct 31 == Dec 25" joke worked beautifully in octal ;)
Shabbyrobe
+1 for Shabbyrobe's refactor!
TrickyNixon
The other explanation I came up with is: 7 ate 9 in octal mean 7 10 11 and 11 is the joker in card's pack. So, jokes dont work in octal ... (I know this is a bad one)...
Jagmal
Just read the numbers to tell it out loud. "Because seven one zero one one". Or even "because oh seven, one oh, one one."
jmucchiello
Why is 8 afraid of hex? Because 9 A B... hmm maybe not
FryGuy
+1 for Shabbyrobe's refactor
Jonta
This joke only works when presented in written form. You can't tell it well verbally.
Bryson
I used to tell this joke in German. Warum fochtet sechs nach sieben? Weil sieben acht neun!
KitsuneYMG
@Kal I think it could be told if you said "Because seven one-zero one-one"
Brian
@Shabbyrobe you mean Oct 21 == Dec 25 in octal?
blesh
@Shabbyrobe unless you mean Oct 25 and Dec 31?
blesh
I guess this could have been written on the 20th of Dec instead of the 24th Oct
tobsen
Somebody is an "id 10 t"
OutputLogic
+821  A: 

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

Gulzar
Incredibly funny! :)))))))
Andrei Rinea
Yup. The original was funny and this version is funnier.
Windows programmer
I maintain that the original was funnier.
num1
Not really relevant to programming - work for so many other characters.
DJClayworth
very very good and smart ;) thank you
frameworkninja
Love this one too.... LOL +1
Nahom Tijnam
not programming related, but good nonetheless
thomasrutter
Mountains on the way to Wichita?
Michael Myers
freaking awesome! :-)
Galilyou
Is grandma counting stitches or something? this is where the joke falls apart.
dlamblin
agree with DJClayworth, not really a programming joke.
Richard Clayton
@mmyers Programmers most likely source is California. You have to go through the Rockies to get to Kansas from California.
Instantsoup
It is too programmer-related: "How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl"? Obviously a programmer.
Jared Updike
Awesome...........
Shishant
As Wichita Falls so falls Wichita Falls
espais
lol Wow... The first time I read this joke it was in a 1980's readers digest and it was about a Russian and American Soldier. Time flies:)
Oorang
@Oorang: so, was it your guy kicking ours while kissing a Vietnamese beauty in the jungle darkness, or what? ::))
mlvljr
@mlvljr I dug up a version of it here: http://archive.thehumorlist.com/Site1/Digests/H9403110.php#Joke28 But for this version it's a Polish and Russian soldier. Not very PC of course.
Oorang
@Oorange And less sexy :)
mlvljr
That was awesome mastery of concurrency! :)
Fdr
The last paragraph sort of follows from the preveous ones, by logical deduction.
Andreas Rejbrand
The joke can be refactored by placing the two men opposite each other with the girl next to the programmer, and eliminating the grandmother and the actual kiss, as follows:Emerging from the tunnel, the manager is holding his cheek in pain. The girl thinks "The guy tried to kiss me, but accidentally kissed this guy next to me, who slapped him." The manager thinks "That geek kissed her, but she thought it was me and slapped me." And the programmer thinks "Can't wait till the next tunnel so I can kiss the back of my hand and slap him again!"
Paul Richter
+1605  A: 

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Gulzar
I was going to add that one, but I was too lazy to type it all out...
James Curran
laughing my ass off
Mike Akers
I've heard a variant of this one where the balloonist assumes he's in Redmond based on the uselessness of the response.
rmeador
The variant I heard had the balloonist floating through thick fog. Then a office building looms out of the mist. In the office, one man is working late, typing away on a computer. The balloonist calls out to him...
Anthony
I also only knew the shorter Redmond variant until now. This one's much better :)
OregonGhost
this is one version of the old microsoft joke..http://alunthomasevans.blogspot.com/2007/10/old-microsoft-joke.html
Gulzar
"And you got there just by hot air..."
Andre Bossard
I loved this one so much I had it as my signature for a while! A little too long for a signature, yes, I know.
matt_dev
This one is good!
Endlessdeath
Love it! Cant stop laughing!
Nahom Tijnam
A philosopher walks past, wonders what field they're talking about, and resumes pondering the nature of "up".
Groxx
Fav'ed this question for this one joke ALONE! Damn good one!
maksymko
Hey, someone finally beat the "feature" answer!
gnovice
I still have my printout of this joke from a magazine back in the 90s! Love it.
eduncan911
Very Very Very True...This depicts real time scenario going on in I.T. Industry
Rachel
So true and so good..
crosenblum
This one is going to get 1337 votes! I wonder if something happens then...
bddckr
Nice reply...!!!
Bragboy
Why does the IT guy assume that the spy doesn't know where he's going?
intuited
The best way to up your rating on SO: Take up an old joke, remove some originals, add geeky new characters, post it here. It's anybody's guess why software re-engineering is in so much demand these days. :D
Anchit
+96  A: 

Nothing seems hard to the people who don't know what they're talking about.

RoadWarrior
that's more tragic than fun
Hugo
And nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it themselves...
Yuval
+9  A: 

A depressed programmer hung himself on a binary tree...

Dima
+5  A: 

[Referring to a developer who's being very combative or anti-social]

In Klingon culture, your behavior would be considered the early stages of a mating ritual.

RoadWarrior
+212  A: 

Female software engineers become sexually irresistible at the age of consent, and remain that way until about thirty minutes after clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

[Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert]

RoadWarrior
so wrong. .... but so funny.
J.J.
Not nice. Are you trying to alienate the few remaining girl geeks?
Anthony
I suspect they have thicker skin than that.
That is ... horrific.
aaaidan
Java PHP - Have you ever taken a programming class with any women? It is embarrassing how many of the men drool uncontrollably and I'm sure it is quite uncomfortable for most of the women.
Mark Brittingham
Necrofeelingya....nasty +1
dotjoe
I don't get it at all
hasen j
+1 for Scott Adams
Bob The Janitor
@Mark: I have, and the unfortunate reputation that many male CS majors got for being unkempt quickly crossed the gender boundary. There was definitely no drooling.
SnOrfus
IMO it's a clear, straightforward expression of a fact. One might not like to hear it, but that doesn#t make it less true.
peterchen
@Mark Brittingham It's quite the opposite - the men are all to introverted to gawk. If there are women, they're the ones drooling, at the opportunity to make new female programmer friends. (1/30 m:f ratios)
rlb.usa
@rlb - good point!
Mark Brittingham
@rlb.usa so true. :D
Dian
+6  A: 

Programming in C is like fast dancing on a newly-waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.

RoadWarrior
C combines the power of assembly with the flexibility of assembly.
Guge
Not to mention the code-readability and user-friendliness of assembly.
Mason Wheeler
+7  A: 

Error message:

Your mouse has moved. The system must reboot to effect the change!

Ken Paul
Or in vista's case: "The mouse has moved. Cancel or Allow?"
LiraNuna
+32  A: 

Program, noun: A magic spell cast upon a computer to enable it to turn input into error messages.

RoadWarrior
I don't get this one...
crosenblum
+117  A: 

If Java is the answer, it must have been a really verbose question.

RoadWarrior
The question was "What would a vaguely adequate language look like?"
Daniel Earwicker
plus one for the comment by Earwicker.
James Brooks
Yes, thinking of Java as an adequate language is quite a good joke, Earwicker. ;)
Eddie Parker
+708  A: 

When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

RoadWarrior
Hmm. You seem to be posting my entire email signature file. :-)
T.E.D.
I've only just started. See my latest batch :-)
RoadWarrior
Java Caps is a similar hammer
Vinnie
Now that's funny!
Kevin Babcock
Great one! Made me laugh out loud ;-)
ChristopheD
Jeah.. just BASH it ;-)
MiRAGe
I think I've heard this one from Bjarne Stroustrup himself!
Karl
I wish I could vote twice for this
slf
C++: an octopus formed by nailing extra legs to a dog
HS
Adapted from Mark Twain, of course: "To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
therefromhere
Gold. Also, at least 15 characters are required.
j_random_hacker
also works for C
Jus12
ARM programmers have 16 bit wide Thumb, maybe they can C better?
Tony Veijalainen
I heard the same about lisp
dfens
+18  A: 

If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when was the last time you needed one?

RoadWarrior
James Curran
class a{virtual ~a()=0;};class b:protected virtual a{};
dalle
James, it is a pure virtual private destructor that is inherited from a protected abstract virtual base.
RoadWarrior
RoadWarrior
Is it funny or sad that people are actually *analyzing* this?
Graeme Perrow
It's funny that they're analyzing it. It's sad that C++ needs them to.
Robert Rossney
+74  A: 

Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

RoadWarrior
This not a joke... It's the truth.
Dima
Then you end up supporting it...
Schalk Versteeg
ditto! so true and so sad....until managers delegate the creation of problems.
crosenblum
I just made a big one.What is the next instruction?
Behrooz
+546  A: 

Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Yes.

spelchec
ahahahahah, this might just become my favorite.
aib
I love that joke, but sadly I can't tell it to anyone. And for the record, my punchline is 'No' :)
Ovid
Much better than the standard variant :D
OregonGhost
I don't get it :P
Ace
explain :( *doesnt know prolog --->
zxcv
either you know Prolog or you won't get the joke. Good opportunity to just start learning it anyway! And the joke is hilarious. I have made a Prologism the headline of my Blog, too.
Aleksandar Dimitrov
Basically, Prolog doesn't have functions, it has predicates, which only return Yes or No. It's a little (a lot) more complicated than that, but that's the butt of this joke.
configurator
lol - this is the first one that really made me burst out laughing!
Paul Ivanov
If you use Aprolog, the answer becomes Maybe.
Jason Baker
Years of bitter experience with Prolog have lead me to conclude that the more appropriate punchline is "No."
hatfinch
I thought it was a hardware problem.
Jeff O
In Prolog programming (in contrast perhaps to life in general) ourgoal is to fail as quickly as possible. - The Art of Prolog/MIT Press
Ville Laurikari
This rules! And I'm with Ovid, I can't tell anyone...even at work. Unless perhaps they can get Prolog to run under the CLR?
hometoast
Made me laugh hard.
Bruno
+2  A: 

A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?"

Brent Rockwood
Redundant jokes is not a problem
Goran
Redundant jokes is not a problem
Chaim Chaikin
+182  A: 
Dour High Arch
...thus the student was enlightened.
T.E.D.
I think I'm enlightened now.
Julien Grenier
If it was a lightbulb joke I'd be enlightend.
sammyo
I think I've been endarkened.
Peter Wone
This is one of my favorites. I quote it often!
Brian Postow
The AIKoans link is now broken.
RMorrisey
Thanks for the note; fixed.
Dour High Arch
It's a reference to Tom Knight, he designed and implemented the prototype lisp machine CPU.
Russ C
+243  A: 

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.

Dima
Well, I'd rather keep an empty glass than risk a NullPointerException.
dbkk
... whereas sysadmin puts **two** full glasses and **two** empty ones. Why's the second pair? That's a hot backup.
ADEpt
yeah, why make special cases.
Hugo
he never heard of else{return 0;}?
mike nvck
Should be else{/*MISRA 60*/}
Adam Davis
excellent joke :)
unkiwii
A good programmer should consider [GlassNotFound](http://thedailywtf.com/Articles/What_Is_Truth_0x3f_.aspx)
Pumbaa80
+16  A: 

my cd-rom driver became corrupted and windows could no longer recognize/find my cd-rom drive. so the error message i got was "please insert Windows CD"

at first i thought it was a joke...

Steven A. Lowe
Just like the BIOS message, press F1 to continue when you don't plug it in.
Osama ALASSIRY
So plug in a keyboard and press F1.
sli
+40  A: 

JIT Happens! :)

AdamBT
...Omg... really?
icco
@icco:yes, it happened a few milisecs ago.
Behrooz
+9  A: 

A computer programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable key punching, an infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micro-metric precision from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive sources and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.

RoadWarrior
+10  A: 

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what they're doing until it's too late.

RoadWarrior
+252  A: 

Joke: A novice programmer was explained the meaning of RTFM. He showed up the next day saying: "So I went out and bought the Kama Sutra. Now what?"

Meta-joke: If you tell the joke above to a non-programmer, he will ask: "What's RTFM?" A programmer will ask: "What's Kama Sutra?"

Meta-meta-joke: If instead of laughing in response in the meta-joke above you have asked "I knew both, now who am I", then you are probably a programmer over the age of 30, who has realized the value of social skills, and who may even be married, but who is still an uber-geek who takes things way too literally.

If you have asked "I googled both, now who am I", then you are probably a high-school kid who reads stackoverflow and takes things way too literally, but who had not yet known about RTFM or Kama Sutra. Congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming an uber-geek. Please try to acquire some social skills along the way. You may not think so now, but they do come in handy.

Dima
Dear God, that is awesome.
@hasen j if we have to explain it, your too young
Bob The Janitor
lol, I googled Kama Sutra
hasen j
@hasen j: Me too. Now I wish I hadn't.
Michael Myers
I knew both, now who am I? :-O
sundar
I image googled it. damn, you could make some advice.
Behrooz
I finally got it. I didn't even stop to think that some people actually need a manual..lol.
CodeFusionMobile
+1 for having a Meta-joke!
Dubs
I googled both, now who am I?
wrongusername
OK - Best one so far
HDave
Great stuff here. But I'm under 30...hmmm.
The Mirage
+3  A: 

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.

RoadWarrior
+23  A: 

A J2EE architect, a dotNET guru, and a COBOL programmer walk into a bar. The barkeeper does a double-take and says... what is this, some kind of joke?

Michael Easter
I was thinking the same thing while reading this...
amischiefr
i dont get it ...
Joe Hopfgartner
HAHA LOL, that is so funny xD
Joe Hopfgartner
I don't get it either.
Biosci3c
+13  A: 

Computer Science [noun]: A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter.

RoadWarrior
+32  A: 

For a study in problem solving, a programmer and a mathematician are each put into test kitchens and asked to boil water. At the start of the study, each grabs a pencil and start scribbling notes furiously, covering the walls and counters with UML diagrams, heat exchange equations, proofs of completeness and so on. After several hours of sweat, each picks up a pot, fills it with water at the sink, puts it on the stove, turns on the burner and waits.

Then the kitchens are cleaned out and they're given the same task, except this time the pot already has water in it and is sitting on the stove. The programmer grabs his pencil and starts drawing out class hierachies, designs a metalanguage with a LALR parser, and continues covering the kitchen with notes. Finally the programmer turns on the burner and waits.

The mathematician stares at the pot for a few minutes, picks it up and dumps it out and writes on the counter, "reduced to a problem already solved."

plinth
The second paragraph is a little off, but the final punchline is so incredibly true....
akdom
Heh, that's a good one.
Jonta
Reduced to a problem already solved! Hahaha!!!
Eduardo León
Change to NP Complete
amischiefr
Theoretical computer scientists do this too (;
Precision
+3  A: 

The company secretary took out one of the programmers for a drink, so they walked into a bar. You would have thought that one of them would have seen it!

The Wicked Flea
+126  A: 

Two threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, "hey, I want don't any conditions race like time last!"

Michael Easter
This great is one! ;)
Nelson Reis
I was thinking, "Man, your grammar is totally off."...Silly me. :) Nice one.
Eddie Parker
Is it strange that I read that sentence as exactly as it should be and didn't notice the lack of grammar till I read the comments?
Stephan
You're not the only one Stephan.
Wallacoloo
strange doesn't even begin to describe you.
Anonymous Type
+20  A: 

If JavaScript is like walking alone late at night through a bad part of town with a pocket full of $20 bills, then ActiveX is like dropping your trousers in the middle of a maximum-security prison yard, bending over, and yelling "Come and get it, boys!"

RoadWarrior
+6  A: 

Yosefk did three great ones a while back on his blog. This one's my favorite:

When I tell it, I usually introduce it with "This joke's about programming, but it's also about a plumber"

An airplane lands, and passengers come out. One of them notices a guy underneath the airplane. As you’d guess, the guy is a plumber. The plumber touches some lock, and immediately gets covered by excrement streaming from an opening at the bottom of the plane.

The next scene should really be a small piece of pantomime, but I’ll have to get by with words alone. He slowly sweeps his right hand over his left arm, then the left hand over the right arm, and shakes his hands. The Passenger exclaims...

Passenger (appalled): What on Earth makes you keep this job?

Plumber (proudly): Hey, I’m in the aerospace business!

Ryan
Another version of that joke has the punchline, "What, and give up show business?"
Robert Rossney
+4  A: 

Two Hibernate POJOs walk into a bar. On the dance floor, in plain sight, they start to merge. The bouncer walks over and shouts "Hey, yooz two... get a persistent context!".

Michael Easter
+23  A: 

When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.

RoadWarrior
+479  A: 

The fantastic element that explains the appeal of games to many developers is neither the fire-breathing monsters nor the milky-skinned, semi-clad sirens; it is the experience of carrying out a task from start to finish without any change in the user requirements.

RoadWarrior
I think this is the first time I've read a great joke that makes me want to cry.
Ovid
The poster has obviously not worked in the game industry...
Dour High Arch
It's talking about playing games, in which you are usually given a task (kill X) and then do it and the task can't change. Not developing games which is probably one of the hardest programming fields out there.
p5ycho_p3nguin
Unfortunately, some games have reached the point where they mimic life ... so while you are off saving the siren from the fire-breathing monster, your quest fails because you forgot to use the correct sword, even though it wasn't mentioned in the specs.
Dave DuPlantis
What about when you find out the princess is in another castle?
Jeffrey L Whitledge
Or that she was the demon you killed three levels back?
alastairs
The Poster has obviously never played the first part of Deus Ex. Or the second, for that matter.
Aleksandar Dimitrov
Stop passing judgment on what you believe the poster has or has not done. It's a joke, not a summation of his life experiences.
titaniumdecoy
+1 - same as Ovid.
Asaf R
@titaniumdecoy: it's not judgement on the poster, it's a remark about Deus Ex, and it's actually quite accurate. Your "user requirements" change quite regularly as you play through the game. That said, I love the root joke here, especially as my last summer was FULL of changes to requirements. I learned to program flexible code quite quickly.
Groxx
Oh, 3D Realms (the makers of Duke Nukem) are disagreeing with you.
Artem Russakovskii
Note: does not apply to MMOs.
Hooray Im Helping
+14  A: 

Every developer starts out by being Optimistic. Optimistic programmers assume that system calls will always succeed, there is always enough memory and disk space, and there really is a Santa Claus.

RoadWarrior
+1  A: 

I'm not sure that the ability to create UML diagrams similar to pretzels with mad cow disease is actually a marketable skill.

RoadWarrior
+3  A: 

Some days the StackOverflow membership sounds just like a flock of ducks trying to out-honk a Mack truck, but getting cut short tragically as they all fly into the front grill.

RoadWarrior
+2  A: 

As a programmer of business applications, I live with the fear and knowledge that dark things are going on in the plumbing of components and libraries and systems - like so many strange subterranean slaves toiling in the bowels, secretly PUSHing and POPing and MOVing in registers.

RoadWarrior
+116  A: 

OK. Here's one I actually wrote myself about 15 years ago. It's archived online at Adapower. Be gentle:

////////////////////////////

I run across these lists everywhere. Unfortunately, they all seem to have been done by some brain-damaged soul who thinks C is a "normal" language. So I have made an attempt to come up with a new list that is a little more accurate, at least where I sit.

Ada : You aim at your foot and pull the trigger, but the safety stops the gun from firing. The safety won't budge until you tag your foot with a sign reading "Bullet Hole in this foot", and call the paramedics. You do so, then shoot yourself in the foot.

C : The gun comes in 38 pieces, with a set of assembly instructions. After painstakingly assembling the pieces, you pull the trigger and the gun promptly backfires and blows your head off.

Assembly : The same as C, except you have to hand-machine all the pieces as well. When you pull the trigger, your whole house explodes.

Java: You break into someone else's home and steal their water pistol. You then make a child gun that uses .38 rounds instead of water. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, nothing happens to you, but everyone who visits your house gets shot in the foot.

Basic : You aim the gun at a straight horizontal and pull the trigger, which causes a stream of water to be squirted straight down onto your foot.

Perl : You aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger. There is no explosion, but gravity causes the bullet to slide out of the barrel and bounce off your foot.

Lisp : You do a small part of the remaining work involved in shooting yourself in the foot. You then call yourself, and tell yourself to shoot yourself in the foot.

Pascal : The same as Ada, except when you pull the trigger a little sign pops out reading "BANG!".

C++ : The same as Java, except you try to build the parent water pistol using the gun tools from the C gun. When you pull the trigger on the child gun, the parent C gun explodes, spraying water everywhere, including the chamber of the child gun. This causes the child gun to backfire, blowing your head off.

Visual C++ : The same as C++, except that the bullets, the gun parts, the tools you use to put it together, the hospital you get taken to afterwards, and the ambulance that takes you there are all owned by the same company.

APL : Whenever you pull the trigger, no matter where you aim the gun, the bullet ricochets off of 13 objects and lodges in your foot. The gun has been examined by ballistics experts, mechanical engineers, and even the person who made it, and none of them can figure out how it works.

FORTRAN : When you aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger, a table indexing error causes the gun to shoot its firing pin into your foot instead of the bullet.


In the year since I posted this, the comments have grown to the point where I think they are as valuable as my original answer. Currently there are comments proposing entries for the following languages:

  • Actionscript
  • Applescript
  • Bash
  • C# (2)
  • Erlang
  • INTERCAL
  • Java script
  • Objective-C / Smalltalk
  • PHP
  • Python (5)
  • Ruby
  • SQL
  • TCL
  • Visual Basic

There are also two alternate entries for Perl, and one for C++

T.E.D.
Python: The gun, the bullets, and your feet are *awesome*.
Robert Rossney
Python: the bullet gets into your foot without requiring a gun.
Jimmy
Python: Someone else shoots you in the foot. You just need to ask for it.
Ólafur Waage
Python: There is only one type of gun, it is gold plated, very comfortable to hold, and has instructions engraved on it, but for some reason when you pull the trigger it acts exactly like the C gun.
akdom
So, um, how did you write this list 15 years ago when Java was only released 13 years ago? ;)
Ovid
Pearl must be similar to perl ;)
gbarry
Applescript: Put the bullet of the gun of me into the foot of the leg of me.
Dour High Arch
Java script: Half the folks who try to fire the gun find that the bullets (code) and universe (browser) are incompatible. The other half can not figure out how to scope the bullets into barrel (closures) so turn the gun around and club themselves.
questzen
Wow. Never had this many comments before.As many have noted, Python wasn't exactly on my radar at the time. I still don't really know much about it, but for sheer humor I like akdom's comment best.Gbarry: Good catch on a 12-13 year old typo
T.E.D.
Ovid - All I really remembered for sure was it was more than 10 years old, and less than 20. It appears you found a better upper bound on it's age. Good catch.
T.E.D.
Erlang : you can use 100 guns to shoot one hole in your foot (it's faster, and if some guns fail you still get the hole).
Osama ALASSIRY
Solid Gold. my fav - Visual C++. I wish I could explain these to my (non-coder) wife.
CAD bloke
@CAD bloke - I read it to my wife. I got to LISP before she took her clothes off to make me stop reading.
Guge
INTERCAL: you assemble the gun following obscure instructions in twelve different languages, which you half understand. You end up with the gun pieces and bullets sticking out of a wooden club. You hit yourself in the head, a dozen clowns appear and take turns shooting yourself in the foot. :-)
Python: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet misses and gets lost somewhere amidst all the whitespace in between your toes.
Mason Wheeler
Visual Basic: You shoot yourself in the foot. Your foot get's infected with gangrene and has to be amputated. You suffer a heart attack from blood loss, and spend the rest of your life eating through a straw.
Mike Robinson
Perl: You shoot yourself in the foot but you can't find the gun!
Schwern
Perl: There are many different ways to shoot yourself in the foot, many of which only take half a second. Two weeks later, when asked about it, you cannot explain how it happened.
TokenMacGuy
Tcl: The trigger is on the wrong side of the gun. Confusingly, the gun only shoots bits of string.
TokenMacGuy
SQL: Pulling the trigger seems to take forever until you spend a good long time understanding how to join bullets with feet.
TokenMacGuy
Actionscript: You sit around all day listening for the gun to fire, and you can't figure out why it never does.
shogun
C#: An error occurs unless you cast the bullet into a foot.
Jason Baker
Ruby: You point the gun at your foot and pull the trigger. By the time it gets to the floor, you are long gone.
bigmonachus
Objective-C / Smalltalk: You point the gun at something that looks like a foot, and pull the trigger. If the something or the thing it is connected to is not bulletproof (has no "shot" method), it is shot. Otherwise, the bullet travels into space and is forgotten.
Groxx
Ain't C++ more like: Same like C but you may reuse the bullet afterwards.
Kevin D.
PHP: You build the gun, but before you can pull the trigger, someone else has surreptitiously modified the gun into a plasma cannon, and you vaporize your entire leg.
dirtside
I'm old enough that it was the APL one that cracked me up.
HLGEM
Here's one I saw from another version of this list. CSS: You try to pull the trigger, but the gun has inexplicably turned into a banana.
htw
Python: You import from __future__ a foot in which the bullet is already lodged.
Nick Lewis
Bash: You get a box of assorted metal pieces, and somewhere in the 800-page manual that comes with it is the one paragraph that tells you which ones to screw together to form a gun.
David Zaslavsky
C#: Everyone you know is constantly shooting themselves in the foot because the guns are heavy, have no saftey, and a hair trigger. Occasionally Microsoft adds other unrelated yet cool features to the gun.
George Mauer
@George Mauer - wow, way to be totally ignorant...
Luke Schafer
@George Mauer - The top two tags on SO are C# and .NET - essentially you are completely surrounded on all sides by C# fanboys, including myself.
Andrew
@Guge - I read it to my girlfriend and by the time I'd gotten to Lisp in desperation she'd cobbled together a working Glock from household objects and was threatening to shoot me somewhere other than the foot.
Andrew
Yeah, George's comment ticked off enough C# fans that I'm seriously considering adding it to my answer. :-)
T.E.D.
Haskell: You shoot yourself in the foot, but it's OK as long as you don't look at it.
Tirpen
ColdFusion: You build the gun, fire it, and shoot yourself in the foot, but no one thinks the gun exists because it happened behind a corporate intranet.
Hooray Im Helping
@blahblahHTML: The gun fires differently based on the brand of ammunition used.
sli
import shootYourFoot
PPTim
Smalltalk - Instead of puting the bullet in the gun you mistakenly loads the gun with your hand, wich is shot on your foot when you pull the trigger leaving a mess of fingers everywere.
Lucass
@Andrew: The gravity of the situation hinges on this: are the C# fanboys also armed with C# guns? ;)
Piskvor
A: 

I know I already posted one, but this is my favorite bit of computer humor ever. Whenever the network goes down, will often mention the name of Shub-Internet in a hushed voice.

I cribbed this copy from FOLDoC, which I think cribbed it in turn from the Jargon file.

Shub-Internet /shuhb in't*r-net/ (MUD, from H. P. Lovecraft's evil fictional deity "Shub-Niggurath", the Black Goat with a Thousand Young) The harsh personification of the Internet, Beast of a Thousand Processes, Eater of Characters, Avatar of Line Noise, and Imp of Call Waiting; the hideous multi-tendriled entity formed of all the manifold connections of the net. A sect of MUDders worships Shub-Internet, sacrificing objects and praying for good connections. To no avail - its purpose is malign and evil, and is the cause of all network slowdown. Often heard as in "Freela casts a tac nuke at Shub-Internet for slowing her down." (A forged response often follows along the lines of: "Shub-Internet gulps down the tac nuke and burps happily.") Also cursed by users of FTP and telnet when the system slows down. The dread name of Shub-Internet is seldom spoken aloud, as it is said that repeating it three times will cause the being to wake, deep within its lair beneath the Pentagon.

T.E.D.
+120  A: 

what do Computer Science students use for birth control?

Their personalities.

nerdabilly
It's true!! Why are you laughing?
hasen j
My wife liked this one the best.
Rob Elliott
Isn't this accountants?
Andrew
+91  A: 
AdamBT
A slightly longer German version of that is actually hanging on the door to our kitchen at work. And no, not such an ugly pixelated version, a real metal sign.
OregonGhost
http://crazy.codetroop.com/randimg/?flowsheet.jpg
awesome.............
KhanS
flowcharts are overrated.
Wallacoloo
Comic sans? No!
Nitrodist
We are supposed to post jokes here, not descriptions how this work in real life :-)
Gorgen
+555  A: 

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

Agusti-N
:)))))))))))))))))
Andrei Rinea
php hypertext programming or whatever
Hugo
Andrei I thought that was LISP for a sec there...
Abyss Knight
I have that T-shirt! :)
Herms
Hugo: php is short for personal home page
svinto
It used to be personal home pay, now it's the PHP hypertext preprocessor, and has been since 1997. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Php
Kibbee
This wins everything ...
bias
GNU is not Unix? GNU's OS? GNU HURD: HURD stands for "Hird of Unix-Replacing Daemons". And, then, HIRD stands for "Hurd of Interfaces Representing Depth". That's a hell of a lot of recursion just for a name...
voyager
I know this from a python teacher...If I teach recursion I first check if you understand recursion. If you not understand recursion I teach you recursion
Janusz
if you don't understand recursion yet, reread this sentence
beetstra
Rob Elliott
@Kibbee I think you originally meant Personal Home **Page**.
manixrock
Watch out for stack overflow
lbp
The dictionary definition of "recursion": If you didn't figured it out already - see "recursion".
Lior Kogan
To understand what a dangling pointer is, you must first understand recursion.
Roger Pate
http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke/234868#234868
trinithis
@trinithis..that was funny !
Agusti-N
+313  A: 

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

I'll admit it: I laughed.
moffdub
Try and tell that joke out loud... but then again all programming jokes are made for the internet.
James McMahon
I laughed the hardest at this one of all of these jokes, for no real discernible reason. Maybe random gibberish counts as one of those inherently funny words.
Hober
I started writing this situation as "NUL-terminated" (NUL being the first char of the ASCII charset) to avoid any mix-up with the C macro NULL, etc.
mh
As a fan of super nerdy jokes, I still thought this was lame...
TM
I read it out loud and still didn't get it. Can someone please explain it to a dumb guy?
Hooray Im Helping
In c, a string is just an array of characters. They use the \0 character to know when a string ends. Without it, the string wouldn't have any bounds, an many functions just go on reading passed the end of the string, reading random memory values.
Ikke
+18  A: 

An astronomer, physicist, mathematician and programmer are on a train going to a conference.
As they reach $COUNTRY the astronomer sees a black cow and says - see all cows in $COUNTRY are black.
No says the physicist, you mean there is evidence of some black cows in $COUNTRY.
The mathematician says - there exists at least one cow in $COUNTRY that is black on one side.

And the programmer - look! moo-moos !

Martin Beckett
Correction: There exists at least one cow in $COUNTRY that is black on at least one side at least some of the time.
Graeme Perrow
I heard the joke as sheep, and the punchline was:The programmer said: Oh no, AN EDGE CASE!
akdom
I like your version better, akdom
peterchen
But I'm a physicist!
Martin Beckett
Yes. It's definitely sheep.
Ben Alpert
+27  A: 

A classic one from learning finite state machines: "Kleeneliness is next to Gödeliness"

avgbody
That, is awesome.
RJFalconer
+236  A: 

Drug dealers:

  • Refer to their clients as "users".
  • "The first one's free!"
  • Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
  • Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".
  • Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
  • Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
  • Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
  • Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
  • Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Software developers:

  • Refer to their clients as "users".
  • "Download a free trial version..."
  • Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
  • Strange jargon: "SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"
  • Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
  • Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
  • Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
  • Their product causes unhealthy addictions - DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
  • Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
peterchen
The best part of this joke was the end of both lists. :(
moffdub
Wow I never knew drug dealers had it so good.
BubbaT
Actually, most don't:http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/steven_levitt_analyzes_crack_economics.html (video, audio, long)
peterchen
'Their unhealthy addictions cause products.'
deizel
Interesting way to put it, deizel
peterchen
Don't think that programmers in general use SCSI and ISDN too much...
Gert
@Gert: It's not the freshes joke...
peterchen
"Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!" is so true
waqasahmed
nice... m loving it... :) Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
mkamthan
love the last bit... damn damn DAMn!
giddy
+199  A: 

This is from the 70s. It can easily be updated to the present day, but it has a certain charm just the way it is:

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."

"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."

"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

Robert Rossney
I heard that one as the women how was married three times but was still a virgin. The first two husbands died tragically on their wedding day and the third was an IBM salesman...
Bob Nadler
oh my god, this is so great
Bogdan
+100,000,000,000
Rich Seller
+543  A: 

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

Sandman
Nice one! Sadly warnings breaks our build, so I can't smoke :(
Fabio Gomes
Hey! *I* care about warnings!
Peter Crabtree
Treat warnings as errors.
ripper234
hahaa. good one!
lyrae
Warnings clog your log
PiPeep
indeed they do PiPeep... Indeed they do... lol
baeltazor
-Werror breaks the joke
Damien
good programmers DO care about warnings.
peterchen
Not in Objective-C - there you just CAN'T ignore warnings, because it leads to crash.
Nava Carmon
lololololololol
Xinus
wait till he gets a LungCancerException
Manos Dilaverakis
Or:"...'So? What's that got to do with anything?''I added #pragma warning (disable: XX)'.
rursw1
+7  A: 

Q: What do database administrators give their daughters to prevent them from having child records?

A: Foreign Key Constraints!

DaveJustDave
But they end having relationships with other entities.
Eduardo León
+6  A: 

More of a pun than a joke:

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Ferruccio
+160  A: 

Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer

  1. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
  2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
  3. Indentation? I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
  4. What is this talk of release? Klingons do not release software. Our software escapes leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
  5. Klingon function calls do not have parameters - they have arguments - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
  6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
  7. A True Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
  8. Klingon software does not have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
  9. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
  10. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
Ferruccio
I love number 4!
Marius
Sounds like B'elanna Torres
Roberto Bonini
I will second that, with the right Klingon Editor of course ;) (http://stackoverflow.com/questions/304564). Enjoy your 'Good Answer' Silver Badge
VonC
number 9 killed me!
TokenMacGuy
Nice :D Also works if you substitute Klingons with Chuck Norris ;)
Thomas
Did you mean to post this here on over in the Jon Skeet Facts thread? ;-)
Ben Blank
LMAO @5 they have arguments and THEY ALWAYS WIN!
hasen j
4 and 5 are definitely my favorites. I'll never release software again, and I'll never use parameters either.
Groxx
Oh. My. Goodness. For the first time, I wish I could favorite an answer on SO.
Dan Esparza
+451  A: 

In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information.

One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, "Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"

The commander was skeptical. "How do you know?"

"I broke into their research lab and stole a page from the teletype machine! It's not the whole program, but it's the final page and contains the concluding logic of the program! See for yourself!!!!"

The commander looked at the page and smiled:

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benjismith
Is that supposed to be shaped like something, or is it just a bunch of expression-ending braces?
titaniumdecoy
It's just a bunch of closing parentheses. It's not shaped like anything.
benjismith
right to the heart of it
CAD bloke
Crying!!! I love this!
C-c C-q *wipes brow*
Dan Roberts
I don't get it, someone care to explain?
Click Upvote
@click Upvote:here is the beginning of the code so you can understand (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()(()(f=(n+n)((()(f(=9)*n(n+1(((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Oscar Cabrero
Lisp=Lotsa insignificant Stupid Parentheses
Stefan
aaaaahhh this is a nice one :)
Peter Perháč
I remember in school, working on a LISP assignment in a room full of people doing the same and noticing all of the people with there fingers on the screen and their noses moved closer, counting the parens.
Velika
These are your father's parentheses; Elegant weapons, for a more civilised age. :-D (props to XKCD, of course)
Cheekysoft
@Chadsworthington... I hope you were the one guy using an editor with paren-matching?
beggs
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negative
Are there any Lisp jokes not involving parentheses? Not that these ones about how many there are aren't hilarious. How about jokes about the syntax of other languages? I am sure you will find them crazy funny if you like these Lisp jokes.Ruby: end end endPython:
Christopher Done
I think this is reproducible
Shimmy
I found that code! http://goo.gl/FQ2U (note: sorry for the shortened URL but the Google Code Search URL was really long and the comment parser messed it up). Guess what, It's not LISP!
Martinho Fernandes
Lischp! .... ..
Marcus Lindblom
oi! you can dike the parens from lisp, just no one WANTS to
krzysz00
How does @Stefan get all those upvotes when everyone knows it's Lots of Irritating Single Parentheses?
julianz
@julianz, maybe those fricking parentheses are both irritating AND insignificant...
Stefan
+242  A: 

A foo walks into a bar, takes a look around and says "Hello World!" and meet up his friend Baz

Don Neufeld
takes a look around and says "Hello World!"
intrepion
and then meets up with his friends, Alice, Bob, and Carol.
Unniloct
Please add these comments into the original.
Adeel Ansari
... and orders some eggs with spam.
sebnow
@intrepion that needs to be the punchline. Brilliant!
Matthew Jones
Waitress Ada asks if anyone wants a cup of Java...
Deniz Dogan
@intrepion LOL this hsould defo be added!
LnDCobra
I liked the original version best
David Zaslavsky
+22  A: 

There are three books of Murphy's Law, by Arthur Bloch, from the early 80's. A number of my favorites are found in those three volumes:

Osborn's Law

Variables won't; Constants aren't.

Laws of Computer Programming

  1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
  3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
  6. The value of a given program is proportional to the weight of its output.
  7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.

Troutman's Postulates (5 & 6)

  1. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
  2. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology

There's always one more bug.

Ken Gentle
Thanks, cjm, for the correction.
Ken Gentle
+26  A: 
if(you.AreHappy && you.KnowIt){
  you.ClapHands();
}
Slace
So stupid, but had to upvote.
aaaidan
consider: you.Hands.Clap()
CrashCodes
for each (o in you.hands){o.clap();}
svinto
you->getHand(HAND_LEFT)->performAction(HAND_ACTION_CLAP, you->getHand(HAND_RIGHT));Please consider.
LiraNuna
LiraNuna, Refactor ... you->leftHand->clap(you->rightHand);
strager
foreach(var you in crowd.Where(are => are.Happy
Jonathan C Dickinson
Enterprise version: for(var hand in you.hands){ hand.clap() }
Mike Robinson
that should be you.Know(you.AreHappy). The knowing is about the being happy, of course... And this allows extending it to knowing other things, too, and taking differing actions depending on the object of knowledge...
AviD
Stop it. Please. :)
Kenji Kina
Excel version =IF(AND(you.AreHappy; you.KnowIt);you.ClapHands();"")
Anax
you match { case Happy => hands.map(clap) }
Jus12
forgot the know it part: you.knowIt match {...}
Jus12
function determineAction(you) {var it = you.Happy; return you.Hands.doClap(it } while(determineAction(window.User));
Martin
+71  A: 

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

CodingBytes
Attribution? I've seen this around before, and am wondering who is the original author.
Rick
What comes around goes around - who cares about 3 inch floppies these days?
jmucchiello
Not funny, but +1 for the effort.
harpo
I'm feeling old after reading this, hehe.
Jimmy Chandra
Maybe you could get Tim McGraw to sing the song.
amischiefr
@amischiefr That would be awesome!! I love "Back When" though this would be so much better.
Kyra
+273  A: 

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who its friends are.

CodingBytes
Not getting it. Maybe it's because I'm not a native English speaker, but doesn't the term "user friendly" imply that all users are friends?
Pumbaa80
I'd give it an upvote, but its current score is 256.
Seth
@Seth: let's see if it can make 1024.
Alan
+302  A: 

Told by Gerald Weinberg in various incarnations:

A group of ten top software engineers is sent to a class for aspiring managers. The teacher walks in and asks this question:

"You work for a software company which develops avionics (software that controls the instruments of an airplane). One day you are taking a business trip. As you get on the plane you see a plaque that says this plane is using a beta of the software your team developed. Who would get off?"

Nine developers raised their hands. The teacher looked at the tenth and asked, "Why would you stay on?"

The tenth said, "if my team wrote the software, the plane would not get off the ground, much less crash."

BubbaT
Wouldn't this story be better if you deleted "a beta of"?
Windows programmer
Is it the google plane?
James McMahon
For the historians, there is a version of this story in "The Secrets of Consulting" by Gerald Weinburg (Weinburgs Law, p134-135 in my edition). The story is asking computer professors if they would get on a plane with software written by their students - same answers ...
Hamish Downer
> Told by Gerald Weinberg in various incarnations:So how many incarnations has Weinberg had?
hobbs
@nemo If it was a google plane, beta would mean that it has been around for 10 years and obviously works just fine...
CodeFusionMobile
It's still unclear to me why the dude would stay on the plane. Doesn't he have a business trip to go on?!
Dan Tao
+216  A: 
Davide Gualano
gotta love the futurama
corymathews
HOME SWEET HOME SWEET HOME SWEET HOME SWEET HOME SWEET HOME SWEET ... ?
stalepretzel
"Ah, Home.. sweet home." Never heard this phrase before?
Nick Stinemates
Now I know it _is_ possible to fail BASIC. :-)
Adam Liss
Apparently in the future, BASIC has developed the equivalent of D.S. al Fine, only we can't see it yet.
Dave DuPlantis
There are so many programming and math jokes and references in futurama, you'd have to watch them all over and over to see them all :)
Fry
aahh, italian music reference!
Hugo
The Robot church has got "10 SIN 20 GOTO HELL" in it, that's another one of my faves. Also "Ye Olde FORTRAN" beer :)
Phill Sacre
This one irritates me because like stalepretzel alluded to, there is no termination...
Pat
I like the binary jokes they throw in a lot...BENDER (after having a nightmare): It was awful! There were ones and zeroes everywhere... and I think I saw a 2!FRY: Oh, it's OK Bender... 2 doesn't really exist.
gnovice
HA ha this is great, wish I could vote twice!
Adam
i like when bender keeps knocking on calculons door, and he annoying answers the door again: "DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA GOTO 10 LINE?"
Roy Rico
"Look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!" / "FILE NOT FOUND."
Daniel Earwicker
It's an Apple fan! Infinite Loop!
Time Machine
@gnovice: What Fry actually says is "It's okay Bender, there's no such thing as 2."
Matt Huggins
My favorite one is "6502" on a box in Bender's head during the F-Ray episode. Bonus points if you get it.
sli
The 6502 processor? ;)
Joe D
+92  A: 

C++ - where your friends have access to your private members.

Sandman
ahem... "C++, where your friends can touch your private parts"
James Curran
what about your "private members"? LOL
ugasoft
A better version - C++ is a modern language where your parent can't touch your privates but your friends can!
LiraNuna
@LiraNuna, Nor can your children. Unless you're protected. =]
strager
+1 on LiraNunas version
Jonta
lmfao @ Your parents can't touch your private members but your friends can.
Eduardo León
I'd just shorten it to "privates".
Groxx
+1 for strager!!!!
LnDCobra
+13  A: 

Some call me '^F[a-z\'-]+$', but I have many names.

RoadWarrior
damn!..are you talking about Perl
Suraj Chandran
+970  A: 

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

RoadWarrior
awesome! awesome! awesome!awesome! awesome!
Asher
It's just not for everyone. 0.o
BFreeman
+1 because its one I've used in arguments :-D The best thing about Java programmers is its easy to wind them up.
Dan
Wow. I'm laughing out loud and can't tell the person next to me why.
Joseph
Oh man, that's brilliant!
Slace
I'm looking forward to Monday morning *so* much more now :)
endian
ahahhahaha GENIUS!!!
ugasoft
now THAT is funnie !
Preets
that java people!!
Oscar Cabrero
This is a classic compsci joke about Java, and not offensive IMO.
Jeff Atwood
http://bash.org/?338364
rascher
It is quite a bad comparisement, and only a last resort in discussions about programming languages. It's not funny.
Jonta
Works on animals too...
veefu
@veefu, that's just wrong...
epochwolf
Is one of these statements supposed to be false?
Christopher Galpin
Offensive! Please refrain from using J* word and other profanity.
lispmachine
I am right now programming in *AVA. (No offense intended, please)
Adeel Ansari
Hahaha, good one.
Gert
Look at all these responses "wow now THAT was funny" or in other words "wow now THAT gives me a chance to once again establish my heterosexuality to my coworkers"
Dustin Fineout
Well... yes it is :D
ApoY2k
@veefu and Java works in Solaris. Remember, portability is very important for success. /sarcasm
Camilo Martin
Offensive, slightly humorous -1
Moshe
Not offensive, not humorous: -1.
j_random_hacker
Not offensive, but humorous.
Georg
Not Offensive, Really Humorous.
Chacha102
Java is taught at school for introduction to computer science. I think that this is a really bad choice.
joshli
@joshli: your use of the word "introduction" is rather offending in this context... (just extrapolated the joke)
none
THIS IS CLASS!!!!
LnDCobra
Man!!! who creates these jokes!! They are soooooooo goooood!!
Bragboy
@veefu We need proof...
Joe D
Oral sex works with all genders too.
zneak
+9  A: 

A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

RoadWarrior
+31  A: 

Getting a SCSI chain working is perfectly simple if you remember that there must be exactly three terminations: one at each end of the cable, and one for the goat, terminated over the SCSI chain with a silver-handled knife whilst burning black candles.

RoadWarrior
Very few of these made me literally laugh. This one definitely did
Dinah
Somehow I believe that only people with hands- on experience in this subject can laugh about that one, and believe me, I did - what a pitty, it would have deserved a much better rating!
mh
This one killed me, and I agree with mh.
Ölbaum
+19  A: 

You can have quality software, or you can have pointer arithmetic; but you cannot have both at the same time.

RoadWarrior
You can have quality software XOR you can have pointer arithmetic.
sebnow
Unfortunately too true to be funny ;-)) .
mh
Upvote XOR trashing pointer arithmetic ;-)
Liran Orevi
+69  A: 

Indeed, when I design my killer language, the identifiers foo and bar will be reserved words, never used, and not even mentioned in the reference manual. Any program using one will simply dump core without comment. Multitudes will rejoice.

RoadWarrior
Source? This is my favorite one so far.
Unniloct
The quote comes from Tim Peters.
RoadWarrior
What about 'baz'?
nilamo
Make sure that i, j and k cannot be used as variable names either.
scragar
FYI, RFC3092: http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc3092.html
Ignas Limanauskas
I would also add the same feature to all classes, functions, or variable names starting with the word "my".
Joseph Gordon
@Joseph: Doesn't perl do something similar with `my`?
Andrew Grimm
@Andrew Well, not quite. Perl uses my to designate a variable as being local my $local_var within the enclosing block. What I was mostly getting at extending a class and name it My___ when a more descriptive name could be used. MyJTable vs. ByteArrayTable for instance... I've also seen developers do things like public String mytoString() instead of public String getUserDescription().
Joseph Gordon
+108  A: 

Smith & Wesson - the original "point and click" interface.

RoadWarrior
... the results are also quite graphical when the system is loaded
KaptajnKold
@KaptajinKold lol! class!
LnDCobra
+79  A: 

The only "intuitive" user interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.

RoadWarrior
Heh. My kid didn't find it intuitive at all. Guess he'll never be a programmer.
Kyralessa
@Kyralessa — Have you *seen* the interfaces most programmers come up with? He'll be dynamite!
Ben Blank
+8  A: 

This code is about as stable as a one-legged drunk with hypothermia in a hurricane, balancing on a banana peel. When someone throws him an elephant with bad breath and a worse temper.

RoadWarrior
+11  A: 

All programs are poems, it's just that not all programmers are poets.

RoadWarrior
+43  A: 

Computers are high-speed idiots, programmed by low-speed idiots.

RoadWarrior
Other way around.
Sneakyness
+18  A: 

Would you want to use an operating system that names its commands after digestive noises (awk, grep, fsck, nroff)?

RoadWarrior
This IS the best one! Too poor I reached the limit...
FUZxxl
+29  A: 

Computers let you make more mistakes than any other invention in history. With the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

RoadWarrior
That possible exception is also an 'exception' ;)
Liran Orevi
+197  A: 

The C language combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease-of-use of assembly language.

RoadWarrior
... plus the portability of assembly language.
Dour High Arch
Plus the beauty of assembly language.
Windows programmer
tears! there are tears coming out of my eyes! LMAO
Bernhard Hofmann
plus the code readability of assembly language
Mason Wheeler
It's cute quote, but in reality, C allows for much more understandable and maintainable systems to be built compared to assembly. Of course, you should almost always use something higher level than C anyway, but if you were doing some low-level embedded/kernel programming, C is actually pretty good at what it was designed for.
Jason Creighton
I love it. I really love it.
Daniel Straight
wish i could +vote twice. classic garden-path.
Nir Levy
C was designed !? Seems more like spaghetti to me and I have (unfortunately) written in Assembly and in C.
Danny Varod
@Jason: Except that the type of software that C was designed to be used for is a a small percentage of the type of software created using it.
SnOrfus
@Jason. It's. A. Freaking. Joke. We know what C was designed for. Don't take it too seriously.
Hooray Im Helping
ROFLOL.. ROFLOL...
Senthil
I am C programmer and I think that this joke is not funny!
ralu
+5  A: 

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.

RoadWarrior
That's when you're starting out... but after that it becomes more along the lines of WTF?
chakrit
The lyrics goes this way: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH WTF!!! (Repeat if desired then fade). lol
Jronny
+24  A: 

Software salesmen and used-car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

RoadWarrior
... And some of them actually know how to drive.
Adriano Varoli Piazza
+6  A: 

Compiler message you don't want to see #42:

Too many errors on one line (make fewer).

RoadWarrior
I remember getting this one before.
epochwolf
+5  A: 

Compiler message you don't want to see #41:

This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message.

RoadWarrior
+45  A: 

Q: How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
A: Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it

Gorro
This is torture to a cockroach!
Fabio Gomes
That's so harsh. Amazing!
aaaidan
In other words Windows is killing bugs?
Jonathan C Dickinson
No, it's just calling all of them features.
Sneakyness
No, it just kills hardware.
nilamo
I've always told my kids there are only two ways to kill a cockroach: dismemberment and incineration, but now there are three.
C.W.Holeman II
+26  A: 

There are three types of people in this world:

  • Those that understand recursion
  • Those that don't understand recursion
  • Those that think there are three types of people in this world:

    • Those that understand recursion
    • Those that don't understand recursion
    • Those that think there are three types of people in this world:

      • Those that understand recursion
      • Those that don't understand recursion
      • Those that think there are three types of people in this world:

        • ...
Jason Kester
I came up with this one in a better format: "There are two types of people in this world: those who understand recursion and those who don't understand that there are two types of people in this world: ..."
niXar
+9  A: 

Localized version of a famous one:

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below, who is pasturing goats. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"Oh, thanks, now I know I'm in Russia"

"Yes" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone. So you are software developer. And only in Russia software developers pasture goats."

Pavel Feldman
Uhh I don't get it.
Ace
+1  A: 

My favorite is Henry G. Baker's I Have a Feeling We're Not In Emerald City Anymore from Sigplan Notices 1997, where he explains why we have Ada.

Jouni K. Seppänen
+22  A: 
dance: while( true ){
    if( something() ) break dance;
}
Dour High Arch
I wonder who up-voted this..
Blindy
I didn't do it.
Arnis L.
+8  A: 

A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

Ather
+184  A: 

Three men are talking: A programmer, a doctor, and a lawyer. The lawyer says, "Man, the only way is to have a mistress. With all these divorce suits, it's terrible. The only way is to have a mistress." The doctor says, "Are you kidding? With all the STDs out there, you want a wife and that's it." The programmer says, "You need both a wife and a mistress. Because when you're not with the mistress, she'll assume you're with your wife, and when you're not with your wife, she'll assume you're with your mistress, and THAT leaves you more time to be in the lab programming!"

Knox
Haha! In the true spirit of a programmer
Qua
Yes any excuses to program is a good and a bad thing
Shahmir Javaid
hehe, finally a useful deadlock
Markus Lux
"leaves you more time to be in the lab programming"... this is embarrassing
Senthil
This is an alternative method of not marrying...hahahha
Enjoy coding
+431  A: 

A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Gulzar
I believe that started as a "blonde's revenge" joke where the guy starting up the game thinks he can make money off the blonde.
Kevin
ROFLMFAO........
Unkwntech
Not sure why the two characters need to be "Geologist" and "Engineer", but still funny!
Jon Schneider
this isnt coding though
Click Upvote
That one was great
Hugoware
err, someone care to explain it?
Sujoy
The Engineer doesn't know the answer either. He made up an impossible question to get the Geologist to leave him alone while he researched it. And make some money.
toast
Just not as funnt when you explain it :)
Matthew Whited
Was better when the Engineer was a (not-so-dumb)Blonde, and the Geologist a smarmy-lawyer type...
davewasthere
*hands Jon Schneider $5*
ajh1138
I recall a similar question - what is born with four legs and ends up with three, which I DO know the answer to. Anyway, good joke.
Danny Varod
@Danny, please tell us the answer to : what is born with four legs and ends up with three.
Thunder
@Danny, answer is Man.
Sunny
@Jon: in the petroleum industry, engineers and geologists have a long and bitter friendly rivalry. I am almost certain that this adaptation of the old joke comes from this arena.
Derrick Turk
@Danny Varod: The question is "What walks on four feet in the morning, two in the afternoon and three at night?", asked by the Sphinx to Oedipus.
fortran
+20  A: 

There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"

Gulzar
I often tell this one to my users while we wait for their computer to reboot.
rpilkey
+83  A: 

An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.

"Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession," said the hooker.

"Ah," said the architect, "but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?"

"What are you getting at, God?" The hooker asked.

"And was He not the divine architect of the universe?" The architect asked, looking smug.

The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. "And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?"

"Darkness and chaos," the hooker said.

"And who do you think created chaos?" the programmer said.

Remou
that used to be a lawyer joke - the lawyer saying "who do you think created the chaos?"
DarenW
ROTFL! OMFG!! it's just great!
unkiwii
yeah, works much better as a lawyer joke.
harpo
Mmmmm, no, it works better as a programmer joke.
Jason Orendorff
+21  A: 

This inherits from a joke about engineers:

A pessimistic programmer sees the array as half empty.

An optimistic programmer sees the array as half full.

A Real Programmer® sees the array as twice as big as it needs to be and calls realloc().

Dennis Williamson
Shouldn't it be the other way around? An array with less elements takes less time to process.
titaniumdecoy
@titaniumdecoy: The amount of elements is the same, realloc is called to match the capacity (which is larger) to the amount of elements.
sebnow
Oh man, I hate realloc().
jeffamaphone
A repeat. Besides, Programmer(R) !?
Danny Varod
-1 for Danny. Mine is earlier than the other ones. Also, not "Programmer" but "Real Programmer®"
Dennis Williamson
+96  A: 

A Microsoft dev is walking down a walking path on campus when he hears a frog say, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman. We can get married, and I will be your loving wife forever". The geek and the frog stare at each other for a bit, and then he picks up the frog and gently places her in his front pocket. The frog sticks her head out and says "aren't you going to kiss me?"

"No" says the dev, "I work for Microsoft, I don't have time for a wife - but a talking frog is really cool!"

It' my favorite :)
mere-teresa
If it's cool, it's an iFrog.
Franz
+127  A: 

Q: What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?

A: The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters

Did you mean megabyte or kilobyte?
Adam Rosenfield
He got it right, and I laughed out loud.
Unniloct
Great joke jaja.. and yes.. you're right about that
unkiwii
do you mean a kibibyte or a kilobyte?
Jeremybub
any serious programer know the difference between kilo and kibi...
ApoY2k
+744  A: 
hmemcpy
That's terribly freaking, remembers-me of dilbert
fmsf
Modern versions of Windows reply, "happy was unexpected at this time", which I think is even funnier :-)
Simon Howard
Awesome, really!Syntax error.
yoavf
The first one so far that actually made me laugh out loud!
Andreas Magnusson
fix for modern versions of Windows:>copy con [email protected] Syntax error^Z>.\if you are happy and you know it, syntax error!
kinjal
Just set the happy slider to full!
Lasse V. Karlsen
I love this one! This made my day.
Pim Jager
haha.. good one :)
armandino
bool StillFunny = true;string Result = "";While (StillFunny){ Result += "Good Job i love it!"; }
Ioxp
My god, this is beautiful.
Allyn
Literally laughing out loud... OMG... I wish I could vote this answer up 20 times. By far the best answer to this question.
Andrew
Good one! Syntax Error!
ceetheman
+200; Best one so far!
John Gietzen
This is not nice! It is an abuse of an innocent OS!
Lior Kogan
i gotta say this one's awesome
vote count.. at... 486... can't... bring myself... to vote it up!
quack quixote
That was laugh out loud funny:)
Oorang
I've tried this one, and it's even funnier with win7!
Jronny
@Lior: "innocent"?
Nikolai Ruhe
if you're happy and you know it, ^D> bash: unexpected EOF while looking for matching `'' bash: syntax error: unexpected end of file just hasn't quite got the same 'ring' to it...
James Morris
hey, I want to try this out on my Win7 machine, I go to dos and type that it just says command not found, what should I do to replicate this thing? thanks!
iamserious
I tried, "If you're happy and you know it, say, "happy was unexpected at this time."
muntoo
+563  A: 
John Nilsson
+1, I saw this and then used this as a stub in place of a random number generator, and it is now an on-going joke in the office...
Pat
Source: http://xkcd.com/221/
myplacedk
Alt-text on xkcd: "RFC 1149.5 specifies 4 as the standard IEEE-vetted random number." hehehe
Wouter van Nifterick
this is really good.. so naive :)
seuvitor
Got to love XKCD
Mark Davidson
I just love this one :)
Trap
In rails, when you try to find an nonexistent object, it returns:Could not find Object ID, did you mean 4? If you want to return null use Object_ID, or something along those lines. Now the 4 makes slightly more sense (RFC...)
CodeJoust
I've seen this in real code. Seriously!
Phil Nash
WTF! I thought the answer to everything is 42! hahaha. Nice one!
Jronny
@Jronny: commonly misquoted, 42 is the answer to "the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything", not the answer to life, not the answer to the universe, not the answer to everything: the answer to "the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything". Sorry, diehard fan.
Martinho Fernandes
A random PIN number is selected to be 1234
OutputLogic
+6  A: 
return your_job++;

Just before your_job got a raise, it went to the garbage dump.

Invisible Coder
+56  A: 

Your momma's so fat, that when she sat on a binary tree she turned it into a sorted linked-list in O(1).

Not a joke per se, but I think it is funny :)

Kasper Vesth
Technically, it would be O(logn).
Clark Gaebel
This made me laugh out loud in the office
Frank Rosario
She's **so** fat she did it in O(1).
Nick Lewis
*Per se (latin) ;)
smoove666
+55  A: 

Not exactly a programming joke, but related enough:

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staking out an empty house.

They see two people walk in.

Later, they see three people walk out.

The biologist says, "They must have multiplied!"

The engineer says, "I think it was measurement error."

The mathematician says, "Now, if exactly one person walks into the house, it will have zero people in it again."

JXG
I think, there is minor edit needed, shouldn't it be that they see 1 person walk in and later two walk out?
questzen
two in, three out, i suspect.
DarenW
As I'm sure you all know from programming with arrays, an off-by-1 error always happens when you least expect it...A TRUE computer scientist would say, they see N people walk in. Then they see N+1 people walk out. But that's in its own category of pedantry.
JXG
The computer scientist says "There are 2147483648 people in the house."
TokenMacGuy
tokenmacguy, nice one :-)
Ilya Birman
@TokenMacGuy, only if you have 31 bit unsigned integers. 4294967295 seems more likely.
Doug McClean
@questzen Are you suggesting asexual reproduction? That's quite a stretch.
Bob Aman
+98  A: 

"In theory, there ought to be no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."

I use this way too often.
Trevoke
The difference between theory and practice is greater in practice than it is in theory.
Professor_Calculus
+26  A: 

Personal one I came up with:

"Pirates go arg!!!, Computer pirates go argv!!" - mempko

sounds like a Scandinavian pirate to me
Ellery Newcomer
I like how he quoted himself
Baddie
@Ellery: That'd be a viking
Jauco
Not argc??? Or would that just be the amount of times they go argv!!
Joe D
As someone awesome I know said "I like quoting myself" -mempko
+2  A: 

Did you hear the one about the programmer who's car got a flat? He spent the whole night starting and stopping the car trying to fix it.

dicroce
The one I heard is how can you tell a field service engineer with a flat battery? He's the one changing each of the tyres in turn to see if it fixes it.
Mark Baker
A programmer wouldn't be dumb enough to think that restarting actually helps. A windows user, however, would.
sebnow
+58  A: 

The programmer got stuck in the shower because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Adam Liss
That's a recursive function that somebody messed up, there should be a stopping condition in there: void Shower(){Lather();Rinse();if !Clean() {Shower();}}
Osama ALASSIRY
I don't buy this one. Eventually the bottle would be empty and an exception would be raised.
Mason Wheeler
@Mason Wheeler - lol
Pop Catalin
Up vote because of @Mason Wheeler comment. LOL!
Swim
I wish I could upvote the comment!
Adam Liss
@mason not if he is uses C :)
Yassir
class OutOfShampooException (Exception):pass
Markus
@Yassir If he was using C, it would terminate with a core dump in the shower
Russell Mull
I don't believe the bottle would raise an exception. It will just return null ;-)
Hardcoded
@Mason or maybe a StackOverflowException on the recursion
Samuel Carrijo
@Samuel: More likely a buffer overflow
Joe D
+9  A: 

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a programmer were discussing the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. The theorem is false.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not, 11 is.... The theorem is true, within experimental error.

Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime.... The theorem is true.

Programmer: 3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime....

Adam Liss
it's a duplicate
Brann
Are you reading in chronological order, or reverse-chronological?
Adam Liss
The answer is yes.
Markus
+128  A: 

If the box says, "This software requires Windows XP or better," does that mean it'll run on linux?

Adam Liss
It means you can't run it on Vista (It's not better than XP). You can usually run it on Linux using Wine.
Osama ALASSIRY
No. It's an exclusive or. It runs in XP, therefore it won't run in "better". So Linux won't run it. :)(unless Wine says so)
luiscubal
@luiscubal: LOL! Someone passed his Logic course with flying colors!
Adam Liss
in Wine there is wisdom.
Jonathan C Dickinson
@luiscubal: That depends on operator precedence. Does "requires" come before or after "or"?
RMorrisey
@RMorrisey: If Windows XP is unavailable, then better is used.
sli
Answer: Depends. Wine might support it. Person asking question: So if I drink, it will look like it works?
Biosci3c
+3  A: 

One of my older posts - link text

Binny V A
+5  A: 

First Engineer: "I was walking home one evening when I encountered the most stunningly beautiful lady riding a bicycle. She stopped next to me, threw off her clothes and said "it's all yours!" "

Second Engineer: "What did you do?"

First Engineer: "I rode off on her bicycle."

Second Engineer: "Yeah. Her clothes wouldn't have suited you anyway..."

AndyUK
Told better already.
Dour High Arch
Redundant answers is not a problem.
Goran
+6  A: 

Old programmer talking to young one: What do you mean you have to have an IDE? Why, in my day, all we had were ones and zeros, and that was on a good day. On bad days, all we had were zeros.

dongilmore
We didn't even have zeroes, we had to use the uppercase o!
Guge
Uppercase O? Tha' were lucky - we had to make do wi' bits o' string tied in circles!
I never understood why it would be zeros instead of ones. Most of Turring's work was devised in unary.
TokenMacGuy
+42  A: 

The shortest programmer joke:

"I'm nearly done!"

(in german: "Ich habs gleich!")

Sam
"It compiles!"
Adam Liss
Aah yes, in english it's shorter, right!
Sam
4 syllables in english, just 3 in german
Claudiu
In portuguese "Está quase!!" 2 syllables :)
fmsf
@fmsf: thats 4 syllables. The shortest is in spanish: "es fin!"
BBetances
Doesn't "es fin" mean "I'm done" and not "I'm nearly done!"
configurator
In english you could say "nearly done!"
Jonta
Japanese: すぐ! Sugu! ;)
deceze
In german you could shorten it to "Habs gleich!"
arturh
In chilean spanish: Ta lihto! (3 syllables)
Rodrigo
in windows 3.1 (blue)
Mark Schultheiss
@BBatances En español de donde?
OscarRyz
In Mexican spanish: Ya mero!
OscarRyz
Spanish of everywhere: ¡Acabé! (I'm finished!)For "I'm nearly done!" -> ¡Casi acabé! <- Although this one sounds a bit forced :)
machielo
"¡Ya casi!" o "¡Casi!", meaning "Almost!".
Tordek
@Claudiu: Yeah, but at least we don't need 6 syllables to say "Jeep"! (i.e., *Leichtekübelwagen*)
Robusto
In latin: Dixi!
topright
"es fin" means literally "it's end" and doesn't make too much sense. This would be "Casi termino". And, "Está quase" is 2 syllables long? I don't know Portuguese, but I'm almost sure it's 2 words, but 4 syllables.
Petruza
By the way, "casi acabo" also means "I almost cum" so programmers don't say this ever, at least not to another person. :D
Petruza
+4  A: 

Quite nice one is "The Evolution of a Programmer", found at many places at the Internet, for example here:

http://www.pvv.ntnu.no/~steinl/vitser/evolution.html

Touko
+58  A: 

"What do you mean, it needs comments!? If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand--why do you think we call it code???"

Adam Liss
Reminds me of the zen of Python:"Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it."
sebnow
s/Python/Brian W. Kernighan/
jplindstrom
+1, at my last job I actually got yelled at for commenting!
tsilb
+16  A: 

How to Develop Your Programming Schedule

  • Start with your worst-case estimate, multiply by 2, then switch to the next larger unit of measurement. Example: If you think it should take 3 days, allow 6 weeks.

  • My wife, the daughter of a theoretical mathematician, simply multiplies her worst-case estimate by 2 pi. I contend that her method lulls her into a false sense of confidence, as she improves her accuracy merely by keeping another decimal place.

  • After learning indirection, a coworker always answered "tomorrow" and explained that, eventually, he'd be right. I wonder if he's still employed....

Adam Liss
+9  A: 

She sells cshs by the cshore.

TerrorBite
+34  A: 

Q: What did the Java code say to the C code?
A: You've got no class.

rich
"Class" is just a buzzword!
sebnow
"Buzz" is just a four letter word
schnaader
+571  A: 

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

mkClark
+1 So true it hurts
chakrit
Maybe the end of the UNIX time will make this story happen sooner. :)
luiscubal
+1 It's the better joke i've heard jajaj..
unkiwii
What a pity, it's so true...
Eduardo León
aaaaaaahhhhhhh, another good one! :D laughing my head off
Peter Perháč
Very, very good!
hatfinch
why oh why can't I upvote twice! :P
Slace
Funniest of the jokes I hadn't heard before
RickMeasham
Makes me think, maybe the Egyptian mummies were COBOL programmers.
MAK
How does a frozen person expect something?
Lars D
@Lars: his resuscitation was "unexpected", thus he was *not* expecting anything.
Bob Jarvis
+102  A: 

The First Poem Written for Computers

        <>!*''#
        ^"`$$-
        !*[email protected]$_
        %*<>~4
        &[]../
        |{,,SYSTEM HALTED

For you somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names):

    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
    Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
    Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
    Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
    Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
    Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH

From http://www.cise.ufl.edu/~ddd/poem.htm

TrickyNixon
Open-Bracket dot capital-Y dot Close-Bracket
Shahmir Javaid
+1 because those names are absolutely ridiculous
David Zaslavsky
+191  A: 

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As she lay there in bed
Looping 'round in her head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++

Bonus semi-related XKCD (thanks to randle-taylor):

XKCD 571

Myrddin Emrys
Man; picture the cpu usage.
Eddie Parker
http://xkcd.com/571/
Randle Taylor
The worst part of this is that it'll keep making temporary sheep, only to destroy them immediately...
Groxx
well, not if sheep is an integer type - the compiler will optimize that to ++sheep...
Daren Thomas
Or it could be a class with an unorthodox overload of operator++... I'm probably over-thinking this.
Daniel Earwicker
What's even worse is that there's a syntax error;
Cristián Romo
rhyming fuss with plusplus! brilliant
Nick Kavadias
I think it's better with: while(!asleep()) ++sheep
Josh
Gotta love limericks.
Franz
Josh: "While not asleep, sheep-plus-plus" matches the beginning better than "While not asleep, increment sheep", really
Arve Systad
Well, the limerick rhyming pattern requires that the last line rhyme with the first two... AABBA rhyme scheme. **while (!asleep) ++sheep** has great internal rhyme, but it's no longer a limerick.
Myrddin Emrys
@Myrddin: Yes but that's incrementing the sheep variable, what you need is to count them (with C++0x):sheep = std::count (field.begin (), field.end (), not_asleep ());
Joe D
@Joe Not bad... but somehow, I think the meter is just a tad off on that version.
Myrddin Emrys
@Myrddin: Hey, I wasn't asked to rhyme ;)
Joe D
+161  A: 

After 5 pages of jokes, no one's gonna read this, but it's funny nonetheless:

How long does it take to copy a file in Vista? Yeah, I don't know either, I'm still waiting to find out.

Jeff Schumacher
When re-visiting a fav topic like this one, I arrange by "newest" not "votes".
Dean
Yeah, me too. And it's a good joke, I'm voting it up :)
Sandman
It take the time to install SP1 to fix the file copy bug plus the time to copy the file as normal :D
VirtualBlackFox
Vista 0 - XP 1;Vista -1 - Mac 1;Mac vs. XP;XP 0 - Mac 2;
Time Machine
And how does it calculate the estimated time? It copies the file counting the time, deletes it and start copying.
MazarD
It's not that 'no one's gonna read this", it is that "nobody SHOULD read this". Bad MS bashing is for /.
amischiefr
http://xkcd.com/612/
Martin
@amischiefr - I think you're missing the point of this topic.
Jeff Schumacher
+16  A: 

Saw this on Jokes2Go.com today:

Software Development Process

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

AdamBT
+57  A: 

What sits on your shoulder and goes "Pieces of 7! Pieces of 7!"?

A Parroty Error!

This one is funny because of the amount of time it took me to explain it to my non-programming friends. ("I've got a great joke--but first, a quick lesson on transmission protocols.")
Michael Myers
?????? m confused
nicky
so what are 'pieces of eight'?
Axarydax
@mmyers I actually did that to my misses last night for another one of these jokes. "Got A funny joke girl creature of mine, but first..."
thecoshman
@Axarydax: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pieces_of_eight
Boldewyn
I wish I could vote this up a thousand times xD
Joe Hopfgartner
+27  A: 

Q: Why should OS X be afraid of Windows 7?

A: Because 7 8 9. And 10 is next.

DaveJustDave
Mac OS is (almost) at 10.6.
sebnow
Well, Windows will floor the thing anyways...
Svish
Svish: I presume you have used Mac OSX enough to come to such a fair, non-exaggerating conclusion? Good joke.
Jonta
Actually, 10 is NeXT...
Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen
If Microsoft decides to use octal numbers, it won't take that long.
Danny Varod
+49  A: 
if(computer.fail==true){
background.setColor(blue);
user.frown();
sys.shutdown();
user.scream("OH, DARN YOU");}
Dean
Brilliant. I like this code-poem because it's natural to read.
aaaidan
For the record: http://limerickdb.com/?434
avakar
+1 for the poetry!
Ilari Kajaste
+16  A: 
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
Dean
+1 how clever! :D
Dian
+143  A: 

Visual Studio likes to put a comment block at the top of some of the support files it maintains itself automatically that makes the very matter-of-fact statement:

This code was generated by a tool.

I think I'm finally approaching getting tired of giggling at that, but it took way too long...

Grank
Must be great for peer-review.
Dean
Oh man, I haven't laughed like that since I was 16.
aaaidan
@Tor Haugen: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tool
Unniloct
I was reading this at work and just busted out laughing for like 5 minutes...I'm crying now...thanks.
ctrlShiftBryan
+172  A: 

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

Grank
Ok I finally laughed out loud at this one :)
Liam
I finally got this after 12 years... >.<
epochwolf
wait i don't get this.
thephpdeveloper
you can not get this until you put this
Mark Schultheiss
"Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer?" Is that it?
Maxim Zaslavsky
@Maxim Z. Right.
Kevin Panko
+38  A: 
Grank
This is being printed out to stick on the wall as I type this.
Brant Bobby
But where the "Was it Whipped good?" branch?
James Curran
+254  A: 

How to catch an Elephant in the Africa

  • MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
  • EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
  • PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
  • COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
    1. Go to Africa.
    2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
    3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
    4. During each traverse pass,
      1. Catch each animal seen.
      2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
      3. Stop when a match is detected.
  • EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
  • ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
  • ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
  • ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
  • STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
  • CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
  • OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
  • POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
  • LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
  • SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
  • VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
    1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
    2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
  • SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
  • QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
  • SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
  • SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
  • HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
Waterford
Mathematicians get a huge net go to Africa, wrap it around themself and loudly state "I define this as outside"
Marius
Mexican police takes a random african animal and pour soda with chili into its nose until it admits that it's an elephant.
Wouter van Nifterick
I would vote this up 10 times if I could
thaBadDawg
This one is awesome! Great entry
Pim Jager
I love the hardware sales part. Where can I get a desktop elephant?
Groxx
Actually an experienced computer programmer would sort all the animals in Africa and then use a binary search.
1800 INFORMATION
too long. no real punch line.. yawn!
Nick Kavadias
My favorite joke. Every line is a punch line
Mike Trader
Groxx, I'm replying almost a year after your post. If you haven't upgraded your system since your post, Congratulations! You now have a desktop elephant!
Philip Kelley
+3  A: 

This one is best told leaving out the last line.

Why did the computer programmer die in the shower?

He followed the directions on the shampoo bottle!

(lather, rinse, repeat)

Will Glass
Great one! Wish I'd posted it!
Adam Liss
Repeat, someone already did.
AdamBT
Redundant answers is not a problem.
Goran
Ah, well. With 165 answers hard to be fresh. At least I tried.
Will Glass
+6  A: 

This was actually funny back in the Jurassic:

Q: How many IBM mainframes does it take to do an arithmetic left shift?

A: 33. 32 to hold the bits and one to push the register.

+7  A: 

They say the memory is the first to go....

I used to remember everything when I was a kid. I suppose I had an infinite stack. As I got older, and busier, and tired, my stack size decreased until, 3 children later, it was exactly 1 bit. (Readers of StackOverflow shouldn't need an explanation.) And today, it's dwindled to ... er, what was the question?

Adam Liss
+5  A: 

Hello World is cross platform chapter

LANE
+70  A: 

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

zonkflut
You're so web 1.0 - nowadays they say "There's no place like ::1". (Or for the Unix geek, "There's no place like ~")
moritz
%HOMEDRIVE%%HOMEPATH% on a certain proprietary OS.
Adriano Varoli Piazza
There's no place like ~
John Oxley
This one always bugs me. Localhost is not the same as home.
Miral
@Miral - You sir are the reason there are jokes about programmers getting laid.
amischiefr
$HOME is where the .emacs is
Rasmus Kaj
@Miral sorry, joke is still funny despite your attempts to wreck it.
Anonymous Type
i think you meant »there's no place like ::1«
knittl
+20  A: 

Mathematician, Physicist, Engineer walking through a field come upon a farmer.

The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The physicist does some calculus and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The engineer looks at him and laughs. "No, the best way is a circle". The physicist concedes and they start building the fence.

The mathematician just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says "I declare myself to be outside".

zonkflut
Nice topology-related one!
Eduardo León
+6  A: 

The one about the programmer working on fifth floor, always be taking the elevator to the fourth floor...

baretta
Not a problem for us European programmers, floors here are called Ground, First, Second... (0-based) ;)
Patrick McDonald
Patrick, this isn't true for all of the Europe...
Paulius Maruška
yea Paulius, actually i can't see this is the case in Scandinavia at least.. Its a funny thing to do, almost did it myself once:)
baretta
I once lived in a building with floors M,P,E,0,1,2,3,...15.Finding the correct floor to exit from was always an issue for guests.
Danny Varod
+631  A: 

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

The rest of them will write Perl programs.

spilth
Wow, that was good!
kurious
LOL. This is awesome!
Pramod
Schwern
@Schwern: Looking at that (particularly the way it starts with -f) I thought "No, it can't be..." ... but it is. Valid Perl. Now what am I supposed to say next time they make fun of us? :(
Adam Bellaire
The joke's been around for quite some time. The original incarnation was, "The first thing any of them typed would be a UNIX command."
@Schwern — What's that supposed to do? On my system (perl 5.8.0), all I get is "Illegal division by zero at - line 1."
Ben Blank
I'm sure they could write pretty good Regexes too.
Trillian
@Ben Blank it doesn't do a blessed thing, but it does parse.
hobbs
Honestly Schwern's comment is better than the joke.
Matthew Jones
Unfortunately on perl 5.10: "$# is no longer supported at - line 1."
Mark Aufflick
hum... wouldn't they collectively output a java program or more than one together? the probability of one monkey doing it is near impossible unless you have infinite time correct? Guess I'm missing the point here.
nkassis
The only way to know if something is valid perl is to run it.
Camilo Martin
Ruby is the new Perl!
oeogijjowefi
Social media has proven this theory incorrect
lojack
Perl is the only language I've used that looks about the same both before and after encryption.
elmugrat
Using B::Deparse, this becomes: -f $_ > @+ ? *< . -_() : $# / %!; perl.pl syntax OK
Kevin Panko
Attempting to run it results in: Illegal division by zero at perl.pl line 1.
Kevin Panko
I think this is the first time a programming joke on the Internet actually made me _literally_ laugh out loud. Well played, sir!
Alan
+145  A: 

The Consultant's Exam

  • Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

(Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. )

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

  • Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? (and No, it is not "Open the refigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator?")

(Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.) This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

  • Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

(Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.) This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true analytical abilities.

  • Q4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

(Answer: You just jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Lion King's Meeting.)

James Curran
Good series of jokes.Overly explained, though.
BradC
Reminds me of John Kerry's jokes as told by the Daily Show.
James McMahon
I love this one
stalepretzel
I've seen this one with pictures and everything. Apparently most four year olds get it immediately, so if you got it you have the brains of a four year old.
Evan
These ^ are iq tests not programmer jokes like it is supoosed to be.
Tim Matthews
I heared them when I was kid, definetely not programming related.
hasen j
Also, who is to say that you can't fit both the elephant *and* the giraffe in the fridge?
Antony Carthy
What always bothered me about these types of questions is, that e.g. Q4 doesn't reference Q3 in any way, so how would you know that they are related?
Zsolt Török
@Zsolt: It's supposed to be a joke, not a real test. You are not supposed to realize that the questions are related.
James Curran
@Antony: Question 2 basically says that you can't have them both in at the same time -- because if you could, then the answer it says is invalid would be correct.
Miral
It's not really a joke but rather an amusement.
John K
I admit that I didn't get any of them right. Had a good laugh though.
Vikrant Chaudhary
I heard this before, but Q4 and Q5 were different. Q4: Now, if you were on a plane and it was going to crash because it was overloaded, what should you throw out? *Ans: The refrigerator bec. it has an elephant in it.* Q5: There was a beautiful damsel in distress, so a handsome prince was coming to save her. But he died before he could get to her. Why? *Ans: A refrigerator fell from the sky and crushed him.*
Dian
+41  A: 

A son asked his father(a programmer) why the sun rises in the east, and sets in the west. His response?

It works, don't touch!

Dano
And for that matter, don't look at it too closely. ;)
Doug McClean
If the sun had unit tests it wouldn't be as risky to touch it.
JeffH
Maybe it does. But sadly the source code is proprietary.
Miral
Don't programmers always inspire to improve, or is that just software engineers?
Danny Varod
The way I heard it: (turns his head away from the monitor) -Does it really? -Yes! -Have you checked several times? -Yes, dad. -Then for god's sake, don't touch anything!!!
romkyns
+3  A: 

If architects built buildings the way programmers write software, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Terry Lacy
A: 

Which archetypal personae are u? Mort, Elvis or Einstein?

J Angwenyi
+34  A: 

What do you call a programmer from Finland?

Nerdic.

Robert S.
+4  A: 

SELECT * FROM Users WHERE Clue > 0

0 Rows returned

Boyan
+72  A: 

I'd like to make the world a better place, but they won't give me the source code.

luiscubal
i doubt it you ll have many problems ( legacy code )
Yassir
i bet it's in COBOL
Arnis L.
No, it's Perl: http://xkcd.com/224/
EFraim
+4  A: 

sp_helptext 'sp_helptext'

J Angwenyi
I ran the command and don't get the joke. sp_helptext is qutie an odd sp.
Joshua
It gets its own sp text. Just one of those recursive things that take time to be understood by new programmers!
J Angwenyi
+3  A: 

Every time my allergies flair up, I remind my peers:

"There's nothing worse then a programmer with a bad code."

Technobabble
+9  A: 

How to get girls interested in programming

Girls like romantic stuff. My new programming language will supply this in the following way:

  1. Each variable can either be masculine or feminine.
  2. Masculine arrays are one-based, feminine arrays are zero-based (this is soooo obvious).
  3. In a jagged array, at least 40% of the subarrays need to be feminine.
  4. If you construct a date by concatenating a masculine and a feminine variable, some of the space allocated for the masculine variable will be reallocated for the date.
  5. Every 28th cpu cycle, all feminine variables will throw exceptions or other heavy objects if queried the wrong way (what the right and wrong way is, is undocumented – pending research)
  6. During communication, feminine variables will always go through a named pipe, tcp port or anything like that before masculine.
  7. If a masculine pointer raises a flag for the wrong feminine variable, it is not an exception.
  8. A female binary large object will be tried but not caught.
  9. Feminine variables will never dump unless they are grouped.
  10. Feminine variables are not static with threads, they change patterns every season.
  11. Behind every long masculine integer there is a feminine char.
  12. To construct a short, you must first concatenate a feminine single and a masculine single into a mixed gender double, the most significant bits of the double will then overflow into a short after a period of 9×30 cycles. The double can spawn several shorts before they are either deallocated or split into two singles again.
  13. Feminine variables should be camelcase.
  14. Masculine variables have their own opinion on what the most significant bits of feminine variables are.
Guge
5 and 14 are great!
AdamBT
+3  A: 

How To Write Unmaintainable Code contains tons of it.

Ricardo Cabral
+4  A: 

Don't take it serious :)

date && sleep && look && talk && touch && access && open top && unzip && mount && yes && yes && join && fork && umount && kill && cut && shred

Johannes Schaub - litb
Wow.... that's ... *ahem*
aaaidan
you forgot a couple of fsck fsck
Eric
oops. i see. feel free to put it where you want :p
Johannes Schaub - litb
+296  A: 

Why programmers like UNIX:

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

Andrew from NZSG
Best joke so far
DWilliams
This joke is hilarious!
navigator
This definitely needs some gasp.
chsh
Maybe some gawk.
sli
Great Sense of relativity...
Rachel
Great joke.....
chikak
The version I've seen is: `who
Seth
I actually laugh out loud to this one. The others a witty, but this actually got a chuckle!
thecoshman
+8  A: 

Every time the God divides by zero a black hole is spawned.

CommanderZ
+7  A: 

Q: how many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

it's been posted here about MS programmers, but i think it does actaully work better with Apple...
Nir Levy
+2  A: 

One day a programmer doesn't show up at work. And the next day. And next day. And the day after that. Finally friends come to his house. They found him in the bath looking at the shampoo label, reading -

"Leather. Rinse. Repeat..."

He would run out of shampoo before dying. If he had a good catch for EmptyBottleException, he would have survived
Samuel Carrijo
Or if he didn't, he might have crashed and taken a core dump in the shower, and *that's* not a pretty sight.
Christian Mann
+180  A: 

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that!

Ether
excelent, just excelent! XD
unkiwii
Very nice. Upvoted and remembered
Jonta
Where's the "remember" button? ;)
Doug McClean
I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.
Miral
+20  A: 

“If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.”

Source

farktronix
Took a while to get... lol!
chakrit
Finally a joke which models a more complete scenario of recursion, with a base case included!
Alderath
+28  A: 

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Light bulb works just fine on the machine on my desk...

Zero: that's a hardware problem.
Dinah
+22  A: 

Sex the UNIX way

# unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep

this is a duplicate
Rich Seller
If you're going to do more, do it!
Loren Pechtel
+2  A: 

The other day I almost died of hypothermia. I bought a big family sized bottle of shampoo, and went to take a shower. Then I made a big mistake: I read the directions. It said "Lather, rinse, repeat." It took three hours before that bottle was empty.

+30  A: 

WWJD? JWRTFM!

Jon Skeet would.
Ellery Newcomer
+1  A: 

Did you hear about the programmer who died of old age in the shower? He read the instructions on the shampoo bottle: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Who's been downvoting this? It's funny! +1 from me.
Mason Wheeler
This one has been duplicated at least 5 times now. Save your votes for the one that's already on page 1.
finnw
I'd say about 7 times so far
Samuel Carrijo
+5  A: 

A programmer on his way home finds a talking frog: "I'm a magical princess turned into a frog. Kiss me so that I will return to my natural form and we may live happily ever after." The programmer picks up the frog, looks at it for a while and then puts it in his pocket. Angrily, the frog starts shouting out of his pocket: "Why don't you kiss me? Surely you have never met someone as beautiful and rich as a princess before. This is a unique opportunity for you." To which the programmer responds: "I'm a programmer, what use do I have for a girlfriends? Now a talking frog... that's something else..."

mapleoin
+18  A: 

sql> DELETE FROM world.human_race WHERE iq < 100

Query OK, 3.45 billion rows affected (0.01 sec)···

Roshan
ROLLBACK; or COMMIT; ?
Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen
I would assume he's using mysql and has autocommit turned on.
epochwolf
Why Am I still here? :)
THEn
Database must have crashed. See if you're on the logs.
Jay
evil...but cool
Kai
Damn...i never knew my IQ was more than 100...feels good
Suraj Chandran
IQ 100 is defined as the intelligence of an average person; when the query (the queried?) is executed, the world collapse as every one but one is deleted.
Lie Ryan
i hope query is not executed recursively.
Nishu
+13  A: 

Q: How many IT Support people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Have you tried turning it Off and On?

(RSPCT2 The IT Crowd)

Have you tried turning it off and on *again*?
avakar
+9  A: 

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.

You might want to check the first page of this topic ;-)
Horst Gutmann
+8  A: 

Q. What sits on a communications engineer's shoulder and says "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"?

A. A parity error.

Oops. Eight and seven both have odd parity. You'll have to use something else like nine.
Windows programmer
I guess it's better than "twelve-and-a-half percent!"
staticsan
@Windows programmer: Isn't that the point?
Michael Myers
this is the 5th time the same joke has been repeated till now
Suraj Chandran
+3  A: 

Heard on a room with 2 programmers experts on secure coding:

"Security is not a process, it's a thread!"

+4  A: 

Q: What kind of modem did Jimi Hendrix have?

A: A Purple Hayes.

Gilimanjaro
+8  A: 

A guy join in a chat room and asks:

Q: "Does anybody here knows python language ?"
A: "Shhhh shhh shhhhh...."

Reference: http://bash.org/?400459
Blorgbeard
+61  A: 

Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.

csl
erm... that's just for truth
thecoshman
Doesn't mean it's still funny
Htbaa
Incomplete. It was something like "What's the difference between hardware and software? Software is what you curse, hardware is what you kick!"
catchmeifyoutry
+14  A: 

This one is terrible and awesome:

Q: How is a virgin like a stack?
A: First you push, then you pop.

FreeMemory
You're half right--it is terrible :)
CodeFusionMobile
+3  A: 

Did you hear about the programmer who was found drowned in her shower? She was found holding a bottle of shampoo. On the bottle were the instructions "Lather, Rinse, Repeat"

This is a duplicate.
Ghommey
+2  A: 

Here's a whole collection:

http://www.devtopics.com/best-programming-jokes/

+3  A: 

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but you will never change it back again.

+45  A: 

Might not be a joke, but certainly is a piece of humor:

Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I'll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems.

Jamie Zawinski

http://regex.info/blog/2006-09-15/247

labratmatt
It's a [1][Jamie Zawinski] quote - very talented, very funny programmer. [1]:http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jamie_Zawinski
jwhitlock
+11  A: 

A young woman is complaining to her friend "I've been married three times and I've never had sex!"

Her friend replies, "How is that possible?"

"Well," the woman says, "the first time I married for money, but he was old and he died on our wedding day.

"The second time I married for love, but he turned out to be gay."

"So what's wrong with this one?" the friend asks.

"Well, this one's a computer programmer. We've been married for five months, but so far all he does is sit at the end of the bed and tell me how great it's going to be!"

+3  A: 

ASCII stupid question and you'll get a stupid ANSI.

+93  A: 

"Java programming is like teenage sex ....

  • Everyone talks about it all of the time (but they don't really know what they're talking about);

  • Everyone claims to be doing it;

  • Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it;

  • Those few who are actually doing it:

    • Are not practicing it safely;

    • Are doing it poorly, and

    • Are sure it will be better next time."

+3  A: 

There are two things I want to do Before this life is done. They're write 5 lines of APL And make the buggers run.

cookre
+3  A: 

"A foo walks into a bar," sed awk.

+30  A: 

Not quite CS, but I'm sure it can be appreciated here:

"An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard.

After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.

A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.

This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny."

annakata
+21  A: 

UNIX is like eating insects.

It's all right once you get used to it.

Well unlike windows you CAN get used to it.
GameFreak
+103  A: 

Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet? They work below C-level.

aradnuk
This one is nice, but then again I like puns.
Nixuz
This is so first grade!
harpo
@harpo: You did assembly in first grade?
Michael Myers
+7  A: 

When a programmer goes to bed he sets out 2 glasses on his bedside table:

  • One glass is full of water, in case he wants to get a drink
  • One glass is empty, in case he doesn't
Raimonds Simanovskis
This is a duplicate from a year a year prior: http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke/234476#234476
Dennis Williamson
+35  A: 

How many Intel hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

1.0000000000001736442

But Its close enough for most people.

I'm surprised so many people got this, then again, it was a pretty big deal.
Sneakyness
I don't get it. What?
Biosci3c
+29  A: 

Optimist : The glass is half full. Pessimist : The glass is half empty. Coder: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

An engineer would say that, a coder would say that much mountain dew is not nearly enough to make my code complete.
Soldier.moth
I would say that the glass clearly has a memory leak.
indyK1ng
This was already mentioned
furtelwart
That's a George Carlin joke.
Mike Two
There are 10 types of people, those that post new jokes and those that repost existing ones.
Danny Varod
A duplicate of mine from over a year prior: http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke/237396#237396
Dennis Williamson
+567  A: 

["hip","hip"]

(hip hip array!)

hehehhehhee.. my favourite so far :)
Wouter van Nifterick
ajajajajjajajaa.. its great!
unkiwii
This one made coffee come out of my nose.
Banang
This one is really AWESOME! :D:D:D
Kevin D.
wow, I have never been so torn as to whether up- or down-vote... ;) +1
John Gietzen
That still makes me laugh and I've read it three times!
Matthew Jones
May I know which interactive shell throws this? LOL
KahWee Teng
My ruby would throw => ["hip", "hip"]
Galilyou
Oh dear. For a minute there, I thought that the second line was some kind of Lisp joke that I didn't understand.
hallidave
hallidave: #A('hip 'hip)
Svante
The c++ versionHip hip[];
CodeFusionMobile
rofl, that was such a groaner my first instinct was to down vote it... Which is why I am up-voting it:)
Oorang
I had to log in just to up-vote this one hehe
Jason
The Smalltalk version: #('hip' 'hip' 'Array') :-)
Bob Jarvis
It took me 1 whole minute to get this joke. At first I thought it was an interactive shell of some kind and I almost opened Google to know which one it is! :(
Leo Jweda
OMG, what's that "," thingy there between the "hip"'s? Offensive!!!
mlvljr
+2  A: 
var arr:Array = new Array ("c", "h", "i", "c", "k", "e", "n");
var temp:Object;
for (i=0; i< arr.length; i++) {
    trace (arr)
    temp = arr.shift();
    arr.push(temp)
}

(chicken ticker)

Could someone explain?
configurator
+5  A: 

Possibly apocryphal story: the first COBOL compiler for Unix systems was called RM COBOL - allegedly the people at the stand in the first trade show wondered why the attendees found the name so amusing...

+15  A: 

There are two types of people in this world: those who understand recursion and those who don't understand that there are two types of people in this world: ...

niXar
+14  A: 

Q: How many Pentium chip designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 0.999994637287432

+9  A: 

An old 1980s cartoon: two people in front of a computer - on the screen is the phrase "What's it worth to you?"

First person to second: "I hate corrupt disks!"

+7  A: 

When does a Boolean evaluated expression achieve orgasm?

After a while.

Paige Watson
+109  A: 

I know, not programmers, but most of us may get it...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on.

The bartender looks at the line going out the door,turns to the line and says "you guys suck!".

Then he pours two beers and walks away.

Paige Watson
What a pity I don’t get it, especially since the first line is so nice :-)
Ilya Birman
Ilya: Barmen often don't know how to add something that seems to be infinite. The solution to such a problem is s = (a1)/(1-k). Where a1 is the first number, and k is the constant rate of increase or decrease. k<1 means convergence, so you get s = (1)/(1-0,5) = 2 (If I'm not mistaken)
Jonta
they will never get to finish the two beers ! in theory!
Yassir
Man, this is awesome. "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar" should be like..a slogan for something.
dr Hannibal Lecter
Technically, the bartender gave them more than they asked for.
Cuga
@Cuga - Nope, he has just enough beer for all infinity of them.
kenj0418
@Yassir - It depends on how fast they drink. If mathematician #1 drinks his/her beer in 1 minute, and #2 takes 30 seconds, and #3 takes 15 seconds, etc. Then it will take exactly 2 minutes. Isn't infinity fun.
kenj0418
@kenj0418 - Enough, that is, if they're all willing to share the same glass.
Chris Lutz
I'd at least want to be the first mathematician to get at least half a beer, not the last guy. ;P
Gert
@Gert: there is no last guy
SnOrfus
@Cuga: I think technically 1.9999999... = 2.
Deniz Dogan
Typical mathematicians - thinking they drink beer in lab conditions, ignoring reality - it takes time to pass the glass to the next guy, so it cannot take only 2 minutes! And, by that time, the beer will be warm, so noone will want to drink it. Well, except maybe for mathematicians...
AviD
@Cuga: Nope, that's the nature of limits. Any amount of beer less than 2 (no matter how little) would eventually result in running out somewhere along the *infinite* queue.
Craig Young
i read infinite monkeys !
Nishu
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. - That's enough to be an anecdote. :)
topright
I would use Haskell for such problems: `giveBeerToMathGuys :: [MathGuy] -> [(MathGuy,Beer)];giveBeerToMathGuys m=beer m 1 where beer (x:xs) k = (x,makeBeer k) : beer xs (k/2)`
FUZxxl
Hey, a bartender's gotta know his limits.
harpo
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. Who said they were countably many? ... I like the joke more when they go in one by one...
Gleno
+112  A: 

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

Zaps
I spent my last vote of the day upvoting this :)
Hooray Im Helping
@Hooray: So did I.
Pillsy
+17  A: 

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exploits_of_a_mom.png

From xkcd.com

Skunk
just gotta love xkcd. :-D
fly.floh
Mrs Roberts comes back in later strips.
staticsan
+19  A: 
if (var1 == true)
{
    return true;
}
else if (var1 == false)
{
    return false;
}
else 
{
    return !true && ! false;
}
n-alexander
that's not a joke, but a bug.
lImbus
Blorgbeard
FILE_NOT_FOUND (http://thedailywtf.com/)
Richard
It's funnier if you apply De Morgan's law to the last return statement.
jeffamaphone
Aha - filenotfound rocks!
Arnis L.
I still didn't get the joke/bug. Can someone elaborate?
Jus12
+3  A: 

A rails applications walks into a restaurant and starts talking to the server. The server looks out the window then says "We don't serve your kind here".

+6  A: 

Bianry Joke

01010101000101111001010101010101010110101010101010000101111 11010010101010101010010101010101101010101010101010100010111 100101010101010101011010101010101000010111111010010101010101 010010101010101101010101010101010100010111100101010101010 1010110101010101010000101111110100101010101010100101010101 101010101010101101010101010100001011111101001010101010101 001010101010110101010101010101010001011110010101010101010 1011010101010101000010111111010010101010101010010101010 010101010101010100010111100101010101010101011010101010101 00010111111010010101010101010010101010101101010101010101010 1000101111001010101010101010110101010101010000101111110100101 01010101010010101010101101010101010101010100010111100101010101 0101010110101010101010000101111110100101010101010100101010 101011010101010101010101000101111001010101010101010110101010 10101000010111111010010101010101010010101010101101010101000000000000000002

I was about to paste this in a binary 2 ascii translator until i saw the '2' at the end.
Bolt_Head
This makes me think about Bender and his travelling back in time :).
Swim
I thought 2 was the guy's notation for end of signal. I would have used Z myself but hey.
Joshua
-1 Duplicate, also you told it wrong.
Andrew
thats not a joke, its a nightmare!
iamserious
+9  A: 

At a recent computer software engineering management course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

duplicate; already posted in this thread
phihag
Still a nice one :-)
Coentje
+1  A: 

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword and the programmer too!

+8  A: 

Whats common between beggars and software engineers? They both ask the same question when meeting another one of their kind; Which platform are you working on?

SDX2000
+7  A: 

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, its a hardware problem.

Steve Hayes
+4  A: 

Syntatic salt is bad for the colon

jumpinjackie
s/:/;/but_ignore_trailing_garbage_required_by_SO
Windows programmer
What do you think of syntactic sugar?
Tim Matthews
Syntactic sugar is bad for the semicolon?
OscarRyz
+18  A: 

God is real...unless declared integer

Andreas Grech
To really understand this, you should know a bit FORTRAN ;-) .
mh
@mh you are very uninformed. Real is floating point data type used in many languages.
Tim Matthews
@Ctrl Alt D-1337: Please don't call people uninformed so quickly. The joke is that in FORTRAN (at least some early version), variables with no explicit type were inferred from their first letter, and "G" meant `real`. See also http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fortran.
Michael Myers
+13  A: 

An inscription on the gravestone of a programmer reads:

General protection fault - 10.10.61

Runtime error - 23.09.1998

Buu Nguyen
I guess we could add "404 not found - 12.12.2008" :)
utku_karatas
I like how the first date is a 2 digit year since storage for 4 digit years would be expensive on 1961 hardware.
jmucchiello
Am I the only one that thinks it's sad how young he was when he passed?
Precision
+73  A: 

I guess my current favourite is:

"XML is like violence. If it doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough of it".

Andrew Rollings
Saw this on daily wtf ^^
Arnis L.
A: 

If it ain't broke, dont fix it

hmm
+13  A: 

Programs, like ships, sink in the C.

Loren Pechtel
+20  A: 

Software Development Cycles in use:

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

Users find 137 new bugs.

Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

hmm
It's funny because it's sad
Jens Roland
this is so true :D
Arnis L.
Amazing, amazing, amazing... Damn...it should be on the top of the list
Suraj Chandran
+50  A: 

A mathematician, a physicist, a civil engineer, and a computer programmer are asked (after a few beers) to show that all odd numbers greater than 1 are prime.

Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, by induction they're all prime.

Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime -- clearly, they're all prime.

Civil Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime -- sure, they're all prime.

Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime......

Mike Kantor
Duplicate but told better than the other one :)
Coentje
Apparently I've already upvoted this, but now I don't get it. Why does the programmer get stuck on 7?
Michael Myers
As i can understand he's stuck on the last prime nubmer found, since 9 isn't prime the program keeps looping there.
Anirudh Goel
I don't get it. That's clearly just a result of buggy code, and thus has no relevance to what a programmer would actually do. Oh, wait...
Ilari Kajaste
It's not a bug - it's a feature of implementing the requirement - to prove all odd numbers > 1 are prime, a good programmer always implements the requirements.
Danny Varod
i still dont get it
Joe Hopfgartner
+5  A: 

I can't believe this one is missing:

"God save the Queen, 8, 1"

Am I too old?

Aaron Digulla
You need to have owned a C64 with a 1541 to understand that one. :) The save command would accept two options: The drive (1=tape, 8=floppy) and the mode (0=relative(default) and 1=absolute)
Aaron Digulla
you're not too old, but very nerd.
Adriano Varoli Piazza
I think you're going to have to explain that one. At least to me...
gkrogers
"God save the Queen" is a popular sentence in the UK. In this case, it says "God can save the Queen on a floppy disk" which simply doesn't make sense but puts a grin on the face of any C=64 user ;)
Aaron Digulla
C=64 will never die
Neil N
+279  A: 

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:

Shepherd: “Okay.”

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,

Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”

The shepherd cheers,

Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,

Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

The young man answers;

Man: “Yes, why not?”

Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."

Man: “How did you know?”

Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"

Adeel Ansari
Thats great for so many reasons!
Brian Schimmel
Most Porsche's don't have a 'back'. They're 2-seater coupes ... ;-)
staticsan
In most Porsches, i think the engine is in the back........... unless of course if it was a Cayenne..
krebstar
lmfao... This reminds me of SAP consultants!
Eduardo León
last two words got me
drozzy
Cannot up vote as this would ruin the nice binary nature of the votes
Martlark
Excellent joke !
Myra
Porsche cars have *stereotypically* had mid-engine air-cooled designs (of course they have now switched to water-cooled engines with the addition of a questionable model under the branding). The 928 and 944 models are prime counter-examples as they are front-engine water-cooled designs.
pst
In Serbia, we use this joke for agricultural engineers.
AndrejaKo
+31  A: 

Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science

Wire wrapped board. Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

melaos
Being myself a Electronical Engineer turned Software Developer....
Mario Ortegón
And I would have used a mechanical countdown knob (you've seen those right?).
Joshua
....... TLDR ;-)
corlettk
TL;DR. I can't upvote a comment with bad grammar.
Sneakyness
+16  A: 

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

tksy
On a programming website, the punchline should be "That was just a prototype."
jmucchiello
Or "that was the demo version."
Mason Wheeler
haha, yea like the prototype punchline better.
melaos
I know that in a version like "That was the advertising department".
mh
+5  A: 
Actually, PHB said they'll need more eunuch programmers, and Dilbert asks him if he means Unix.
OregonGhost
Actually, PHB says, "We need more eunech programmers". Dilbert says "I think you mean Unix programmers", and the PHB says "If the company nurse stops by, tell her never mind."
gkrogers
I don't get it, why "never mind"?
alamodey
Because he funcked up the joke and now it not funny anymore. http://tijil.org/gallery/d/265-1/dilbert-eunuch-c.jpg
Tim Matthews
No it is intensely funny.
ojblass
+4  A: 
A programmer started to cuss
'Cause getting to sleep was a fuss   
  As he lay there in bed  
  Was looping thru his head:  
{while(!asleep()) sheep++;}
Dude, I bout died laughing on this one!
NTDLS
This is a dupe. Vote up same answer instead of re-answering.
Tim Matthews
+36  A: 

A snippet of a conversation that I found rather amusing from bash.org:

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vacuums 
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense? 
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool? 
<TheXPhial> lava?
BenAlabaster
http://bash.org/?99835
sirlancelot
WIN!
Cyclone
How exactly is this a programmer joke?
Beska
@Beska: Read it like ThXPhial keeps interrupting what Guo_Si was trying to get across with pointless interjections and Guo_Si was getting frustrated with not being able to finish - *then* it's funny.
BenAlabaster
@Beska: People who have read it here are programmers, that's how.
Anax
+41  A: 

What is the definition of programmer?

Programmers are machines that turn coffee into code.

driAn
Actually, a programmer is a tool that converts caffeine into code.
OregonGhost
I object to being called a tool :P
BenAlabaster
The original quote is "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." by Paul Erdős.
blizpasta
+11  A: 

Why don't people like C programmers? Because they have no class.

Xavi
+15  A: 
Question: what do you call your programming methodology?
Answer: Faith based development. You code and then pray that it works
i know about that.. (sadly)
unkiwii
+4  A: 

True story:

We had some very heavy snow a few weeks ago, and when I got in to work I got an email from a coworker:

"in case you have not been watching the news, the pd is asking people to stay clear from the peripheral roads unless completely necessary.

i will be doing just that and recommend you do the same.

many of those roads are not being plowed to the point that we are not getting bus traffic or even garbage collection."

That might have been useful to me had I received the email before I left, but it didn't come in until after I actually arrived at the office. So I wrote back:

"Meh. I'll be fine. I'm a Delphi coder. A lack of garbage collection has never scared me."

Mason Wheeler
But your keystrokes will never reach RAM without bus traffic.
Windows programmer
*laughs* Not bad!
Mason Wheeler
+127  A: 

A programmer is sent to the grocery store with instructions to "buy butter and see whether they have eggs, if they do, then buy 10."

Returning with 10 butters, the programmer says, "they had eggs."

I absolutely love this one! It's a perfect example of ambiguity in action. +1
Jonathan
shouldnt he have ended up with 11?
Svish
10 butters makes more sense than 10 eggs. I've only seen eggs in cartons of 12 around here.
epochwolf
I would throw a syntax error in her face. See what i mean:buy(butter)if (eggs>10) buy(x)
Arnis L.
This one made me laugh more than any other one in the list. Nice work!
digitaljoel
11 ? no... if eggs are found replace buy butter with buy 10 butters.it's an if condition : either you buy butter and you buy 10
Silence
buy_butter(1) if not have_eggs() else buy_butter(10)
kaizer.se
Man, this one is funny!
Cshift3iLike
@epochwolf - The store uses base 12
Baddie
My thoughts ended up in 10 butters.. It's even true =O
Brammie
+56  A: 

Not really programming related, but still funny:

A mathematician asks an engineer a question, "Here are 5 birds in the tree, if I shoot one, how many are left?"

The engineer answers, "0, since the birds will all fly away when they hear the gunshot."

"The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think" said the mathematician.

The engineer then says, "Well then, I will ask you a question. Three women are sitting on the park bench eating ice cream. The first one is licking it, the second one swallows the ice cream and starts sucking on the cone, the third takes a bite out of the ice cream, which one is married?"

The mathematician blushes and answers: "The second one?"

The engineer then says, "Wrong, the answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

yx
There are still 5 birds left. One is no longer referenced, but you'll have to wait for the garbage collector to dispose of it.
AndyM
@AndyM I like the way you think.
Dian
+14  A: 
jedihawk
+22  A: 
jedihawk
That was awesome. Finally, an explanation of why no one makes backups.
Windows programmer
lol awesome ... this realy really make me laugh
OscarRyz
TLDR!    
iamserious
+5  A: 

Lisp joke: My other car is a cdr.

Perfect for a sticker on the car. :)

Tommy
+4  A: 

Picked from real life:

-The client was keeping on sending those presence packets.
-Until what ?
-True !

MatthieuP
+14  A: 

Q: Is the Glass half-full or half-empty?

A: The Glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Genericrich
This is a duplicate of mine from a couple of months prior: http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke/237396#237396
Dennis Williamson
stop crying dennis. he couldn't possibly have seen it in all of these answers
Eric
+3  A: 

A: hey, can I ask you something? B: yes, you can. A: SELECT * FROM

Matias
+8  A: 

The Amiga had a concept of screens. You could pull them down and see other screens with other apps behind them.

I wrote a little hack that scrolled the front screen down one pixel every 30 seconds and put it on all the Amigas in the company.

People didn't know what the hell was going on. They were working and their front screen would gradually work its way down. They had to keep grabbing the mouse and pulling it up.

Nosredna
I wrote a DOS TSR app (pre-windows) that copied the first alphanumeric page from 0xb800:0 to the second page and set up the display hardware to show the second page. The copy mirrored the data top to bottom. It also remapped the character image tables so it looked like the screen was upside down.
Skizz
I also wrote a TSR that hooked the keyboard interrupt and occasionally replaced the text the user typed with predefined phrases. Ah, the fun that was had being a student!
Skizz
+39  A: 

This is as far as I know anonymous.

PROGRAMMER'S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
with hopes that a miracle would soon be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete!
on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete!
His eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk;

And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
the systems came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
the inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The users' last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

Jim Blizard
That was awesome.
David Anderson
Tres bon, the end makes it all worth it.
tj111
+5  A: 

Can you C#?

Przemek
I heard it as a music joke: "It's icy out--you'd better C♯ or you'll B♭!"
Michael Myers
+9  A: 

What says "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven?"

A parroty error

Patrick McDonald
I have to upvote it, just for being so cheesy
Neil Aitken
duplicate (15chars)
Samuel Carrijo
+13  A: 

Programming a bombBaghdad function is immoral, a good programmer will always write a bombCity function and have Baghdad passed in as an argument.

Sam
+! Good one. Can the argument be a pointer too?
ArunSaha
+11  A: 
                         GOOGLE



  __ Web   __ Images   __ Groups   __ News   __ Froogle


Please print query clearly:  _____________________________


    Mail to: Google Search Request
             1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
             Mountain View, CA 94043


        Please allow four to six weeks for results.

Source: http://fury.com/google-circa-1960.php

Ates Goral
Programming-related for those of us who use Google as a reference / troubleshooting guide while coding.
Ates Goral
+2  A: 

what does LISP stand for: Lotsa Irritating Stupid Parentheses

gnomixa
it's a XKCD joke
unkiwii
Believe me, that joke is way older than that. Long time before Internet existed I heard "Lotsa Insignificant Stupid Parentheses".
Stefan
It even has a french counterpart called "Langage insipide saturé de parenthèse" which translates as "Language Insipid Saturated with Parenthesis"
Eric
+62  A: 

The word "algorithm" was coined to recognise Al Gore's contribution to computer science.

alamodey
Yeah!!! He invented the Internet single-handedly!
Eduardo León
What? you claim that Al Gore has rhythm?
Brian Postow
I can forgive Al Gore a lot, thanks to his Futurama appearances.
Daniel Earwicker
The thing is, I can imagine people thinking it's name after him rather than Muhammad ibn Mūsā al-Khwārizmī
Pete Kirkham
+53  A: 

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

BBetances
My grandpa told me a non-CS variant of this several years ago. It went something like this:A young man finds a genie's lamp. He rubs it, and out pops the genie. "For freeing me from the lamp, I shall grant you one wish," the genie says.The man thinks for a moment, then says "I wish for a road to Hawaii."The genie gasps. "What a thing to ask for! Even for me it would take years to complete! Do you have a simpler wish?"The man thinks long and hard this time, then he says "I wish to understand women."The genie looks at the man, sighs, and says "You want two or four lanes on that road?"
bcat
+217  A: 

If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.

JoelFan
First one to really make me laugh out loud.
tj111
Same here. Laughed out loud.
Patrik
And I passed it my member variable.
Brian Schroth
Same here. Holy crap.
Isaac Lubow
+7  A: 

Question: Why is the heap the sexiest part of C++? Answer: It's where all the new'ed variables are.

tjdonaldson
+17  A: 

Documentation is like sex... When it is bad, it is better than nothing. When it is good, it is really-really good.

WishKnew
And sometimes you have to pay for it.
sli
+6  A: 

The doctor, the artist and the programmer are discussing whether it is better to have wife or a lover. The doctor says:"It is better to have a wife who can stand by you all the time". The artist says:"To me it is better to have a lover. This way I get more inspiration". And the programmer says:"I have both. When I'm not with my wife she thinks I'm with my lover, when I'm not with my lover she thinks I'm with my wife so this way I can program all the time"

niko
+3  A: 

points at whiteboard and say it's already written in whitespace

mikelikespie
+52  A: 
devdimi
+9  A: 

2 + 2 = 5 (for large values of 2)

Conrad
+15  A: 

I'm sorry for my terrible English, but my native language is Pascal.

pritaeas
my native is Qbasic, my programming was born there :p
Omar Abid
I'm sorry for my terrible english, but my native language is APL... (My chinese is better, indeed)
FUZxxl
+51  A: 

A bad one I just thought up...

I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.

gnovice
Not too bad, actually, made me laugh a bit :P
SirDemon
+50  A: 

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

instcode
rofl @ inherit them
Eduardo León
+6  A: 

Programmer to friend looking at attractive girl at a bar: "If she's half as cute when she's twice as close, from four times the distance away she'll be twice as cute."

Webjedi
I'd say your math is off, but in any case, she can't ever be more than a ten.
TokenMacGuy
+1  A: 

Best Example for Recursion::

Sign board:: OFFER $10 Only* ---> *Conditions Apply*

Deepak N
+6  A: 

I told this to my girlfriend today under a discussion, might fit here.

"Every time you open your mouth what you say starts in a catch a and ends in a finaly!"

I just understood afterward that she didn't understood what i was trying to say with that sentence.

fmsf
reference to the Try catch finnaly
fmsf
Can't she say anything that doesnt make you unwind your stack? :)
NTDLS
+8  A: 

COBOL stands for: Compiles Only Because Of Luck.

Surely it's: Completely Obsolete Business Orientated Language
Skizz
+5  A: 

BASIC programmers eat Dim Sum for breakfast.

Uros Dimitrijevic
+1  A: 

I liked this collection too much: http://www.devtopics.com/best-programming-jokes/

Amr ElGarhy
+60  A: 

My Favourite Joke About Recursion

Jens Roland
The first My Favourite Joke About Recursion was funnier ;)
Liran Orevi
How come there is a "first" in recursion but no "last"
JCasso
There is, but no-one has got to it yet.
Georg Fritzsche
Ah man. I hate you. :)
Steve Syfuhs
lol this is pretty funny
LnDCobra
I clicked too often, till I got it xD
Keenora Fluffball
Nice. :) You got me.
pymendoza
+297  A: 

Command line Russian roulette

[ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf / || echo *Click*
mxc
Is it bad that I'm really tempted to try this?
Jeremy Huiskamp
Is it bad that I actually did this?
drvdijk
Is it bad that I lost?
Cyclone
Is it bad that NO CARRIER
Lepidosteus
Note for OS/X users, the barrel is completely loaded.
Evert
Redhat Roulette.
Mark Hammonds
Evert: what do you mean? I tried a bunch of iterations of `$[ $RANDOM % 6]` and got a barrel with only one loaded bullet...
Tim
Ask yourself - Are you feeling lucky today?
mxc
Damn, this is scarier than actual Russian roulette. At least with the real thing you don't have to deal with the consequences.
Manos Dilaverakis
Rubber bullet. :(rm: cannot remove root directory `/'
mwc
16.67% chance of getting it all done! Funny!
Jronny
Jordan Ryan Moore
Yeah, I like Jordan Ryan Moore's version a bit more!!! Damn, what happens if you do this as root? Do you still get the error message or do you end your life? x_o
Morlock
haha the 3 first comments rocked!
weng
I'm not sure this is how Russian Roulette works; for one, after six shots, you are *guaranteed* to have a fire.
Justin L.
It won't work - you need a --no-preserve-root
fahadsadah
@Justin L: [Here is a fix](http://pastebin.org/466931). Every time you run it, your chance of "dying" increases, and on the 6th time you are guaranteed to "die".
tj111
+7  A: 

Opposites attract...

Wife: "I'll be right back!" Me: "I'll be left forward."

eduncan911
A: 

Your mom is so fat, the recursive function computing the size of her ass causes a stack overflow

flashk
Somehow, there is a recursive 'your Momma' joke hidden in here, but it eluded you.
guns
It made me laugh because it's so stupid.
titaniumdecoy
+8  A: 
don't know whether to laugh
Xinus
+4  A: 

A couple get lost in the fog somewhere in the north west. Happening upon a large wall, which the soon discover is a window, they began to pound on the glass while screaming for help.

Moments later a few faint faces appear behind the glass.

The couple yell, but the glass is thick. Neither side can hear the other.

The woman takes out her lipstick and draws on the glass:

"EW ERA EREHW" ('where are we' in reverse.)

The faces dissappear behind the glass and soon reemerge with a large sign that says:

"YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS"

The woman laughs and says, "Oh, we're in Redmond, WA, just outside of Microsoft's Headquarters"

The husband is amazed and asks how she could know that.

"Because", she replies, "the answer to my question was so worthless and unhelpful that it could only be Microsoft."

42
Actually, it should be "technically, the answer is 100% correct but completely worthless and unhelpful ..." :)
Aaron Digulla
+57  A: 

The women I went to university with had this to say about their chances of meeting guys in our CS department : "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

Tim
I've heard the same said about internet dating.
Steve Melnikoff
I thought that was a CMU thing :-)
scraimer
+3  A: 

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

Swim
hahahah! But ewwwwww! hahahah!
SirDemon
Just be glad he wasn't required to show his work!
Swim
You've got it wrong, "The constipated mathematician who broke his slide rule had to work it out with logs"
TokenMacGuy
disgusting ..! BLEKGH!
hasen j
That one is so not funny, it's not funny.
Michael Myers
I thought it was an engineer.
Andrew
+23  A: 

I read not to use my cat's name as a password, but over these years I've really got used to "B-43%^!n#[email protected]"...

Totophil
I don't know why I think this is so funny but it is. Its like the old joke why did hellen kellers dog run away... you would too if your name was UUUUUUDFDFSDFSDFHSHDFHSDF!
ojblass
This one is great. Made me laugh
Pim Jager
Actually the joke went, why did Hellen Keller's dog run away - because she called him uuuurgh, why did her husband run away - because she called him by the dog's name.
Danny Varod
Why don't you just call your cat "[email protected]" for short?
Jim Schubert
+188  A: 

A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.

One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.

The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.

On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.

One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!"

Jesse Smith
This one is hilarious -
Michael
Brilliant, must try that one
Shahmir Javaid
Ok, I hurt myself.
cplotts
I laughed really hard on this one. Do farts have lumps?
Tim Post
This one is quite funny, but way older than programming (not older than engineers, though) :-)
Rasmus Kaj
+7  A: 

I always like to respond to a really technical insanely deep question with "Does your Dungeon Master still talk to you?"

ojblass
As an avid Role-player, I find this one both offensive and funny :P
SirDemon
LMAO, good one but do kids even play D)
Mike Bethany
Maybe it should switch to does your LARP leader know you are not practicing right now?
ojblass
+4  A: 

if only you and dead people can read hex, how many people can read hex?

Carlo
That would make deae people who can read hex ...
soulmerge
count me in. now only deaf people can read hex!
hasen j
That is a lot of people! or just one...
thecoshman
+60  A: 

.NET is called .NET so that it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing.

SteD
I love it! Great :-)
Luc M
ls *,.* - when I was a student I got graded down on an exercise for producing different search results (guess I was the only one to find all hidden files and to search in directories with spaces in the names).
Danny Varod
That was supposed to say star comma dot star :-)
Danny Varod
+6  A: 

This (long but great) joke in one of its reincarnations is one of my favourites: (http://hulubei.net/tudor/humor/sysadmins.html). Did not see it posted in this thread yet...

I'll post the start of the joke, you can read the rest at the URL above...

__

There are four major species of Unix sysadmins:

1. The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, and maybe also perl.

2. The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.

3. The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.

4. The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers

Situations:

1. Low Disk Space

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.

MANIAC:

# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;

IDIOT:

# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress

2. Excessive CPU Usage

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

MANIAC:

# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

IDIOT:

# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

3. New Account Creation

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."

IDIOT:

# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
Root Disk Fails

... READ THE REST OF THIS JOKE HERE...

ChristopheD
+23  A: 

Heisenberg gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg answers, “No, but I know exactly where I am!”

Dinah
-1: the joke's good, but it's not a programming joke.
SnOrfus
Although it's not a programming joke, this one is absolutely AWESOME!
Kevin D.
This reminds me of Futurama, The Professor in the races quantum finish: "No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it"Not programming related but funny =P
Carlo
gr8 ...................
Joe Hopfgartner
+6  A: 

Here's a personal one:

Programming really is like practicing magic. But C++ is a broken staff.

Andrei Vajna II
A: 

What do you call a webform that duplicates itself early in the year?

A febworm! (inward groan)

NoCarrier
+9  A: 

I always loved this one:

God is real, unless declared integer.

...and got more...

  • "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
  • COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
  • Daddy, what does FDISK do?
  • Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
  • How to double your hard drive space: Delete Windows.
  • Keyboard missing, press F13 to continue.
  • OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]"
  • Undocumented features will rule the Earth!
  • What?!? DOSSHELL isn't supposed to be a joke?
  • Wherever you go, there you are.
  • Bad command or operator
  • External Error : INTELLIGENCE not found !
  • Always make a backup copy of your sex partner !
  • Critical ERROR : Use hammer.
  • Shut power down & press any key !
  • All protective devices failed, call GhostBusters
  • ATENTION!: High voltage on keyboard !
  • All viruses found.
  • Your mouse is hungry!
  • Memory failed. Use paper.
  • All rights released.
Peter Perháč
does it make any sense to post, when you know your post will be shown on the ELEVENTH page... ?
Peter Perháč
@masterpeter it will show to some body before getting buried on the 100 page!
Omar Abid
I order by "Newest", and suspect that a lot of people that visits this wiki do it as well.
Fredy Treboux
omg, i just noticed... thanks :$
Peter Perháč
Sounds like someone had been rummaging in FidoNet tagline archives. :-)
staticsan
+3  A: 

What would happen if you ran lint on your belly button?

Todd Stout
+7  A: 

I remember a very long one about Microsoft but I forgot where I read it, here's a part

...Your name is Bill Gates, so why are you selling us Windows??...

Omar Abid
A: 

There are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who don't.

Ash
There are 10 types of people in the world... ones who get this joke and those that have regular sex.
ojblass
11 types actually as I'm getting both :P
Maciek
-1 This is a duplicate
Andrew
There are 10 types of people, those that write new jokes and those that rewrite old jokes.
Danny Varod
ii read this joke 10 times . Note: here 10 is decimal.
nicky
+1  A: 

After spending a night with Divine Brown, Bill Gates turns to her in the bed and says "I understand now why they call you Divine Brown. She turns back to him and says "And I now understand why you called your company Micro - Soft"

SirDemon
+16  A: 

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about Warnings, we only worry about Errors."

Access Denied
Haha that was funny
Asad Khan
+35  A: 

Year 2014. Little girl asks her mommy. - Mommy who is this man that always sit on computer and always talks to himself? - He is your dad. He is a programmer. Several years ago he found website called Stackoverflow.com and ...

THEn
... got stuck to the damn thread named "Programmer Jokes — what’s your best one?" (Reading for almost an hour now^^)
Kevin D.
@kevin: lol! enough to read page 7 xD
Andrea Ambu
doh! Touché? . . . . .
OscarRyz
lol im in the same situation!
LnDCobra
+1  A: 

Q: Why was the first customer at a restaurant served last?

A: They took orders using a stack.

blizpasta
lulz .
acidzombie24
Is this supposed to be funny?
Leo Jweda
LOL! That made my day!
+29  A: 

A scrupulous and honest programmer checked his receipt from a convenience store and found they had neglected to charge him for the new cigarette taxes recently mandated by congress. He wrestled with his conscience about returning the money and pointing out the mistake, but in the end he decided it best to make an exception for the sin tax error.

Lance Kidwell
ow.
Beska
+7  A: 

Maybe It was told before. - Windows user's car got broken. He gets out and gets back in.

THEn
...and closes and re-opens all the windows...
Jeffrey Kemp
+7  A: 

Not a joke, per se, but just something that I witnessed last week:

I have a slightly ditzy friend who's gotten her CS degree and started working remotely for an outsourcing company. I watched as this conversation unfolded between her and another dude-friend of mine:

Ditzy: Why doesn't it work?

Dude: Well, you're assigning a new value to an argument you got in the function. That overwrites the old value.

Ditzy: But put that value in using a hex!

Dude: What?

Ditzy: Yeah! I thought it made it more magical!

Turns out she thought that values written in hex are magical and don't take up storage, so that you can store as many of them as you want in a single variable, and the compiler will magically access the value you meant it to.

scraimer
Seriously? (ok, in a joke thread...) how can someone gat a CS degree with that impression???
Brian Postow
Unfortunately, this is a true story.
scraimer
Wow. You might want to help your ditzy friend out...encourage them to learn assembly...
Paul Nathan
There are programmer out there that will simply ignore concepts like hexadecimal notation, and flail blindly at the keyboard until they calm down.
scraimer
totally believable. I remember a (male) classmate at Uni complain to the lecturer that "you can't take divide by a negative number!"
Jeffrey Kemp
+15  A: 

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)
Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it

fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them

uniform?

Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all

machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for

re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of

the

two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the

bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??

Result-----------------------

Prashant
i feel like crying...its so nostalgic :(
Suraj Chandran
hahahaha its so true!
Joe Hopfgartner
+6  A: 

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just declare darkness™ a standard.

(Funny, but not a MS hater)

Chad Grant
+131  A: 
Stijn Sanders
Very inspired !
Wartin
awesome
Myra
+1 for linkkkkkkkkkk
Xinus
+12  A: 

Funny computer quotes

Here are just a few: "If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

Sohail Anwar
:D the paperclip one
Peter Perháč
+6  A: 

"If you can read this, thank a Software Developer." - Joseph M. Abou Nader

"A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?"" - Anonymous

"Software is like sex: it's better when it's free." - Linus Thorvalds

"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool." - Joseph Costello

My website http://www.SoftwareQuotes.com - has lot of quotations about programmers, software development and computers. Here is a link to some funny quotes: http://www.softwarequotes.com/popularquotes.aspx?tagname=funny

Imageree
+18  A: 

So, there were two blind programmers, however, one did C.

(Works better when spoken loud, and probably even better in Swedish. Still funny as hell tough. :)

Marcus Lindblom
Just curious... why is it better in Swedish?
Matthew Crumley
Because the last phrase, you usually say 'one knew C' and/or 'one could C' and knew/could is the same word in Swedish (kunde) in this context, so it makes the play on words more straightforward.
Marcus Lindblom
It is still good :)
ojblass
works in norwegian too. Nice, hehe.
Svish
But is "see" still prounounced like "C"?
Precision
@Precision: Correct.
Marcus Lindblom
+64  A: 

"I don't see women as objects. I consider each to be in a class of her own." ;-)

Marcus Lindblom
lol! nerd flattery!
thecoshman
Could not find Girl in class Room.
Markus
@thecoshman: Indeed. It also shows that each woman has a completely different set of issues and you need to learn them anew each time you meet a new one. :)
Marcus Lindblom
+87  A: 

Intelligent Design Sort

Introduction

Intelligent design sort is a sorting algorithm based on the theory of intelligent design.

Algorithm Description

The probability of the original input list being in the exact order it's in is 1/(n!). There is such a small likelihood of this that it's clearly absurd to say that this happened by chance, so it must have been consciously put in that order by an intelligent Sorter. Therefore it's safe to assume that it's already optimally Sorted in some way that transcends our naïve mortal understanding of "ascending order". Any attempt to change that order to conform to our own preconceptions would actually make it less sorted.

Analysis

This algorithm is constant in time, and sorts the list in-place, requiring no additional memory at all. In fact, it doesn't even require any of that suspicious technological computer stuff. Praise the Sorter!

fbinder
Just because someone caused/created a collection in the original order doesn't mean that order is always the ideal sorted order. Every list is created/generated by someone or something. A list can be "out of order" based on other criteria. In a sense, all lists are originally created to be "sorted" based on some criteria (the criteria used to select/create the list).
Josh G
Hmm, I thought this was just supposed to be a joke.
fbinder
@fbinder: Someone didn't get it. <subtle gesture in Josh's direction>
gnovice
So would this sorting algorithm be O(0), since it actually doesn't have to do anything and thus takes *no* time to sort it?
gnovice
@gnovice - It is O(1). Big-O notation does not take into account the actual time for the algorithm to do it's dirty work - just how the algorithm scales, so O(1) is constant - it takes the same amount of time for all inputs and O(n) takes twice as long for double-sized inputs. The point is that an O(n) algorithm can be faster than an O(1) one for some inputs, because the O(n) one might be "quick-and-dirty" and the O(1) might jump through some hoops. There is still a constant multiplier for time, and in this case, that multiplier would be 0.
Chris Lutz
Chris is technically right, but considering the context, I like O(0)
David Zaslavsky
@fbinder: The trick is, it's only as much a joke as intelligent design itself...
Ilari Kajaste
This assumes a probability > 0.
Leigh Riffel
+51  A: 

It compiles! Let's ship it.

soulmerge
Please don't go there.
epochwolf
Made me laugh so much!
Jader Dias
Sadly, this is usually not said as a joke.
jmucchiello
Oh, the question was about jokes? Guess I posted the answer in the wrong tab ;)
soulmerge
+261  A: 

Richard Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on computer science was the greatest.

Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"

Torvalds: "Well, God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"

Knuth: "Wait, wait, I never said that."

Robert J. Walker
"Stop the world, I want to write it all down!" - Knuth
Daniel Earwicker
Shouldn't it be "I never said any of that" or "said either of those things"?
jmucchiello
Accuracy bows to humor. Shorter punchlines are generally funnier. :)
Robert J. Walker
I'm sorry, this one should be be near the top. +1. Hahahaha.
cplotts
@Robert J. Walker - that's because surprise is a (the) critical element in humor, and a terse punchline doesn't start to parse until it's already over. i.e. you don't see it coming. So yep ;-)
phkahler
+11  A: 

Administrator = Admin is traitor

THEn
+26  A: 

I always love the following poke at Java from Steve Yegge:

A popular nursery rhyme in Javaland

For the lack of a nail,
    throw new HorseshoeNailNotFoundException("no nails!");

For the lack of a horseshoe,
    EquestrianDoctor.getLocalInstance().getHorseDispatcher().shoot();

For the lack of a horse,
    RidersGuild.getRiderNotificationSubscriberList().getBroadcaster().run(
      new BroadcastMessage(StableFactory.getNullHorseInstance()));

For the lack of a rider,
    MessageDeliverySubsystem.getLogger().logDeliveryFailure(
      MessageFactory.getAbstractMessageInstance(
        new MessageMedium(MessageType.VERBAL),
        new MessageTransport(MessageTransportType.MOUNTED_RIDER),
        new MessageSessionDestination(BattleManager.getRoutingInfo(
                                        BattleLocation.NEAREST))),
      MessageFailureReasonCode.UNKNOWN_RIDER_FAILURE);

For the lack of a message,
    ((BattleNotificationSender)
      BattleResourceMediator.getMediatorInstance().getResource(
        BattleParticipant.PROXY_PARTICIPANT,
        BattleResource.BATTLE_NOTIFICATION_SENDER)).sendNotification(
          ((BattleNotificationBuilder)
            (BattleResourceMediator.getMediatorInstance().getResource(
            BattleOrganizer.getBattleParticipant(Battle.Participant.GOOD_GUYS),
            BattleResource.BATTLE_NOTIFICATION_BUILDER))).buildNotification(
              BattleOrganizer.getBattleState(BattleResult.BATTLE_LOST),
              BattleManager.getChainOfCommand().getCommandChainNotifier()));

For the lack of a battle,
    try {
        synchronized(BattleInformationRouterLock.getLockInstance()) {
          BattleInformationRouterLock.getLockInstance().wait();
        }
    } catch (InterruptedException ix) {
      if (BattleSessionManager.getBattleStatus(
           BattleResource.getLocalizedBattleResource(Locale.getDefault()),
           BattleContext.createContext(
             Kingdom.getMasterBattleCoordinatorInstance(
               new TweedleBeetlePuddlePaddleBattle()).populate(
                 RegionManager.getArmpitProvince(Armpit.LEFTMOST)))) ==
          BattleStatus.LOST) {
        if (LOGGER.isLoggable(Level.TOTALLY_SCREWED)) {
          LOGGER.logScrewage(BattleLogger.createBattleLogMessage(
            BattleStatusFormatter.format(BattleStatus.LOST_WAR,
                                         Locale.getDefault())));
        }
      }
    }

For the lack of a war,
    new ServiceExecutionJoinPoint(
      DistributedQueryAnalyzer.forwardQueryResult(
        NotificationSchemaManager.getAbstractSchemaMapper(
          new PublishSubscribeNotificationSchema()).getSchemaProxy().
            executePublishSubscribeQueryPlan(
              NotificationSchema.ALERT,
              new NotificationSchemaPriority(SchemaPriority.MAX_PRIORITY),
              new PublisherMessage(MessageFactory.getAbstractMessage(
                MessageType.WRITTEN,
                new MessageTransport(MessageTransportType.WOUNDED_SURVIVOR),
                new MessageSessionDestination(
                  DestinationManager.getNullDestinationForQueryPlan()))),
              DistributedWarMachine.getPartyRoleManager().getRegisteredParties(
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_KING ||
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_GENERAL ||
                PartyRoleManager.PARTY_AMBASSADOR)).getQueryResult(),
        PriorityMessageDispatcher.getPriorityDispatchInstance())).
      waitForService();

All for the lack of a horseshoe nail.
Tim Lin
For those that don't have the correct import for cultural references: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_want_of_a_nail
Ilari Kajaste
+5  A: 

I like to misquote Jerry Maguire

"You had me at Hello World"

ojblass
aawwwnnn ( ....... .)
OscarRyz
+5  A: 

There was a computer scientist walking down the sidewalk when he noticed a frog hopping up and down in front of him. When he got close the frog suddenly spoke: "Help me I am a beautiful Princess but I have been turned into a frog by an evil witch!"

The computer scientist picked up the frog and put it in his pocket, then continued his walk to work.

The frog piped up out of his pocket "I am a beautiful Princess and I have wealth and riches. If you kiss me and break the spell we can be married and you can rule my kingdom." but the computer scientist ignored the frog and continued walking along.

Eventually he reached his lecture hall, and took the frog out of his pocket. The frog looked at him and asked "I have offered you riches, and my kingdom, and marriage to a beautiful Princess. Why won't you help me?"

He answered "Well I'm a computer scientist, so I'm not interested in girls, but a Talking Frog is Really Neat!"

joeytwiddle
+29  A: 

Q: What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A: A computer will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

Velika
Now it accepts tiny little USB Flash disks LOL ...
THEn
When is the last time you saw a 3.5" Floppy?
ojblass
Wait... don't answer that.
ojblass
HAHAHHAHAA ojblass
Petey B
So you could brag about using an old BBC basic then!!!
Sohnee
Baby you make my floppy turn into a hard drive.
CodeFusionMobile
+38  A: 

These are real quotes from people I know:


Programmer 1: "We'll have to do a keycapture..."

Programmer 2: {interrupting} "..yeah and they're fast f**kers."


Programmer 1: "Sounds like user error to me."

Programmer 2: "Yeah, they shouldn't have used it."


Programmer 1: Looking at a resume... "Whats a Senor Application Developer?"

Programmer 2: "That's a Mexican programmer..."

Mike Bethany
Last one was good :-)
Danny Varod
Only the last one was good
MAK
where the hell do you work!!
medopal
Yes only last one was really funny
Shervin
Context is everything. The first one was one was on a conference call to a client... luckily they have the same sense of humor as us so we didn't get fired.
Mike Bethany
The second one sounds like a Statler and Waldorf joke.
siride
+56  A: 

An optimist person will say that the glass is half-full.

A pessimist person will say that the glass is half-empty.

A programmer will say that the glass is twice as large as necessary.

Martin Cote
I've always thought of it as if you are filling up the glass, then it's half full. If you are drinking from the glass, then it's half empty.
Chris Persichetti
More an engineer. If a programmer was designing a glass, I'd be afraid to drink from it.
Andrei Krotkov
I think this joke is more in terms of data structures. "This array is twice as large as necessary."
Martin Cote
If a programmer was designing a glass, when it reached half full, the glass would be replaced by a new glass, twice as large, and all the liquid poured into the new one, so as to achieve amortized constant time glass filling.
Eclipse
@Martin Cote - the problem is that your thinking about jokes as data structures.
Chris Lutz
Which reminds me of the classic advice to salesman: Don't say the glass is half empty. Say it's full.
Jay
The programmer should just think the glass is padded.
jmucchiello
unsigned glass ;)
valya
A duplicate of mine from > 6 months prior: http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke/237396#237396
Dennis Williamson
A sysadmin would shout about how some user drank from his glass.
Noufal Ibrahim
The glass would simply be null terminated
Joe D
+9  A: 

Young Child: Mum, when I grow up I want to be a {insert least favourite programming language here} programmer.

Mother: You'll have to make you're mind up, Son. You won't be able to do both.

Barry Carr
+20  A: 

Not really a joke, but this makes me smile.

The three most dangerous things in the world are:

  1. A programmer with a soldering iron.
  2. A hardware type with a program patch.
  3. A user with an idea.
Pauk
I can attest that a programmer with a soldering iron is a very dangerous thing indeed. Mostly dangerous to himself though.
wds
Soldering irons hurt.
Michael Myers
Still have my battle scars from industrial experience from my electronics engineering degree. Burning yourself with a soldering iron is the kind of thing you do once and then watch it like a freakin hawk every time you use one ever again.
Spence
Oops, no that's not a joke is a fact: http://superuser.com/questions/5321/whats-the-weirdest-thing-youve-ever-seen-a-non-techie-do-to-a-computing-device/5752#5752
OscarRyz
(4) A Manager who codes.(5) A developer who manages.(6) A programmer wearing a suit.(7) A manager wearing a T-shirt.(8) An MBA who thinks....
Jus12
A: 

Q: What is the worst punishment that can be given to a programmer?

A: emousculation

thecoop
"If there isn't a keyboard shortcut for it, it ain't worth doing."
Jader Dias
+14  A: 

Two threads climb out of the pool...

Jonathan C Dickinson
+6  A: 

Two threads are fighting over a stack of papers.

The one says to the other, "Take these copies and fork off."

Jonathan C Dickinson
+7  A: 

I recollect reading this somewhere:

“I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…”
Vinnie
+17  A: 

I'm not bald, I just have "margin-top: 200px;"

Vinnie
That would mean you also have no eyebrows.
Sneakyness
Depends on the size of the image. On a 2000px face shot, 200px wouldn't be anywhere near the eyebrows.
jmucchiello
I know CSS, but I still don't get this joke... am I missing something?
igul222
+4  A: 

unzip.zip...

User
A: 
UsEconomy = "OPTIMIZE FOR UNKOWN usEconomy";
Babiker
+80  A: 
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile again,
100 little bugs in the code.

100 little bugs in the code, ...

... continue until 0 bugs reached

soulmerge
cheers... great one...
ojblass
more like: ... 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile again, 100 little bugs, 42 big bugs, and 3 showstoppers in the code...
Jeffrey Kemp
is 100 a short? At least then the end is in sight :)
Arcturus
I'll wait for integer overflow
GogaRieger
+6  A: 

There are two things in life that you can't live without them: sex and bandwidth, and there is people trying to survive without the first one.

backslash17
sadly ... (ok15charkthxbey)
hasen j
in Iran if you cheat for ISPs and your BandWidth Exceeds 128KB/s=16KByte/s the government will arrest you and execute you as a spy.
Behrooz
+54  A: 

One of my favorites...

Robin Hood And Friar Tuck

The following story was posted in news.sysadmin recently.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola (I believe it was) discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system (or it may have been CP-V's predecessor UTS). Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in "master mode" (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its "privilege level" byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.

Motorola quite properly reported this problem to XEROX via an official "level 1 SIDR" (a bug report with a perceived urgency of "needs to be fixed yesterday"). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as "Security SIDR", and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc. separately.

Xerox apparently sat on the problem... they either didn't acknowledge the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.

Time passed (months, as I recall). The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take Direct Action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked, and just how thoroughly the system security systems could be subverted.

They dug around through the operating-system listings, and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called Robin Hood and Friar Tuck. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as "ghost jobs" (daemons, in Unix terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.

So... one day, the system operator on the main CP-V software-development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following (as I recall... it's been a while since I heard the story):

  • Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job.

  • Disk drives would seek back&forth so rapidly that they'd attempt to walk across the floor.

  • The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a "lace card" (every hole punched). These would usually jam in the punch.

  • The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa.

  • The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B. One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite
    stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to recollate them manually.

I believe that there were some other effects produced, as well.

Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:

!X id1

id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me! (Robin Hood)
id1: Off (aborted)

id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!

id3: Thank you, my good fellow! (Robin)

Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently-slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.

Finally, the system programmers did the latter... only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time image (the /vmunix file, in Unix terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time...

The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.

I believe that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. To the best of my knowledge, no serious disciplinary action was taken against either of these guys.

Several years later, both of the perpetrators were hired by Honeywell, which had purchased the rights to CP-V after Xerox pulled out of the mainframe business. Both of them made serious and substantial contributions to the Honeywell CP-6 operating system development effort. Robin Hood (Dan Holle) did much of the development of the PL-6 system-programming language compiler; Friar Tuck (John Gabler) was one of the chief communications-software gurus for several years. They're both alive and well, and living in LA (Dan) and Orange County (John). Both are among the more brilliant people I've had the pleasure of working with.

Disclaimers: it has been quite a while since I heard the details of how this all went down, so some of the details above are almost certainly wrong. I shared an apartment with John Gabler for several years, and he was my Best Man when I married back in '86... so I'm somewhat predisposed to believe his version of the events that occurred.

Dave Platt Coherent Thought Inc. 3350 West Bayshore #205 Palo Alto CA 94303

Jeffrey Berthiaume
This is excellent!
James Thompson
+10  A: 

I'm nervous about programming in an untyped language---my penmanship is awful!

Christopher Farnell
+89  A: 

Your mommas so fat that not even Dijkstra is able to find a shortest path around her.

Kasper Vesth
+1 for getting a your mom joke in there
ojblass
+15  A: 

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?

A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Eric
Unfortunately he never had a timeout or observe any IRQ :(
acidzombie24
+9  A: 

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

Eric
Good old Chuck.
ojblass
nice, but it's all in the delivery: try it this way: "Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice!". See? ;)
Jeffrey Kemp
Just don't actually pronounce the ellipsis.
jmucchiello
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of PI!
Chris
+10  A: 

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

Carlo
this is already on here
Cuga
+15  A: 

If computer languages were car.

  • C is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.

  • C++ is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out what went wrong.

  • Java is a family station wagon. It's easy to drive, it's not too fast, and you can't hurt yourself.

  • C# is a competing model of family station wagons. Once you use this, you're never allowed to use the competitors' products again.

  • Lisp looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine.

  • Perl is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver's manual is incomprehensible. Also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl car, you won't be able to drive anyone else's.

  • Python is a great beginner's car; you can drive it without a license. Unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain, you may never need another car.

  • Ruby is a car that was formed when the Perl, Python and Smalltalk cars were involved in a three-way collision. A Japanese mechanic found the pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than the sum of the parts.

  • Fortran is a pretty primitive car; it'll go very quickly as long as you are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. It is believed that learning to drive a Fortran car makes it impossible to learn to drive any other model.

  • Cobol is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one.

  • Assembly Language is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.

Comptrol
+50  A: 

This is one I've been telling for years and I'm always surprised when people haven't heard it:

Three programmers meet accidentally at the urinal while attending a technical conference. The first programmer finishes up his business, washes his hands with loads of water, walks over to the towels and uses almost the entire roll to dry his hands. He turns to the other two and says "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second programmer finishes up, walks over to the sink and washes his hands with much less water, then uses a single towel to dry his hands. He remarks to the other two "At IBM, we are trained not only to be very thorough, but also very efficient."

The third programmer finishes his business, walks right past the sink and towel rack and lauds over his shoulder as he walks out the door: "At Apple we don't piss on our hands!"

The original way I heard it was with Motorolla / DEC and Sun I think but you can change the joke depending on who you are telling it to :)

slf
Awesome... Consider this stolen :)
Dutchie432
I heard this originally as any Ivy League (e.g. Harvard/Yale/Dartmouth in some order) joke. I'm sure it has many, many forms.
Tyler McHenry
Health tip. That's, ah, not the only way you contaminate your hands. Don't be that guy.
fennec
+2  A: 

It's the fragments from a dream of a bad telling of a bad joke, so it might need reworking later on, but something about:

"...the end of the world as foretold in Revelations , Fire and Brimestone, and the Beast and it's minions had surfaced from the lair under the earth's crust. Summoned by God Almighty to spread terror and destroy any lasting civilizations, any life that hadn't been worth salvation. The Beast called to the minions, planning how the world would be undone, communications were written and dispatched around the globe.

From up high, God watched on, noting the detail in the organisation, and was confident that all was to go as planned.

However, days, weeks, months passed, and finally God confronted the Beast. 'Why no progress? Such organisation, yet those who were not salvaged still work the earth! Why do you fail me?'

'Forgive me Lord, I have but permission to read and write.'"

Assembler
+7  A: 

Go the extra mile. It's never crowded.

Ivo Danihelka
+8  A: 

IEnumerator? I barely knew her!

Jason
I work a lot with .NET and I don't get it
Jader Dias
+6  A: 

Bill Gates and Marc Andressen (from Netscape for those who don't know) die and go to heaven. Peter meets them and announces that they will get stabbed with a needle for each major bug in their browser software. First it's Marc's Turn: "In Navigator 1.0 there was a big security hole" PRICK! "In Navigator 1.1 you couldn't empty the cache" PRICK! Marc rubs his butt and looks around: "Where did Bill go?" Peter says in reply: "He's just being clamped into the sewing machine..."

Kevin D.
Wow. Maybe this should say "hell" instead?
Nathan Long
+41  A: 

KDE or Gnome - it's like deciding which fat girl you want to date.

vobject
I'm surprised no KDE or GNOME zealots were offended because of this... ;)
Joe D
hahaha my fav so var!
Joe Hopfgartner
But the more those fat girls date, the slimmer they become.
Bart van Heukelom
If you get to know them better you can probably persuade them to do some workout :-)
vobject
+2  A: 

reparare scarabaeus ergo sum.

vobject
Scarabaeus = bugs?
Michael Myers
Yes, it should mean bug(s).Maybe "insect" could also work :)
vobject
I fix bugs therefore I am?
docgnome
An adaption of Descartes' "I think, therefore I am" (Cogito ergo sum)
vobject
+7  A: 

I think a lot of the best jokes come during a dull lecture. In a course I was in where we were doing a fast Poisson solver and during a derivation the teacher said "Something's fishy here", to which I and the professor had a riotous laugh, but everyone was just a little confused. Sometimes they're hilarious when you don't expect them to be. Sometimes it just happens. Just be "up" in your lectures. That's all that matters.

Brandon Pelfrey
I'm impressed. It imports a geeky reference from another discipline... :-)
staticsan
Poisson is French for fish
Jader Dias
+85  A: 

Sorry, this one is quite huge, got as mail from a friend

The Evolution of a Programmer


High School/Jr.High

   10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
   20 END


First year in College

   program Hello(input, output)
     begin
       writeln('Hello World')
     end.


Senior year in College

   (defun hello
     (print
       (cons 'Hello (list 'World))))


New professional

   #include 
   void main(void)
   {
     char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
     int i;

     for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
       printf("%s", message[i]);
     printf("\n");
   }


Seasoned professional

   #include 
   #include 

   class string
   {
   private:
     int size;
     char *ptr;

   public:
     string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

     string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
     {
        ptr = new char[size + 1];
       strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
     }

     ~string()
     {
       delete [] ptr;
     }

     friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
     string &operator=(const char *);
   };

   ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
   {
     return(stream << s.ptr );
   }

   string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
   {
     if (this != &chrs)
     {
       delete [] ptr;
      size = strlen(chrs);
       ptr = new char[size + 1];
       strcpy(ptr, chrs);
     }
     return(*this);
   }

   int main()
   {
     string str;

     str = "Hello World";
     cout << str << endl;

     return(0);
   }


Master Programmer

   [uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)]
   library LHello
   {
       // bring in the master library
       importlib("actimp.tlb");
       importlib("actexp.tlb");

       // bring in my interfaces
       #include "pshlo.idl"

       [
       uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
       ]
       cotype THello
    {
    interface IHello;
    interface IPersistFile;
    };
   };

   [
   exe,
   uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
   ]
   module CHelloLib
   {

       // some code related header files
       importheader();
       importheader();
       importheader();
       importheader("pshlo.h");
       importheader("shlo.hxx");
       importheader("mycls.hxx ");

       // needed typelibs
       importlib("actimp.tlb");
       importlib("actexp.tlb");
       importlib("thlo.tlb");

       [
       uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
       aggregatable
       ]
       coclass CHello
    {
    cotype THello;
    };
   };

   #include "ipfix.hxx"

   extern HANDLE hEvent;

   class CHello : public CHelloBase
   {
   public:
       IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

       CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
       ~CHello();

       HRESULT  __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

    private:
       static int cObjRef;
   };

   #include 
   #include 
   #include 
   #include 
   #include "thlo.h"
   #include "pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "mycls.hxx"

   int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

   CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
   {
       cObjRef++;
       return;
   }

   HRESULT  __stdcall  CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
   {
       printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
       return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
   }

   CHello::~CHello(void)
   {

   // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
   cObjRef--;
   if( cObjRef == 0 )
       PulseEvent(hEvent);

   return;
   }

   #include < windows.h>
   #include 
   #include " pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "mycls.hxx"

   HANDLE hEvent;

    int _cdecl main(
   int argc,
   char * argv[]
   ) {
   ULONG ulRef;
   DWORD dwRegistration;
   CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

   hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

   // Initialize the OLE libraries
   CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

   CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
       REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

   // wait on an event to stop
   WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

   // revoke and release the class object
   CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
   ulRef = pCF->Release();

   // Tell OLE we are going away.
   CoUninitialize();

   return(0);
   }

   extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
   extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

   CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
       0x2573F891,
       0xCFEE,
       0x101A,
       { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
   };

   UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
       0x2573F890,
       0xCFEE,
       0x101A,
       { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
   };

   #include 
   #include 
   #include < stdlib.h>
   #include 
   #include 
   #include "pshlo.h"
   #include "shlo.hxx"
   #include "clsid.h"

   int _cdecl main(
   int argc,
   char * argv[]
   ) {
   HRESULT  hRslt;
   IHello        *pHello;
   ULONG  ulCnt;
   IMoniker * pmk;
    WCHAR  wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
   WCHAR  wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

   // get object path
   wcsPath[0] = '\0';
   wcsT[0] = '\0';
   if( argc > 1) {
       mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
       wcsupr(wcsPath);
       }
   else {
       fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
       return(1);
       }

   // get print string
   if(argc > 2)
       mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
   else
       wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

   printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
   printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

   // Initialize the OLE libraries
   hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

   if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

       hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
       if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
    hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

       if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

    // print a string out
    pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

    Sleep(2000);
    ulCnt = pHello->Release();
    }
       else
    printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

       // Tell OLE we are going away.
       CoUninitialize();
       }

   return(0);
   }


Believe me, all this gives the same output "Hello World"  :-)
Prashant
+1 and a sad smile.
e.James
Then finally the enlighten programmer. print "hello world\n" and perhaps print "how silly have i been."
acidzombie24
already saw this... goes a lot further...
Silence
The Hello World collection: http://roesler-ac.de/wolfram/hello.htm
Druid
I like the version of this joke where the programmer picks the Management track... He starts writing emails to his developers that he needs a "Hello World" program by 5PM. And at the end he can't even remember how to use the mail program :-P
asveikau
The guy from the example got a late start.
Danny Varod
Full version from GNU: http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/helloworld.html
ThinkJet
The "Master Programmer" needs to learn a thing or 2 about syntax, and return is NOT a function!!
Wallacoloo
@wallacoloo return(0) is perfectly valid syntax. ;)
Joe D
+1 for a lot of formatting.
topright
+19  A: 

This is just a geeky joke rather than programming but anyway...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

DisgruntledGoat
+50  A: 

Q: How come there is not obfuscated Perl contest?

A: Because everyone would win.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obfuscated_Perl_Contest
rpkelly
+58  A: 

Q: 0 is false and 1 is true, right?

A: 1.

i like this one+1
Eric
http://bash.org/?10958
Jader Dias
+39  A: 

An actual conversation I had with my fiancée:

Me: I just saw a red-black squirrel!
Her: Was it in a red-black tree?

Amanda S
Awesome. Simply awesome.
savant
She's a keeper.
jmucchiello
Yup, marry that woman.
JeffV
+54  A: 
Carlo
That is a really good one!!!!
dplante
"count" and should best be declared in the for statement.
Daniel Daranas
maybe it's classic C. I think it's missing a \n at the end of that string there though.
wds
or \r\n on DOS/Windows or \r on MAC.
Danny Varod
@Daniel: You can't declare count inside the for loop until C99.test.c: In function ‘main’:test.c:4: error: ‘for’ loop initial declaration used outside C99 mode
X-Istence
i should be unsigned ...
Tim Post
@wds it is classic C. You don't include stdio.h in a C++ program.
Matthew
Correct and well-written C90 code, except for the lack of the '\n' at the end of the string. (It's '\n' instead of "\r\n" or '\r'; it's the compiler's job to translate '\n' to whatever characters the OS needs to end the line with.)
David Thornley
vim version: <ESC>qqoI will not throw paper airplanes in class.<ESC>[email protected]
unkiwii
@David but then how do you generate strings that are meant to be displayed on another OS?
Bart van Heukelom
@Bart: That's a special case, and if you're writing for an incompatible format you should probably write in binary format, also, which `stdout` doesn't do.
David Thornley
A: 
-Hello girl, what is your name?

-Ruth.

-Root, nice. And what is your password?
FerranB
Um...what? Is this a joke, or just an attempt to be the most surreal?
Beska
Given the gramatical error "Which is your password?" --> "What..." I suspsect it was a mistranslation and it was funny in the original language.
Colin Mackay
I wonder if they're going for Ruth/Root mispronunciation...
David Oneill
There are languages without the English "th" sound. German in particular has the spelling and not the sound.
David Thornley
A: 

> cat crap

Trey
why not `cut crap`
MattBianco
+6  A: 

Not really a joke, but every time i'm having pointer problems on a linux machine I giggle.

(~/) $ cd /dev
(/dev/) $ cat mouse
TokenMacGuy
+5  A: 

Chuck Norris’s programs are always one word - work - and they do

Eric
+21  A: 

Notice how chuck Norris is a key Word!

Chuck Norris monitor has no glare…no-one glares at Chuck Norris
Eric
Try 'John Skeet' it also gets highlighted as a keyword.
GameFreak
there are 10 types of persons in this world - those who like Chuck Norris and those who are dead.
Jus12
+113  A: 

Why doesn't C++ have a garbage collector?

Because there would be nothing left!

Patrick
Nice.
Daniel Straight
Three pages and this is the first one that made me LOL.
tsilb
@tsilb your comment made me LOL
clownbaby
I'd say that if the GC in Java worked correctly, most Java programs would disappear.
Lars D
+5  A: 

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... those that understand trinary, those that don't and the ones who confuse it with binary

OutOfMemory
+11  A: 

Save the mallocs, free them all!

Rutger Nijlunsing
+6  A: 

If two people enter the elevator and three people get out on the next floor, one person must get in so the elevator is empty.

EDIT Fixed spelling bug

Thorsten Dittmar
nope.0xFFFFFFFE people should get out.
Behrooz
+21  A: 

A Physician, a Civil Engineer, and a Computer Scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The Physician remarked, “Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly requires surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world”.

The Civil Engineer interrupted, and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of heavens and earth from out of chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of Civil Engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world”.

The Computer Scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidentially, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

Roman Kagan
+5  A: 

It's not funny when my keyboard brea

Gyom
+73  A: 

Why do java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't see sharp.

erenon
You should have used its geekish form: "Because they don't C#"
Anax
I like it both ways. =)
Tek
+20  A: 
alex
Wow. That is more sad than funny.
Nathan Long
golden oldy. still makes me lol.
Anonymous Type
+1  A: 

Q: How does a Programmer start a (internet) chat?
A: Ping

Sure not the funniest one but sometimes true

Martin Dürrmeier
+39  A: 

Writing XML is like being an alcoholic. It may give you a sense of control while you're doing it, but it's only when you stop and look at what you have done that you realize how much trouble you've caused.

Bjørn Furuknap
damn! i just thought of hacking SO, just to upvote this one twice
Suraj Chandran
+26  A: 

There are only 2 kinds of SQL developers:

  • Those who know how COUNT() treats NULLs
  • Those who don't
  • Those who don't care
Quassnoi
Oh, good god, I feel so bad for laughing at that joke. It makes me feel like a nerd.
Tordek
I don't get this one....
VoodooChild
@VoodooChild: Those who don't care have `know_how_count_treats_null = NULL` so they aren't counted
Bart van Heukelom
@Bart: those who don't care have `know_how_count_treats_null IS NULL`. `know_how_count_treats_null = NULL` evaluates to `NULL`.
Quassnoi
@Quassnoi: I didn't mean to write SQL but ok :P
Bart van Heukelom
+10  A: 

Q. What happens if a pattern and an anti-pattern collide?

A. You get a singletonarity.

Adamski
+17  A: 

Question: How long does it take to move a file?

Windows Vista User Answer: I don't know, it's still calculating.

Mac OSX User Answer: What's a file?

Seb Nilsson
lol that's a ice one.
Preet Sangha
Again, duplicat
FUZxxl
@FUZxxl Thanks for pointing that out 1,5 years later... Very constructive.
Seb Nilsson
+1  A: 

http://www.devtopics.com/best-programming-jokes/

+1  A: 

Definition of recursion: see definition of recursion.

stelmate
+6  A: 

There are 10 types of people:

  • those who think they're being original posting jokes about bases
  • those who are too lazy/stupid to notice that it has already been posted 10* times
  • those who are too young to shudder at the phrase "digital manipulation"
  • those who think jokes about binary are funny
  • those who are kept awake at night worrying how to accurately represent 1/5
  • those who will slap you silly if you don't shut up about binary
  • those who understand that 10 types of people understand recursion, they need a slap too
  • those who understand octal

*in base whatever

Rich Seller
I only count 8 ;)
Arcturus
@Arcturus, read the last bullet again
Rich Seller
All your base are belong to 0s
Windows programmer
Oh no! Someone ruined this joke by adding numbers at each bullet. Someone should remove the numbers...
Alderath
+33  A: 

The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."

Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.

"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.

The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!"

All too true...
Technobabble
A: 

How many programers does it take to change a light bulb? None - It’s a hardware problem

crauscher
this is a duplicate.
Brian Postow
+55  A: 

Q: What's the difference between Software Development and Sex?

A: In sex, you don't get a bonus for releasing early.

TahoeWolverine
+32  A: 

The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good <HEAD> on her <BODY>, reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searches his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend - sometimes even without a secure socket. His last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. He fumed, "I hate commenting!" Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as "Feature Creep." He smacked her back-end and shouted, "Who's your parent node?!" He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine routine, she screamed, "Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You're 1337, baby!" This caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his GUI on her interface.

Wow...just wow.
Mike Robinson
+1 Excellent, dripping with creepy evil :-)
scraimer
the "who's your parent node"?
Jus12
this is a pure wtf :)
Suraj Chandran
+1  A: 

A 1 and a 0 are walking down the road.

1 says to 0, "I feel a little chilly."

to which 0 responds, "I'm actually feeling kind of warm, but I could be off."

I came up with this joke when asked this question on a survey one time. There are infinite variations you could make, all are sure to draw a groan ;-)

David
+17  A: 

A programmer is at the airport with his wife, she needs to go to the bathroom so she tells him to stay there and look at the luggage. When she's back the programmer is counting the bags while scratching his head.

Wife: -What's wrong?

Prog: -I don't get it. I was there, nobody took a bag, but I have missed one. We had 5 bags, but now we have only 4.

Wife: -How's that?

Prog: -Look: zero, one, two, thee, four!

The Disintegrator
4 downvotes??? wtf? Bad jokes are jokes all the same and its not offensive. Sigh.
burnt_hand
Obviously the downvoters are non programmers...
The Disintegrator
It's just incredibly boring. Is it even a joke?
Thomas
Also, the husband is hardly a good programmer if he thinks the highest index is equivalent to the size of the array; particularly when most languages have a `count` method that returns the number of objects.
Abizern
yes, index is not count..
John Christman
+29  A: 

One day, the prince goes to the dragon lair in order to kill the dragon.

When the dragon shows up, the prince cuts off his head but two new heads appear. The prince cuts off the two heads and four appear. The prince cuts off the four heads and 16 appear. ... The prince cuts off the 128 heads and 256 appear. The prince cuts off the 256 heads and the dragon dies. Why?

A: It was an 8 bit dragon.

Victor Hurdugaci
Sounds like a 9-bit dragon to me, else already 128*2 == 0...
sth
It is a 0 head-indexed dragon. 1 head = 0000 0000; 2 heads = 0000 0001; ... ; 256 heads = 1111 1111 :)
Victor Hurdugaci
@Victor Then it shouldn't it have had 1 head when the 256 were cut off?
Drakonite
These comments are more funny than the joke.
Beska
What was he doing attacking a dragon with a sword of left-shifting?
jmucchiello
lmao, the comments are so funny
Red33mer
@Victor Hurdugaci 1111 1111 is 255
ralu
"When the dragon shows up, the prince cuts off his head" ... Bah. Wimp.
Markus
+12  A: 

Q. What's the difference between C and C++?

A. Nothing, because: (C - C++ == 0)

(But note that the value of C has been increased)

HanClinto
So C++ isn't better than C, but lead to the improvements in C99?
Matthew Crumley
Actually the expression C == C++ yields undefined behaviour.
Windows programmer
@Windows programmer. Are you sure about that? Cause I was under the impression that it, at least in java, is well defined and results in the comparison to be executed first, and then the incrementation. As opposed to C == ++C
Alderath
@Windows programmer: Why? The rules in the ISO standard (see section 1.9, paragraph 7) say that the value of any operand should only be modified once in a given expression, and that the order of modification side effects is un-specified. The equation (as originally written) was (C == C++), not (C = C++). If it were the latter, it would be undefined behavior. But because there is only one side effect, the behavior should be deterministic.Regardless, I've changed the equation to fit more with the original question ("What's the _difference_ between..."), but both are legit.
HanClinto
"Cause I was under the impression that it, at least in java" -- OK, I haven't read the Java standard. If this joke about C and C++ is talking about Java then I'll take your word for it.
Windows programmer
"the value of any operand should only be modified once in a given expression, and that the order of modification side effects is un-specified" -- right, section 1.9 only says that much. More details are in section 5 paragraph 4, "Furthermore, the prior value shall be accessed only to determine the value to be stored." Your new expression with a subtraction operator doesn't fix this problem. It's unspecified which operand of subtraction is accessed first. On the right C's old value is accessed and determines the new value, but on the left C's old value might be accessed without permission, boom
Windows programmer
@Windows programmer: Wow -- sure 'nuff, you're right. :) Ultimately I just had to test it, so made a small test program and compiled it with GCC using the -Wsequence-point flag. Calling "printf("%d", c - c++);" yielded: "test.c:7: warning: operation on `c' may be undefined" Nice catch!
HanClinto
if (C != C++) ...
Milan Babuškov
@Windows programmer: C++ isn't Java. This insight usually produces a sigh of relief in both C++ and Java programmers.
David Thornley
+4  A: 

"When I code I like to think like a computer. The problem is that computers don't think"

yelinna
+141  A: 

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=recursion

;)

Cagdas Altinkaya
haha didnt know google did that.. thats funny
Arcturus
:-O I wonder if there is an "if" hard coded there in the engine!!!!
OscarRyz
@Oscar No, probably just an entry in the suggested respellings table
CodeFusionMobile
Also google the answer to life the universe and everything.
CodeFusionMobile
Not sure about google, but wolfram|Alpha has an answer:http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=life+the+universe+and+everything
J.Hendrix
davidemm
It actually works in other languages as well.
M.A. Hanin
First one to actually make me laugh at the end of two pages!
Icode4food
I think this is the best joke ever.
Kinderchocolate
+8  A: 
TestSubject09
Do you know what was actually said?
Lucas McCoy
+15  A: 

Picasso's full name was Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.

But close friends just called him PABLO~1.

Quassnoi
Boo! Hiss!
eyelidlessness
If you name a folder like this in windows you will get "PabloD~1"
Jader Dias
PABLOD~1(without this trailing crap that SO requires)
Windows programmer
+64  A: 

A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.

Jay
Hey, this is the most up-votes I've gotten for any post I've made on this site yet. Kind of sad, actually.
Jay
If you'd said mathematician instead of programmer, you'd have done better. Everyone knows real programmers rewrite everything from scratch.
jmucchiello
First one to make me laugh out loud.
ryandenki
+36  A: 
Ville Laurikari
what ?
eyelidlessness
The ? was a heart until a substellar programmer converted it to a code page that couldn't handle it.
Windows programmer
It's a shame you're ambivalent, I ❤ Unicode.
Eamon Nerbonne
It makes a point though
OscarRyz
Is that an anteater? http://www.fileformat.info/info/unicode/char/10084/index.htm
Markus
+8  A: 

Windows ME

abyx
LOL, this is funny.
Shawn Mclean
+3  A: 

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Lightbulb is a class with method screw() so it can screw itself.

mvalente
+8  A: 

Yo mama's so fat she sat on an n-ary tree and turned it into a linked list in constant time.

Duplicate (and I didn't think it was funny the first time).
Michael Myers
+3  A: 

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

Duplicate.
Michael Myers
+1  A: 

Programmers must always find balance in life: would use more CPU and less RAM or more RAM and less CPU?

Gerosa
+6  A: 
My life is a while
inside a C file
that does not compile
and it also has a for
that always dumps core
+15  A: 

RFC2324

Evert
+14  A: 
Ryan Christensen
Check the first page of the cartoon thread...
Michael Myers
awesome, just awesome. true too.
acidzombie24
+2  A: 

Someone I used to work with calls bad tea "nil".

(stop me when you get it)

  • Because it's not Tea.
  • Not Tea is the opposite of Tea
  • Tea is "t"
  • nil is the opposite of t in Lisp.

So once in a while he got a (not-so) nice cup of nil.

Thomas
+74  A: 

So a programming team developes true AI capable of thinking, reasoning, and feeling. They wrote all the code in Scheme They go to their project manager and tell him of their invention and invite him to come talk to it. He agrees and sits down at the terminal they point to. He types:

Hello

and it replies:

(Hello)

He types:

How are you?

It replies:

((I'm fine, thanks)(How are you?))

The PM gets up and tells the team he hates the program and that he's ending the project. The team starts pleading with him, asking how he could hate a true AI capable of feelings and reason. They tell him it can think, solve problems, and even work as a member of the team.
The PM replies, "Yes, but it talks with a Lisp."

I wish I could vote this up a thousand times!
Molex
+15  A: 

One day a Novice came to the Master.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"No," replied the Novice. The Master sent the Novice on a quest to the Store of Software.
Many hours later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"You have a Compiler of Source. What now can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
The Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Compiler of Source to the Master.
"How is this used?" asked the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?" the Master asked.
"No," replied the Novice.
The Master instructed the Novice as to where he could find the Manual of Operation.
Many days later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"You have a Compiler of Source, and a Manual of Operation. What now can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
At this the Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Manual of Operations to the Master.
"How is this used?" asked the Novice.
The Master closed his eyes, and heaved a great sigh.
The Master sent the Novice on a quest to the School of Elementary.
Many years later the Novice returned.
"Master," he said, "How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?".
The Master looked solemnly at the Novice.
"Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code, a Manual of Operation and an Education of Elementary?" the Master asked.
"Yes," replied the Novice.
The Master frowned at the Novice.
"What then can prevent you from becoming a Writer of Programs?".
The Novice fidgeted nervously. He looked around but could find nothing to present to the Master.
The Master smiled at the Novice.
"I see what problem plagues you." said the Master.
"Oh great master, please tell me." asked the Novice.
The Master turned the Novice toward the door, and with a supportive hand on his shoulder said, "Go young Novice, and Read The F***ing Manual." And so the Novice became enlightened.

ZeroCool
+59  A: 
rbxbx
+18  A: 

Highlander getSingletonInstance() // there can only be one.

I like it. This needs voted up!
Daniel Straight
+75  A: 

Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?

A: Because he didn't get arrays.

HA! This is the first one in a while that actually made me laugh.
Michael Myers
That is nearly sublime. Bravo.
jmucchiello
I don't get it. Care to explain to not English-native?
Przemaas
Becoz, he didn't get a-raise :-)
Abhay
doh!.. ..... .. ..
OscarRyz
Groan! More Groaning!
Biosci3c
+3  A: 

A developer finds out that his wife is pregnant so he gives his child-to-be a codename.

Amr
+3  A: 

Why the programmer get stuck in the shower?

Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

jay
Duplicate at least three times.
Michael Myers
+12  A: 

A Turing machine walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "what will you have?"

After waiting a while for an answer, the bartender becomes impatient. "Cmon, what's taking you so long?"

The Turing machine replies, "I can't decide."

A: 

"Dude!! you suck more than C++."

Waseem
+80  A: 

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. ~ Doug Linder

true, not a joke...
Catalin DICU
I catch myself doing that.
Ikke
A user could always drive the wrong way.
Danny Varod
+32  A: 

my favourite: "Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration." - Stan Kelly-Bootle

Martin DeMello
haha one of the best ones :)
Joe Hopfgartner
A: 

Q: Why most programmers goes to hell ? A: because there are no bugs on heaven.

nightingale2k1
+1  A: 

"You can only understand recursion if you know someone who understands recursion."

dermatthias
Like that: To understand what recursion is you must first understand recursion.
Ahmet Kakıcı
"You can only know someon who understands recursion if you know someone who understands recursion."
Jeffrey Kemp
+3  A: 

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'

duplicate of http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke/234399#234399
yairchu
+3  A: 

This is more of a generic geek-joke and I couldn't overcome 15 pages of jokes to see, if it's already been written.. But here goes:

In war time, 2 soldiers are captured by the enemy. In peace-time, one of them happens to be a physicist whereas the other is a mathematician.

They are placed in a room and tied to each their chair. Across from them - approx. 10 meters - sits a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The soldiers haven't seen their wives for months, so as the hours go by, they start to feel desire for the woman.

An enemy officer enters and explains to them:

"If you tell me where your base is located, I will let you go. If you don't, then, for every 5 minutes, I will move your chairs, so you are exactly half as far away from the woman than before".

The mathematician: "This is unfair! None of us will never reach the woman!"

The physicist: "For all practical purposes, I will be near enough in 2 hours.."

Frederik Schøning
2 Hours? He needs to be half a micron away? Just what is he planning to do that requires being that close?
scragar
lol scragar :) Good point, although you just raised the nerd-alert bar to the red zone ;)
Frederik Schøning
+5  A: 

DOS joke...

Who is this "General Failure" guy, and why is he reading my hard drive?

Yardboy
I think kernel OK works for this guy.
Bratch
+27  A: 
mykhaylo
The hex code, for some of them it is much easier to tell apart.
Danny Varod
Right over Danny's head - Zhoooooom!
Dennis Williamson
Am I in trouble if I don't get this? That's the natural way of picking colors **isn't?**
OscarRyz
I didn't know Lolcats were such a nice shade of blue!
sli
+16  A: 

One of my favorites from days gone by:

A poem based on E. A. Poe's The Raven. By Anonymous

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 
jrglasgow
timeout while reading post. Skipping to end.
Jus12
tl;dr version: Abort, Retry, Ignore?
The Guy Of Doom
I love that poem! :D
Dian
+7  A: 

A (male) mathematician and an engineer appear in a room. There are two other things in the room, as well. A gorgeous naked woman standing opposite the men; and god.

God says, "You can move half the distance to the woman as many times as you'd like."

The mathematician shakes his head and says, "What's the point? We'll never get there."

Then the engineer immediately covers half the distance and says, "I'll get close enough for practical purposes."

That's a duplicate.
sth
+9  A: 

Java: write once, debug everywhere.

Jim Gagnon
+4  A: 

An Engineer and a Mathematician found the magic lamp, the genie came out of the lamp and said, "I have a quest for you, can you see that hot chick over there, if any one can get to her by everytime jumping half the distance he jumped before, she is his.

The mathematician said this is impossible" and left.

After a while, he met the engineer who had a big smile on his face and told him "I did it", the mathematician said "WHAT, how it is impossible", the Engineer replied "Yes, but I got close enough to make it possible"

bashmohandes
That's a duplicate.
sth
ooh, sorry I couldn't read the whole thing :)
bashmohandes
A: 

A medical doctor, civil engineer and computer scientist are in a bar, discussing which is the oldest profession. The doctor says "God took a rib from Adam and made Eve - a medical triumph. Medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer says "Ah, but before that from chaos God created the planets and stars. Engineering is the earliest profession." The computer scientist swigs his bear calmly and says - "But who do you think created the chaos?"

mancaus
That's a duplicate.
sth
+50  A: 

Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good. When it's bad, it's better than nothing.

Zee
Bad documentation is to good documentation as carbon monoxide is to oxygen.
Kyralessa
+11  A: 

Feminist Unix Command

"man bash"

+5  A: 

This one I know from a friend that studied Automated System at the Polytechnic University in Bucharest.

'A man his robot wake up one morning. While the robot was preparing breakfast the man couldn't help notice the robot wasn't feeling fine.

  • Man: Are you OK ? What happened ?
  • Robot: I had a horrible nightmare last night !
  • Man: You can dream ?
  • Robot: I was dreaming away my usual relaxing dream: 0111011101010001110100100111010001011110010010100 1010001011101010001011001001001010101000101000101 ... when all of the sudden: 0010100000001101001......2'

not the best, but probably the only programmer joke I know. ^_^

George Profenza
"It's okay, Bender, there's no such thing as two."
Corey
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Setun
mk
+23  A: 

Child: Dad, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?

Dad: Son, it's working, don't touch

Nir Levy
Yet another repeat.
Danny Varod
A: 

LISP is the acronym for Lost In Stupid Programming!

Etienne Savard
or Lost In Stupid Paranthesis! ;)
Etienne Savard
rather Lots of InSignificant Parentheses
samuil
Lots of Irritating Stupid Parentheses.
Brian Postow
Lots of Irritating, Superfluous Parenthesis
San Jacinto
+14  A: 

Q - Why don't programmers pray?

A - They don't like throwing null pointer exceptions!

Dang, I guess I'm not as funny as I thought...
That got me smile
Przemaas
who is down voting this?
Pieter888
I didn't get this.
Jus12
+5  A: 

Software Development Cycles

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
  6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  7. Users find 137 new bugs.
  8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
  13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
Saeros
Duplicate.
Michael Myers
+34  A: 
statenjason
Upvoting for the first metajoke. Sort of a metajoke, anyway.
sli
A: 

My teacher narrated this one:

A programmer once took his wife and kids to a park for recreation. Before coming back, he became extremely agitated when he counted his kids over and over again to make sure there were five, but he only counted up to four each time, without apparently recalling the missing one; he was beginning his count from 0!

The "This is a true joke" bit ruins it...
Sander
removed the "this is.." part
I can see where this could become funny with some serious rewriting. But it sure ain't funny now.
Kyralessa
Kyralessa: Agreed
jmucchiello
All programmers know that you only count to .Count - 1
Danny Varod
+4  A: 

010001010110100101100111011010000111010000100000011000100111100101110100011001010111001100 100000011101110110000101101100011010110010000001101001011011100111010001101111001000000110 000100100000011000100110000101110010001011100010000000100000010101000110100001100101001000 000110001001100001011100100111010001100101011011100110010001100101011100100010000001100001 011100110110101101110011001011000010000001000011011000010110111000100000010010010010000001 100111011001010111010000100000011110010110111101110101001000000110000101101110011110010111 010001101000011010010110111001100111001111110010000001011001011001010110000101101000001011 000010000001110010011001010111000001101100011110010010000001110100011010000110010100100000 011000100111100101110100011001010111001100101110001000000010000001001101011000010110101101 100101001000000111010101110011001000000110000100100000011001000110111101110101011000100110 1100011001010010111000100000

Duplicate, except the other one was easier to read.
Michael Myers
011000010111011101110011011011110110110101100101
Makach
you are telling it wrong!
Brian Postow
if it has some meaning, please explain it to stupid guys like me
Hagai
In ANSI: Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, Can I get you anything? Yeah, reply the bytes. Make us a double.
Brian
+3  A: 

A few oneliners on T-shirt and sticker from thinkgeek.com :

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

I failed the Turing test

go away or I will replace you with a simple shell script

+6  A: 

Heap Heap Array !?

George Profenza
+27  A: 

Rome wasn't built in O(1).

spatz
How do you know, unless they built two Romes of different sizes?
Alderath
You still won't know. You need an infinite number of Romes in order to check that assertion.
Windows programmer
I know that shooting you with `n` bullets will take `O(n)` and I don't need an infinite number of bullets to verify that assertion.
spatz
If you only have a finite number of bullets then you won't be able to distinguish O(n) from O(1). The time required to fire all n bullets will be some length of time, Z seconds. Z is a constant. Z is O(1). No matter what number of bullets you decide to fire, it will take Z seconds or less. O(1).
Windows programmer
That makes no sense. Do you know what O(n) means?
jmucchiello
Yes I know what O(n) means, and O(various other functions), and various other kinds of asymptotic behaviour. Do you know how far an argument has to extend in order to get an asymptote?
Windows programmer
You could use the number of buildings as the input size.
Danny Varod
+1  A: 

While this may not be a joke per se, I thought it was a funny, if not corny, response. I was visiting my professor during office hours and he commented that he was giving the paper he graded a B- and replied, "why not give him a c++ ?" ... yeah.. pretty corny.. hehe

Boltimuss
-3 really ...........?
Boltimuss
Don't worry, I like this one, I'm up-voting you.
Leo Jweda
hehe... thanks :)
Boltimuss
Wait... C++ would give B not B- take the minus away!
thyrgle
C++ would give a D, not a B.
Christian Mann
+2  A: 

A computer science student walks into the lab during finals week. He needs to use a computer to finish his last C++ programming assignment, but all the computers are in use. As he's walking through the lab, scouting for an available machine, he sees a couple friends of his. He walks up to them and says, "Hello Steve. Hello Amy." They turn to him and say, "Hello Dan, how are you?" As the student glances around the lab, he responds, "I'm ok, I just need to find a computer to finish my C++ assignment for class." Steve looks at Dan and says, "Well hopefully you find an available machine soon, because you're starting to look a little ANSI."

A: 

Q: What is the definition of "recursion" in the dictionary? A: "See recursion"

+11  A: 

It's a safe assumption that all software projects contain at least one undiscovered bug and have at least one byte of bloat that can be optimized out. So theoretically, the world's best program will consist of a single incorrect instruction.

Karl B.
"It's a safe assumption that all software projects contain at least one undiscovered bug and have at least one byte of bloat that can be optimized out." -- Yes. So theoretically, the world's SMALLEST program will contain no instructions at all, and it will still be incorrect. And it's true! With no instructions, it won't set its exit code.
Windows programmer
Wow, you really are a Windows programmer.
harpo
+6  A: 
travis
GOB said that to Michael? LMAO, what episode?
Carlo
+1  A: 

Guy and a girl are in a bar. The man bites his tongue, approaches the woman and says, "So baby, can I have your address?"

She replies, "&inyourdreams".

isn't it:
Pieter888
+8  A: 

Batbit and Spiderbit walk into a byte. The byte-tender says, "Sorry, no masks allowed"

Sam
+22  A: 

A UNIX wizard hears cries of torment from his apprentice's computer room where the apprentice is studying, and goes to investigate.

He finds the apprentice in obvious distress, nearly on the verge of tears. "What's the problem?" he asks. "Why did you cry out?"

"It's terrible using this system. I must use four editors each day to get my studies done, because not one of them does everything."

The wizard nods sagely, and asks, "And what would you propose that will solve this obvious dilemma?"

The student thinks carefully for several minutes, and his face then lights up in delight. Excitedly, he says, "Well, it's obvious. I will write the best editor ever. It will do everything that the existing four editors do, but do their jobs better, and faster. And because of my new editor, the world will be a better place."

The wizard quickly raises his hand and smacks the apprentice on the side of his head. The wizard is old and frail, and the apprentice isn't physically hurt, but is shocked by what has happened. He turns his head to face the wizard. "What have I done wrong?" he asks.

"Fool!" says the wizard. "Do you think I want to learn yet another editor?"

Immediately, the apprentice is enlightened.

Doomsday
This is a great koan.
Alex Brault
please explain im not sure whether i got it :D
Joe Hopfgartner
The story is about the UNIX editor war between vi and emacs. Both editors never gave up, while new ones "better,faster" never came in the UNIX world.
Doomsday
+6  A: 

Pro'gram'mer n. An organism that converts caffeine into code.

ephilip
Based on Erdos' quote that a mathematician is a machine that turns caffeine (possibly and cigarettes, I don't remember) into theorems...
Brian Postow
Huh. I thought my job was to turn caffeine into profanity.
Tommy McGuire
+3  A: 

A : If there is a limit to the amount of information that can be stored/represented in the universe and all of it was allocated for a giant integer register, what is the largest number such a register could hold?

B : -1

(from reddit)

Cagdas Altinkaya
this is a really good one for the bit-flipping geek in all of us :)
San Jacinto
need some clarification
Jus12
+3  A: 

There's no place like 127.0.0.1.

Justin Bradshaw
It was funny when I heard it in 1995
Sam
It was also accurate then.
CodeFusionMobile
Its not funny when this is like the 3rd post of the same joke.
Shawn Mclean
what about `http://localhost/` ?
arik-so
Or `::1` for that matter.
Christian Mann
+2  A: 

program, n.: A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v.: To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

Troy Moon
+3  A: 

A programmer is walking along and finds a frog on the side of the road. The frog says "Hey, you! I'm a beautiful princess. Kiss me and I'll turn human and be your hot girlfriend."

The programmer picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket.

A few minutes later the frog shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear me? I said I was a beautiful princess! If you kiss me I'll turn human and be your girlfriend!"

The programmer says, "Nahh -- I'm a programmer, I really don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog -- that's pretty cool!"

John Lockwood
Duplicate at least three times over.
Michael Myers
+7  A: 

Interviewer at the end of the meet : Do you have any other queries..??

Our programming guy : ofcourse, select * from....................

Cheers

Ramesh Vel

Ramesh Vel
"No, but I do have some DML..."
Jeffrey Kemp
SELECT * ? -> You are out!
ralu
+5  A: 

Not a joke, but a great bumper sticker seen on the car of a University of Michigan AI faculty member:

"My Other Car is a CDR"

klochner
whats CDR? does it have to do with scheme? i dont get it
Shawn Mclean
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CAR_and_CDR
klochner
+6  A: 

Programmer's son asks his father: Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? don't touch it.

already posted...
DisgruntledGoat
+6  A: 

A great one liner about why a company shouldnt hire consultants. "Dont hire consultants. They steal the watch from you and tell you the time". Not sure how true that is. :)

Cshah
they steal your watch and then demand you pay them money for telling you the time.
SF.
+50  A: 

When Shakespeare asked, To be, or not to be?, he did not provide the answer. But programming can. Well the answer is FF.

2B |~ 2B = FF

Markus Scheucher
(toBE || !toBe) == true, 0xFF if you cast the result to a char.
Danny Varod
Either way, the answer is clear
Mike Robinson
@Danny: Isn't true, cast to char, one?
Joe D
@Joe - no, (char)true == 0xff, (short)true == 0xffff, ...(For signed types -1, for unsigned it is MAX_...)
Danny Varod
@Danny: Have you tested it? ;)
Joe D
What about: /(bb|[^b]{2})/
Keenora Fluffball
+54  A: 

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=recursion

Did you mean: "recursion"

Tuminoid
Nice! +1
Eric
this is epic. very funny joke!
murasaki5
wow !! First bug I seen in Google
Xinus
Thats not a bug, its a feature.
truppo
Clearly, Xinus doesn't understand recursion.
Duroth
+6  A: 

Mark Twain's remark about quitting smoking always remembers me of the standardization of LISP:

I cannot understand why people say it is so hard to plan a standard LISP dialect. This task is very easy, I have already planned a dozen ones.

physis
+4  A: 

It is not joke itself but nevertheless it is still funny :)

http://www.aegisub.net/2008/12/if-programming-languages-were-religions.html

Moomin
+6  A: 

A chat conversation between me and my friend:

friend: This just sounds wrong: "using std::back_inserter;"

me: lmao

friend: I sure don't want an STD from a back_inserter...

Topher Fangio
+14  A: 

In the dBASE III Plus manual some 20+ years ago. The index at the end of the manual read (separate entries several pages apart, of course:)

Endless loop: See Loop, Endless

Loop, Endless: See Endless Loop

MetalMikester
+1. Did they really do that! Missing the fun these days.
Guru
Yep! I thought that was pretty clever of them. Unfortunately those manuals have long been discarded. Should have kept one. :)
MetalMikester
I remember this. It was very amusing. I think I still have that manual. I'll try to dig it up.
Ray Burns
+5  A: 

SO - error when trying to post an answer, but they check you are a human, and when you complete there test this is what you get: "Oops! Your answer couldn't be submitted because:

body is missing "

Irfy
+10  A: 
<form>
    <fieldset>
        <legend>I am</legend>
    </fieldset>
</form>
alex
+1 Well done sir, well done :-)
Topher Fangio
hahaha! ur a dag
Lea
+18  A: 

old Dvorak had a farm, . c . c r

Ether
got it : ee i ee i o
Jader Dias
i dont get it please explain
Joe Hopfgartner
+8  A: 

A C++ programmer: "My 0-th son was born yesterday"

Lior Kogan
+3  A: 

Software programming is like sex, one bad decision and you end up supporting it in the rest of your life.

gath
This is a duplicate (see first page).
Danny Varod
+7  A: 

When a programmer and a beggar meet, the very first question they ask each other - Which platform are you working on ?....lol

Vijayendra Bapte
usually what language, if one says Java and the other .Net, well here goes the evening
medopal
A: 

Well,I am not so much expert in writing fun articles on IT.but,I tried one.I hope all of you like it.

Original Post

Sons of Java, of .Net, my brothers!

I see in your eyes...

...the same fear that would take the heart of me.

A day may come when the Google may fails...

...when we forsake our Computers and break all bonds of fellowship.

But it is not this day.

An hour of BSoD and shattered Mobiles...

...when the age of Microsoft comes crashing down.

But it is not this day.

This day we fight!

By all that you hold dear on this good earth...

... I bid you stand, Men of the Computers!

Chintan Shah
+17  A: 

Okay, go easy on me, because I wrote this little gem myself to amuse the kiddies...

Q: Why wouldn't the flag fit through the door?

A: Because it was a bit long.

leeborkman
+2  A: 

Two computers are walking down the street together. One turns to the other and says 'Why do you think everyone finds computers so boring?' the other computer turns to him and says...

...Beeeeeeep!

Andrew Matthews
I love this one!
Leo Jweda
+6  A: 

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

leeborkman
Ouch. And I still use my Newton, too...
staticsan
+19  A: 

There are 10 kinds of people on Stack Overflow.
1. People who didn't read the duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read one duplicate of this joke.
10. People who read two duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read three duplicates of this joke.
10. People who read four duplicates of this joke.
...
11. People who have all the bases covered.

Windows programmer
Check it out, it goes to eleven!
glowcoder
+5  A: 

I was lying in bed after a crazy birthday, and, there being no place open to eat, everyone was trying to figure out a good delivery place. I said "I want some internet food", not wanting to move.

My girlfriend said, "How bout some MegaBytes?"

She's hates computers, it was hilarious.

viatropos
True story? Funny nontheless
Pieter888
+8  A: 

Software Development Cycle : A true Story

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

Users find 137 new bugs.

Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.. :))

Jaswant Agarwal
Liked it..in fact really true..goes around us always!
sangam
Really well-put, and sadly, it's true.
Jacob Relkin
+84  A: 
Roland
hard to read but it's worth it
dotjoe
Actually, this is true.
Tim Post
Yeah, this thread is about jokes, not truth.
liori
But the truth makes this a joke ;-)
Roland
IE sucks. As it was said, this picture is too true... :(
arik-so
Best jokes are those that are true.
Marian
Extremely sad, but true.
BioXhazard
+7  A: 

A Barber decided to do free hair cut for first time customers.

A Gardner walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy next day he sends free flowers to the hair dresser.

A Librarian walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy and next day he sends a free book to hair dresser.

A programmer walks in, he gets a free hair cut and he is very happy....

..
..
..
..
..
..
..

Next day 100 programmers visit the Barber shop.

Akash Kava
Not got. Why 100?
Jeffrey Kemp
Well programmers starve for free things, they want everything for free, and they dont want to give anything to anyone for free !! And they are connected through msn,yahoo etc, so it spread fast.
Akash Kava
sangam
+8  A: 

Explaining recursion:

It was a dark and stormy night, and I says to the captain, captain, tell us a story. And this is the story he told.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Dean J
My stack already got overflowed....
THEn
+1  A: 
try
{
   // ... loads of code
}
catch (Exception ex)
{
    string nooooooo = "";
}
Jader Dias
Were you the guy who wrote this system I'm maintaining?
Alun Harford
@Alun this code is not mine =)
Jader Dias
@Alun but I saw it on production code
Jader Dias
+4  A: 

Vista: virus infected system, try apple

Johannes
+12  A: 

This is a classic

There are only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary andthose who don't

And lets not forget :-)

Why computers are like men:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
TheCodeJunkie
I like this variation better: There are only 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who have an active sexual life
Carlo
+30  A: 
Here's an easy game to play. 
Here's an easy thing to say.... 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, 
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, 
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! 
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, 
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, 
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

Gene Ziegler

Andrew
... So you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, cuz as sure as I'm a poet, this sucker's gonna hang!
tsilb
+2  A: 
C:>DOS
C:\DOS>RUN
RUN DOS RUN!
john2x
C:/DOS ??? /s are UNIX.
Danny Varod
1. missing a backslash; 2. / are unix; 3. makes no sense either way.
ldigas
+47  A: 
Roland
Very very very creative!
sangam
Would work better as the great escape though...
Joe D
A: 

when you put 2 and 2 together, you get 22, if they are strings.

datatypes are important.

SketchBookGames
+4  A: 

Microsoft Works.

really?

SketchBookGames
This isn't a joke, it's a reality
Roland
The first line was funny. But you delivered wrong when you added "really?"
Pieter888
Microsoft Works Suite. (read as "Microsoft works? Sweet!")
Dian
if microsoft.works = true then miracle = true!
Omair Iqbal
i kinda like it
MIkhail
+32  A: 

wife to programmer: "Buy a stick of butter. If they have eggs, bring 10" He's back w/10 sticks of butter & says "They had eggs"

(via toraks)

Pierre
(Laughter) => (Either I'm too deprived of sleep) OR (that's very funny)
Danny Varod
nice, takes some thinking though.
Pieter888
Isn't this a duplicate?
FUZxxl
+12  A: 

Medieval people believed that it was Elijah the Prophet who caused lightning riding the skies in his chariot of fire.

Now, in modern times, we cannot suppress our smiles when reading of it. Every educated person knows that in fact it's Google Earth taking photos using a flash.

Quassnoi
+9  A: 
Q: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?

A: She had one-to-many relationships
Q: How do you solve the dining philosopher's problem?

A: Just add more fork()
Q: What does the software engineer who fathered MVC, Broker, Pipe-and-filter, Client-Server and Transaction Processing feel towards his creations?

A: Pattern-al love
ManicMailman
I'll have to send this to my friend, Trygve Reenskaug, who invented MVC!
Guge
That would be awesome, please do so :)
ManicMailman
+7  A: 
Danny Varod
Some bugs are like this, they disappear or alters their characteristics when an attempt is made to study them. Such bugs are called heisenbugs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unusual_software_bug
Pascal Thivent
This happens a lot when debugging properties, because the debugger actually calls the get accessor and you might have some code there that changes the state of the app.
Carlo
+39  A: 

Windows is...

a 64 bit rewrite of

a 32 bit extension to

a 16 bit api to

an 8 bit kernel for

a 4 bit microprocessor by

a 2 bit company that can't stand

1 bit of competition.

Jez
+3  A: 

NACK, NACK.

Who's there?

ATM.

ATM who?

NACK, NACK.

Cylon Cat
"NACK" is a "negative acknowledgement", a very old communications protocol for "I don't understand". NACK usually forces a resynchronization or renegotiation between end points. ATM is "Asynchronous Transfer Mode"; a couple of decades ago it was a relatively high-speed packet technology that lost out to other technologies. Yes, this joke is obscure.
Cylon Cat
+15  A: 

A Poem For Computer Geeks

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ #4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

A Translation for the Mundanes

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash
Bang splat equals at dollar underscore
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash
Vertical bar curly brace comma comma crash
Dave
What the hell is that?
hasen j
In the days before windows many of the words for characters were very different. Yes, I ran into many of them. By the way this has both meter and rhyme.
Dave
+30  A: 

"Why did Microsoft name their new search engine BING?"

"Because It's Not Google!"

Gergely Orosz
Isn't that actually close to the truth? "Bing Is Not Google"
Jeffrey Kemp
I believe it might be true!!
medopal
You can say that again.
harpo
+3  A: 
hasen j
took me a while to "see" the bug ... :S
+34  A: 
  === This is the Honor System Virus ====
  If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix, or
  Linux computer, please randomly delete
  several files from your hard disk drive and
  forward this message to everyone you know.
  ==============================================
Dave
+4  A: 

This isn't mine:

["hip","hip"] //hip hip array

This is:

{cake => "chocolate"} //hash cake

Peter
+56  A: 

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Cy
Hilarious... +1
Adeel Ansari
But, it's a strong password. :)
bjarkef
+29  A: 
//   LordsPrayer.java   @author Ganesh Prasad

import org.religion.*

public class LordsPrayer {
  public void pray() {
    // Our Father, who art in heaven,
    //
    God ourFather = Heaven.getGodInstance();

    // Hallowed be thy Name.
    //
    ourFather.getName().setHallowed( true );

    // Thy kingdom come.
    //
    ourFather.getKingdom().setWelcome( true );

    // Thy will be done in earth
    // As it is in heaven.
    //
    boolean isWillDone = Heaven.isWillDone( ourFather );
    Earth.setWillDone( ourFather, isWillDone );

    // Give us this day our daily bread.
    //
    Bread dailyBread = ourFather.getBread( new Date() );

    // And forgive us our trespassess,
    // As we forgive those who trespass against us.
    //
    synchronized {
       ourFather.forgive( this.getTrespasses() );
       this.forgive( this.getTrespassers() );
    }

    // And lead us not into temptation;
    // But deliver us from evil:
    //
    ourFather.removeTemptationListener( this );
    ourFather.deliverFrom( Evil, this );

    // For thine is the kingdom, and the power,
    // and the glory, for ever.
    //
    for (;;) {
       Kingdom.setOwner( ourFather );
       Power.setOwner( ourFather );
       Glory.setOwner( ourFather );
    }

    // Amen.
    //
    finalize();
  }
}
Unreachable prayer detected:finalize();
Carlo
Exception thrown in Heaven.getGodInstance(); "god" does not exist in this context
Mark
@Carlo: I would suggest putting the infinite loop into a new asynchronous thread ;)
arik-so
@arik-so:then we will have an ObjectDisposedException.
Behrooz
Instead of the infinite loop use `kingdom.addOwnershipChangedListener( ... kingdom.setOwner(ourFather) ... );`
Bart van Heukelom
+5  A: 

A group of managers, mechanical engineers and programmers are swooshing down a mountain in a sleigh. Suddenly the sleigh buckles and crashes, spilling everyone who was on board.

Soon after they shake themselves off the managers announce that they're going to form a committee to investigate the cause of the crash and how to avoid it in the future.

The mechanical engineers start pulling out their screwdrivers so they can begin analyzing the sleigh to see what went wrong.

The programmers just want to push the sleigh back up the mountain to see if it will happen again!

Paul Sasik
+31  A: 

Three programmers go into a bar and sit down at a table. The first programmer holds up two fingers and says "Three beers".

Loki Stormbringer
I am not sure whether I am getting it or not. Am I missing something real funny?
Adeel Ansari
There are 10 types of people. Those who get binary jokes and those who don't.
Loki Stormbringer
Actually, the confusion was the word 'holds'. IMO, 'raises' might be a better word here. May be I am wrong, not an English native. I was holding my two fingers with my other hand, and didn't really understand this act. Nice joke though.
Adeel Ansari
Ah, I see. Actually this is really more of a "sight" joke. When you tell it you wouldn't say 'holds up two fingers" you would just do it.
Loki Stormbringer
There are 11 types of people. Those who get FUNNY binary jokes, and the other two.
Faruz
Would have been a disaster if there were 4 programmers :-)
Jus12
@WTFITS no it wouldn't. The clearly defined protocol would state the little finger is most significant, the thumb being header data flag for when ordering non beer. Thus to order four you hold up just on finger, the one next to you little finger (normally the ring finger is it called)
thecoshman
He is Mahmoud Ahmady-Nejad.
Behrooz
I don't know why, but of all the 1101010 binary jokes, this is the only funny 1.
harpo
This isn't a binary joke, 3 is just zero-indexed.
Kyle
+7  A: 
Victor Hurdugaci
that's your browsers spellcheck
iamrohitbanga
Yes, the fail is the browser's spell check fail. But it failed on the word "MSDN" suggesting "MADNESS"
Victor Hurdugaci
thats not fail.. thats win
Jus12
Looks like a rectangle with a small square containing a red x and the words "alt text" next to it.
Bratch
+35  A: 

Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
very long pause….
- Java.

Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- C++.

Knock, knock.
- Assembler.

Arkadiusz Kondas
now its not true ..
nicky
Although im a Java developer, and Java made a huge step in speed, but still compared to C++, who are we kidding
medopal
LOL @ assemblyMy version: kno... pascal
Jus12
vb6:Knock, Knock. SendKeys("Beginners All purpose Symbolic Idiot Code")
Behrooz
+21  A: 

CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

SCSI: System Can’t See It

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

DOS: Defunct Operating System

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

PnP: Plug and Pray

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

Dilip
+1 for WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW, its true most of the time
medopal
A: 

Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?

A: Because that was her name.

cdv
+70  A: 

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Xinus
MS is full of bugs, would be a disaster if he said Hi John!!
medopal
+25  A: 
Xinus
Very realistic and interesting visual fun!
sangam
Wrong thread. That's a cartoon, not a joke.
Kyralessa
http://www.projectcartoon.com/
peSHIr
+7  A: 

Mine favorite is rather stupid...but...

How do You count cows? With CowCulator!

Leszek Wachowicz
+21  A: 

For C-type languages...

    A bright young coder named Lee
    Wished to loop while i was 3
    But when writing the =
    He forgot its sequel
    And thus looped infinitely
John Bode
Beautiful! It moved me.
Pieter888
+39  A: 

It's been said that if you play a windows CD backwards, you'll hear satanic chanting...worse still if you play it forwards, it installs windows.

Kamal
A: 

"You don't go to DevDays to get laid"