What would be the last words of particular kinds of programmers?
For example, a Perl programmer:
I don't have to write documentation. The source is formatted so well, I can read it later...
or
I'm just going to write a regular expression to find this, then I'm done...
Java:
One more layer of abstraction and this problem should go away...
Windows:
Either this desktop wallpaper goes, or I do.
(with apologies to Oscar Wilde and Echostorm, who correctly pointed out that it was not George Bernard Shaw to whom I should be apologizing)
I don't need to rerun all of the tests after this minor changes.
Assembly:
Huh, that code wasn't supposed to be self-modifying...
Every programmer, everywhere:
What? That can't be happening, I didn't touch that part of the code.
(I've never found a statement that angered support staff more than that)
A programmer who was happy with his life:
return 0;
A programmer who wasn't happy with his life:
return 0xDEADBEEF;
LW of a Java (JEE) programmer:
"This new framework will revolutionise the way we do things! We'll be able to do more with far less code..."
Python programmer:
You know, I bet we could use a list comprehension/map/filter/reduce for this.
This is usually followed by writing some incomprehensible Perl-like one liners.
Bill Gates1 last words: "Oh, fancy meeting you here Mr Beelzebub."
Skizz
Mars orbiter team circa 1999:
Yeah, so feet and inches who uses that any more...?
C#
using(LifeSupport ls = new LifeSupport())
{
Patient p = new Patient(me);
}
ls.Breathe(p);
I'll just copy these 50 lines, search and replace, and presto I'm done!
Any Coder: I REGRET NOTHING! (With his life flashing before eyes...which was just hours and hours of writing code and not much else...)
Maybe already there but I think those comments are famous last words....
// this can't happen
Also found as: (thx to Pim Jager)
//This should never happen.
PHP:
if($me->getLifespan() - 30 <= time()) {
$dying_words = 'I have no regrets. Well, except for ';
$dying_words .= implode($regrets, ', ');
$dying_words .= ' and... nah, that\'s it. Bye.';
die($dying_words);
} else $me->rockOn();
PHP tutors:
It's only aimed at beginners, the security stuff can go in a later chapter...
PHP site developers:
It's only a prototype, we can worry about that escaping business later...
PHP site users:
I'll just browse this site using IE...
Java people don't die, they wait for the garbage collector to get them :P
ASP.NET:
/* The commented code below was DELETED because, even though it was commented out,
it was being executed anyway. */
I've actually seen this...
I'm always testing these changes in production! How else would I know they are safe?
For fans of Terry Pratchett's Granny Weatherwax
while (!deadyet) {
print("I aten't dead");
}
MessageBox.Show("This should never happen. Tell a programmer.");
//HACK: insert your, "i will fix this later" excuse
//FAKE: insert your, "he/she/it isn't completed yet, I'll just hard code this for now" excuse
A C++ programmer on his deathbed is haunted by a memory leak.
With his last breath he wispers:
"Is that you 0xfaccface?"
Pre CSS:
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</body>
</html>
PHP
php_flag register_globals on
There, that should make my life easier.
UNIX programmer:
die_you_gravy_sucking_pig_dog();
See Jeff Atwoods post: http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/archives/001211.html
Post CSS:
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</body>
</html>
"Dr. Falken, would you like to play a nice game of Global Thermonuclear War?" - WOPR
SQL n00b:
DELETE FROM big_important_table_with_no_backups WHERE CustomerID = 100 OR 101;
"It's ok, we trust our users"
"SELECT * FROM User WHERE User.Id = " + Request["id"]
Programmer that never has to support his code:
Documentation isn't necessary. Documentation is overrated. Documentation is foolish.
Programmer that has to support the above programmer's work:
Where the $%#! is the documentation?
ruby and perl, ruby and perl, and all I ever really wanted was a little calms
VB.net Programmer "But i was so close to getting rid of the Line Continuation Character!"
Google Programmer talking to the Devil "Wait! But... I DID NO EVIL!!!"
Visual Basic:
Microsoft has decided that Visual Basic .NET will not be backward-compatible with Visual Basic 6.0
I trust the completely unknown users' input when they would enter and run their own sql on this public facing website.
Microsoft:
Jon Skeet asked for a feature request, to import a little, trivial thing into the .NET framework...
Yet another one in C:
life_id_t life;
life = fork();
if (life == 0) {
assert(reincarnation);
memset(brain, 0, sizeof(brain));
}
From an old cartoon: It's a grave-side scene immediately after a funeral. The sky is dark and threatening to rain. The young widow, dressed in black, is looking down at the grave. Her little boy stands beside her, holding her hand and crying.
A stranger approaches and asks, "I realize this is an awkward time but did you ever hear him mention the words 'SOURCE CODE'?
try
{
LHC.Collide(Particle1, Particle2);
}
catch(Exception e)
{
if(e is BlackHole)
{
//LOL
}
}
DBA: i believe in reincarnation, so I'll just rollback and retry
"The problem isn't with the code, it's the data you're supplying"...
or
"It's only a quick change it shouldn't impact anyone else"
an actual comment found in code I inherited:
// Please, for the love of God, WORK!
C# Coder:
try{
Console.Write("I promise to code better if you give me more days!");
numberOfDaysExtension=AskForExtension(numberOfDaysRequired);
}
catch(NumberOfDaysRequiredOutOfRangeException e){
e.ToString();
}
finally{
if(numberOfDaysExtension<=0) {
this.Dispose();
}
else{
GetACupOfCoffee();
GoBackToDesk();
}
}
The C programmer:
I hope this string is NULL terminated!Fz}${%UOE)Ad0DL@+:zs]-i34ow74Segmentation Fault
public class ToBeDisposed:IDisposable {
override Dispose() { base.Dispose(true); } }
Last words of a java programmer:
catch (Exception e) {
// this shouldn't happen
}
Maintenance programmer new to C:
"Oh my god, it's full of stars!"
PowerBuilder programmer:
See you in heaven. I've done my time in hell programming in PB.
// TODO: This really shouldn't be done this way but I don't want to bother fixing it right now...
I saw this comment in Axis code - "I'm not sure if we need this code any more, but I'm afraid to delete it."
For you Java sci-fi fans:
void destination() {
if (!hope) {
system.exit(0):
}
}
Windows:
This program has performed an illegal operation, the secret service has been notified, you have 30 seconds...
Two buttons - [Run now] [Disappear later]
Coq: Yep, Q.e.d., it's true. I mean, if you prove this simple, obvious lemma ...
Reminds me, couple of comments that I saw in production few years ago
// 'programmer name' commented here because it was giving error
// incorrect code goes here
One more,
// Added by 'programmer name'
This comment is particularly annoying, because the programmer has cared enough to say who added the code, but not what the code does or it's purpose
try
{
DoStuff();
}
catch(Excpetion ex)
{
// This should never happen, but if it happens
// we need to use Exception logging mechanism
// As of now, we do nothing
}
and 3 years later, the catch block continues to live
using(Programmer p = new Programmer(Programmer.Flavours.CSharp))
{
while(!p.Fingers.Arthritic)
{
p.TryWriteCode();
}
p.Retire();
p.WriteWill(p.Descendents);
}
For the "Testing is for wimps" programmer:
"If it compiles, ship it!"
of a wicket framework user:
}
});
}});
}
} based on a true story. cust copy/pasted from the file i was editing right now. the bizzarre mix of } }} ) ; and their different sematics drives me insane.
I'm surprised no one has yet mentioned:
Quick! someone switch back to "More Magic"!
Death speaks: "... I was surprised to see him here at Mountain View, for I have an appointment with him tonight in Redmond."
"I have found an O(1) solution to the Travelling Salesman Problem, but the margin of my Moleskine is too small to contain it."
Last words of a C++ programmer:
"Yeah! I finished it! I'll compile it..."
(2587 compiler errors)
"What can be wrong here? This can't be happening to my beautiful code!"
(forgot a semicolon in the middle of a template class)
**dies
Spot the bug:
switch(DefconStatus)
{
case One: ShowLight(Green);
case Two: ShowLight(Amber);
case Three: ShowLight(Red);
case Four: FireNukes();
break;
}
COBOL programmer:
MM/DD/YY is a fine date format. It's how I write them in real life, isn't it?
Perl:
my $removeMe = "/useless/useless.527824";
$removeMe =~ s/useless.+//;
system("rm -rf $removeMe"); # gets rid of useless dir. right?
C#
protected void SortEternity(string Time, double Alive)
{
do
{
for (int a; a > 1; a++)
{
for (int b; b > 1; b++)
{
for (int c; c > 1; c++)
{
for (int d; d > 1; d++)
{
for (int e; e > 1; e++)
{
for (int f; f > 1; f++)
{
for (int g; g > 1; g++)
{
for (int h; h > 1; h++)
{
//I think it is time to get some coffee
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}While(Alive==true);
}mysql> UPDATE users SET password = '123456'; WHERE username='MyName';
Query OK, 4858210 rows affected (0.51 sec)
Rows matched: 4858210 Changed: 48958210 Warnings: 0
ERROR 1064 (42000): You have an error in your SQL syntax; check the manual that corresponds to your MySQL server version for the right syntax to use near 'WHERE username='MyName' at line 1
Old Scheme programmers never die; they just go out of scope.
I promise.
... To be continued...
The take over bid of my company is worth $100 per share at a total of 100.000 shares.
Python:
import antigravity
# everything seems to be set in miles, blasted imperial measurements
# setflight(milestotravel, speed, epoch)
antigravity.setflight(929571303.6, 670616629, 1348401600)
Kudos to those who can work out the significance of those numbers.
This was his last code he wrote... you can be sure ;)
StringBuffer iCalendarRequest = new StringBuffer(
"BEGIN:VCALENDAR\n"
+ "PRODID:-//Microsoft Corporation//Outlook 9.0 MIMEDIR//EN\n"
+ "VERSION:2.0\n" + "METHOD:PUBLISH\n" + "BEGIN:VEVENT\n"
+ "ORGANIZER:MAILTO:[email protected]\n" + "DTSTART:"
+ dateFormatter.format(start)
+ "T"
+ timeFormatter.format(start)
+ "A\n"
+ "DTEND:"
+ dateFormatter.format(ende)
+ "T"
+ timeFormatter.format(ende)
+ "A\n"
+ "TRANSP:OPAQUE\n"
+ "SEQUENCE:0\n"
+ "UID:040000008200E00074C5B7101A82E0080000000000278000000000000000\n"
+ " 000004377FE5C37984842BF9440448399EB02\n"
+ "DTSTAMP:"
+ dateFormatter.format(now)
+ "T"
+ timeFormatter.format(now)
+ "Z\n"
+ "LOCATION:Conference room\n"
+ "PRIORITY:3\n"
+ "CLASS:PUBLIC\n" + "END:VEVENT\n" + "END:VCALENDAR").toString();
Surprise to his team - Crucial Module delivery at integration time after worked on it several weeks!!!
/* Module Name: abcd
Very Imp - I have written this module which is platform/language independent. This code SHOULD work on all platforms and languages even in dynamic/functional - tested using C#, Java and C/C++. BUT THIS COMMENT AND OTHER COMMENTS MIGHT GIVE COMPILATION ERRORS.
*/
[some code]
ruby programmers never die. They simply learn to metaprogram themselves into beings of pure logic.
It's the user's fault. They don't know what they're doing. This runs Ok on my machine.
Database Developer:
Who needs foreign-key constraints? My app will ensure that only correct values are inserted!
C/C++ programmer : My program is still leaking memory, but I was almost about to fix it.
Lua:
(code version)
self = nil
(non-code version)
Aww shoot, i knew we should have sealed those metatables!
Any programmer:
"Bottom of the Heap, moving to the top of the Stack"
//TODO: fix later
I don't know how many of these I've put in my code.
Indian Scheme programmer:
(reincarnate (karma (car lives)) (cdr lives)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Star Trek programmer:
Computer, end life
Star Trek programmer in troublesome times:
Computer, end life
>> unable to comply, codes have been encryped
Override
>> ending life
Python programmer:
export life
Haskell programmer:
To lazy to change my state to death
APL programmer
''
HQ9E+ programmer:
E
Microsoft programmer
//Fuck Bill
BASIC programmer
Goto hell
Prolog programmer:
!
Today I've seen how our continuous build of some product on windows machine have failed. It seems funny to me:
cp -rf /home/hudson/.../etc/pymodules/Win32/* /home/hudson/cpptest.win32.x86/hypnos/product/Win32-4.0_i486/bin/lib/
chmod -R a+x /home/hudson/.../Win32-4.0_i486/bin/lib/lib-dynload/*.so # Makes no sense on windows but does not hurt
chmod: cannot access `/home/hudson/.../Win32-4.0_i486/bin/lib/lib-dynload/*.so': No such file or directory
make[3]: *** [pymodules] Error 1
make[3]: Leaving directory `/home/hudson/...'
make[2]: *** [all] Error 2
make[2]: Leaving directory `/home/hudson/...'
make[1]: *** [cw] Error 2
make[1]: Leaving directory `/home/hudson/...'
make: *** [all] Error 2
Archiving artifacts
Finished: FAILURE
Java
public class MayanCalendar extends Calendar {
// ...
}
Calendar calendar = new MayanCalendar(2012, 11, 21);
...actually any code that uses java.util.Calendar or java.util.Date.